Smell the fear

Exactly after one month of the attacks, I drop by the Taj for a walk down the memory lane. While the staff members put up a brave face, and smile as widely as physically possible, their eyes are blank and haunted. And the stench of death and fear is unmistakable.

There aren’t too many visitors (this is prime time eve), the otherwise packed lobby is frighteningly sparse. Students from the National School of Blind sing Christmas carols with great energy (see pic), but there are only a handful of listeners. I have never in my life had the glitzy lobby to myself. The Christmas tree decorated mainly white (the classy Taj touch) looks forlorn and loveless.

While the lady at the desk reports 60% occupancy, sadly, I don’t see the figure remotely close. Clearly, she’s been briefed to get the spirits up. And if the lady is right about the number, the guests are safely ordering in, no one wants to hang out at the refurbished restaurants and bars anymore.

We devour chai and sandwiches at the old-fav Shamiana. Again, we have the 24-hour joint to ourselves, there are only a few other guests (see the pic of a nearly vacant Shamiana). Grenades were lobbed exactly where we are seated. While the tea is as delicious as always, can’t seem to get the image of destruction out of my mind. It’s going to take the Taj a lot more time than we thought to reach normalcy.

Equally, the shops are deserted. The Nalanda bookshop (seldom have I dropped by and not ran into a friend/acquaintance) has turned into my personal library.

The Starboard bar, thankfully, has a few patrons. I quietly slip into the smoking lounge (the Taj tower pic has been shot from there), and notice two young girls puffing away and guzzling down wine. They don’t seem too upset, they don’t suss me out for a suspicious back-pack, and seem lost in their own conversation. They are the only brave souls inside the hotel, wonder if it’s bravery or some great wine.

Damn, even the loo has been exclusively reserved for me.

And I don’t even want to recount the lonely walk to the old wing, by the pool. This is what I felt walking by the Nagapattinum beach days after the tsunami.

Outside the hotel, I urge the Sardarji durban to allow us to walk by the heritage structure (totally closed to the public). After a moment’s hesitation, he kindly grants permission. So we solemnly walk by the ravaged, raped, desolate heritage wing, devoid of humanity, even the sea seems unusually quiet, as if in mourning. (And to think this is the stretch which finds common ground with taporis, tourists, peanut sellers, romancing couples, prostitutes, pimps and elderly walkers.) The room lights are kept on (to keep the faith intact), but the fear is palpable. And the exit into the streets of the bustling Colaba brings much relief. A joy to suddenly run into humanity.

No, 26/11 won’t go away too soon. The scars are just too deep to heal. Maybe they never will. Bombay will never be the same again. The terrorists are winning this war.

Let’s look at the bright side

As the proverb goes, even the darkest cloud has its silver lining. While the heart goes out to the victims and the families of the Mumbai attacks, it must be said a few good things have emerged from the horrific tragedy.

Mumbaikars have smelt the coffee
The usually ultra busy citizens of the city, people who have no time for much else but the pursuit of personal ambitions, have finally woken from their apathy and today, many are desperate to get involved in the running of Mumbai, desperate to jump into public life. From students to housewives to pub crawlers to bank clerks to spot boys to biz tycoons… everyone is brimming with ideas for change. What can be sweeter than that? The one big reason the netas have so far gotten away with incompetence, sloth and corruption is because we have always looked the other way at their crimes and misdemeanours.

The world is with us
Almost all the developed nations today feel a sense of sympathy and solidarity with us. Not just because of the cruelty of it all, but also because this can happen to them tomorrow. Their leaders are on our side, they want to help. And most importantly, the US has come around to accepting that we are the victims and our neighbour the tormentor. The important thing is we must not lose this collective goodwill, we must not lose this moment. We must ask for global help in sorting the terror factories of Pakistan, of preventing it from totally turning into a rogue state.

Sleepy heads have rolled
With many a failed leader being unceremoniously shown the door, and many incapable babus in the line of fire (all this no doubt a direct result of the public outrage), no neta and bureaucrat will take his/her job lightly from hereon. (Watch out, dear Bhujbal!) Especially when it comes to our safety and survival. For the first time we are seeing a degree of accountability in public life. Hopefully this will be the guiding philosophy of all political parties from now: perform or perish.

Raj has become irrelevant
With the cops, soldiers and NSGs from all over the country coming together as one to rescue Mumbai, clearly Raj Thackeray’s anti North Indian campaign is finished. He dare not attack any fellow Indian from hereon. The venom-spewing neta has no choice but to woo voters on the agenda of safety and development. And if he does muster the temerity to restart the hateful propaganda some months later, here’s hoping the city’s Marathi speaking folks will openly reject him. Just as many of the city’s Muslims are openly rejecting the jihadi ideology in the current time.

Fresh faces on TV
On a lighter note, no longer will we have to endure the same publicity hungry, quote hunting pseudo celebs on our television talk shows. The aam aadmi wants to speak out and be heard. And she and he is making a lot of sense. No longer is the common woman and man camera shy. The TRPs of news channels will surely see a vertical swing. And yes, we shan’t have to put up much with young Ritesh Deshmukh in them movies.

Jai Hind!

Thot for the day

They say the best quality an intelligence officer can possess is one of a deeply suspicious and distrustful mind. At great risk of injury from my militantly feminist friends, I really think they should hire only lady officers in that department. :)

Bombay GenNext talks tough.

Can’t biz tycoons help?

Like everyone else in Bombay, I too have been wrecking my depreciating grey cells on what must be done to keep us safe, of not visiting a hospital or a pub or a college and returning in 100 mangled pieces.

My biggest concern right now, as they debate the choice of new CM, is being saddled with that buffoon called Sushil Kumar Shinde (or one of his duplicates). I had interviewed the man quite extensively for Mid Day when he was CM, and I left Varsha totally disillusioned. He knew head nor tail of what the city’s problems were (leave alone solutions) and could clearly see he was in that chair ONLY because he’s a nice guy, a dangling puppet for the Delhi leaders. Today, even a bacha will tell you the last thing this city needs is a nice guy. We want a chief who can kick arse bad to get things done. We need a professional manager.

The reason the faltu combine of Deshmukh and RR Patil failed is this: they were incompetent in their jobs. I mean, you need totally different sets of skills to fix dance bar girls and grenades & AK-47 wielding mass killers. And I think Patil in particular knew he was a total loser. Incidentally, just about a month back, soon after the Delhi blasts, I made many requests to Patil for an interview, where the agenda was clearly spelt out: to figure the state home minister’s plans to keep Bombay safe. And repeatedly I was dished out new excuses by his secy. Boss is travelling. Boss is in a meeting. Boss is busy with party work. Etc, etc. Today, I can see why he refused to meet. The fool had zero plans to keep us safe.

Now, when we the aam janta, suggest/request/plead for a CEO type of a leader, we get summarily dismissed. We neither have access nor influence inside the corridors of power. But our business tycoons (whose bucks and goodwill the netas need) do. Can’t the Tatas and the Ambanis and the Ruias and the Birlas come together as one, and demand a professional CM for this state? Someone who’s a known performer, understands politics, is admin savvy, can take tough decisions and can plan with a long term vision. Maybe they can meet Sonia with a candidate’s name. Before she lumps us with another loser. Surely the suits of India’s financial capital should be as worried as the rest of us, and take this initiative. Especially now that the terror agents have reached their boardrooms and party rooms.

On my part, I am sending a link to this post to CEOs in my mailbox. Request you to do the same. Thanks.

Some progress

Ok, here's the update on the ideas we all expressed in my previous blog. I have had a long chat with Milind Deora and he has promised to help forward our concrete proposals to the PM. AND make sure he reads them.

Meanwhile, do land up at the Gateway at 6pm on Wed. And make a statement. I will be there for sure.

WE CANNOT HANDLE THIS

Usually, I would have spectacularly dissed Singh, Advani, Sonia, Deshmukh etc and the so-called intelligence officers, I would have cursed and abused them freely with no editor around to censor my cuss words, but I won’t. Because I am no longer furious, I have lost that emotion. I feel humiliated, depressed, mind-fucked and impotent.

Not just because it’s one more massacre of my city, but also because of the places that have been brutalised. The Taj and The Oberoi are hotels I have grown up with, they have been a part of my life, as I am sure is the case with many of you fellow Bombayites. I have dated inside their romantic restaurants. I have fallen in love inside them. I have held and participated in events and ceremonies inside their glittering halls. I have shopped in their happening arcades. I have done many interviews inside their corporate offices. I have surreptitiously gone to pee inside their glitzy loos on broke evenings. I had my first ciggie on the steps of the Taj on a rainy night. Hell, I almost signed up at the Taj as a management trainee, but opted for the ad world. So when I see these two members of my ‘family’ burn, I burn inside. There is no rage, only a sense of mourning, the loss of a loved one, the rape of a loved one.

There’s another reason for loss of anger: I have now concluded our mantris and our spies are not competent to handle the terror issue. Which is why we get impudently attacked every other day. They are irrelevant to the solution to this menace. In fact, they compound it further by politicising every bomb and every bullet. But we cannot change our political system for now as there is mass illiteracy in this nation, and till such time the masses become more educated and aware, we will continue to be ruled by these jokers.

My belief is there is only one way forward: we need to set ego and pride aside, admit that we cannot deal with terror, and we need to invite the Yank, the Brit and the Israeli specialists to come and take charge of the anti-terror wing of the nation for a couple of years. They lead, they take decisions, we follow and learn, as simple as that. Sounds blasphemous and crazy? Not really. If we can have their CEOs to run companies in India, if we can have their coaches to run our sports, if we boast of a global world, why can’t we extend that to terror, especially since we clearly aren’t capable in that field. That America has not been hit for seven years, tells us why they seem to know this gig better. Just as the Mumbai police could not handle these criminals, and the NSG had to be called in, why don’t we use the same diagram on a larger, international scale?

There’s one more reason I suggest this: If the world finally discovers first-hand that it is Pakistan that’s directly behind terror in India (right now no one believes that claim, because Advani blames the Pakis when he finds a frickin fly in his tomato soup), they are more likely to support us in a full and frontal conflict with our neighbour. Which, at some point, could become an inevitability.

If you agree with this idea, write to me, will help launch a pressure campaign on the government to make this happen. We have the power to do at least that. To put pressure.

There is no point getting furious and all worked-up. It’s time to find hard solutions, to act. We must. Because our netas won’t on their own.

The Eff M

A number of comics and incompetent folks have managed to rule this nation, but I think the biggest joke of them all is our finance minister.

Chidambaram looks like a mathematics professor and speaks like an accounts wiz, but his crazy actions have always given away the real man: I think the mantri knows as much about finance as I know about tarot card reading: zilch.

The FM has done nothing to help ease the inflation. He’s done nothing to find solutions to the stocks crisis. He’s done nothing to find ways and means to save both the industrial sector and the aam aadmi. He’s come up with zero ideas to save jobs. There have been no plans worked out to cope with recessionary times. Through his hugely failed tenure, Chidambaram has simply been left wondering what happened. And when his mind does go on overdrive, he comes up with schemes like each time you take a client out for a drink, you pay tax on it (or some such drivel.)

And what is his latest mantra for the industry? Cut prices! Haha, what can be a bigger joke than that. He wants corporates to further erode their already eroded profitability! So how on earth will they pay salaries? And hire staff? Very clearly, this idea is aimed at garnering votes. And has no financial planning behind it. The Congress is desperate for price fall with elections round the corner. Since the FM has no idea how to do his job, he’s asking the private sector to bail him out.

I am deffy not voting for the Congress in the next elections. Unless they promise me Chidu will be in charge of the animal husbandry department.

Conspiracy of silence

"The only thing necessary for evil to flourish is for good men to do nothing." - Edmund Burke

I really don’t understand what the fuss about Obama is all about. We have had a Muslim prez, a Sikh PM and a Christian calls the shots in this nation… and a Dalit lady could well be the PM soon. So we have been there and done what the US is doing now. All I know is black or white, ANYONE is better than Dubya, so it’s a welcome change.

What we SHOULD be worrying and fussing about, are huge eff-ups back home. And the biggest eff-up of them all is Raj Thackeray.

When I watch Raj Thackeray in action as he sets about building his sinister brand, I can’t but help notice a similarity between him and the rise of Hitler. (In fact, Thackeray has openly spoken of his deep admiration for the Nazis.)

The same hateful speeches. The same fascist ambitions. The same deadly, crowd-pulling charisma. The identical attempt to feed on the masses’ perceived fears and insecurities. The ditto violent attempts at ethnic cleansing. The parallels are stark and frightening.

And sadly, as we get ready for history to repeat itself, it is clear that the past has taught us nothing. The vast majority in the city remain silent spectators. Either they believe in the neo-Nazi, or don’t seem to care, or are plain scared of speaking out against him. And what’s truly frightening is the tacit support Thackeray seems to be enjoying from the celebrity Marathis. Shobhaa De and others are candid about it. And public idols like Sachin Tendulkar and Lata Mangeshkar (both of whose words carry more weight than any political don) are missing. And the print media has decided to focus on Bollywood and parties. And now Obamaji. In short, people who can make a difference, who can stop the rebirth of Hitler, are busy doing nothing.

Yup, my words carry little weight in comparison with these worthies. Yet, I am ready to take on the man. Whatever happens in politics, we cannot allow the damned communal, lingo divide under any circumstances. Sadly however, newspapers in this country are loathe to giving me space. So all I can do is blog.

And don’t get me wrong: I am not against the idea of priority jobs for locals. But I certainly don’t want a Hitler to play that card for me.

Because I know evil will flourish if the rest of us remain silent spectators. If we do nothing.

“I will become a goongi budhiya!”

(Here's my int with Mrs B for People mag, in case you missed it.)

In one significant respect, Jaya Bachchan is a misfit in the film industry. In a world full of diplomacy, double-speak and political correctness, she stands out like a breath of fresh air. Always direct, always candid, always all-heart. And this unique characteristic has got her much strife on a regular basis. The last being the ugly verbal spat with Raj Thackeray, which led to threats of violence on the streets of Mumbai. The question is, will this fiery actor and MP now tone down, and become as boringly discreet as the rest of the film frat? Has Bollywood lost its last surviving brave heart? In an exclusive interview, Jaya bares her soul on this, and may other compelling issues.

You were holidaying with Mr Bachchan in Paris last week… was it an escape from the recent crisis on the language issue?
No, it wasn’t about that, I don’t believe in the word ‘escape’. He was in Paris, he had some meetings to attend and the shoot had got cancelled. So I joined him there.

It’s been thirty five years of marriage. Does the romance continue?
Well, with time the connotations of the word ‘romance’ change, it’s not the way when you are sixteen. It means spending time with your children, grand children, remembering moments, and that’s romance too. We lead very ordinary lives.

Mr Bachchan doesn’t buy you roses anymore?
(Laughs.) Of course he does! You know he could have been in Paris on his own, but he invited me to join him, and that was a very sweet thought. Once, I had stepped out of the room, while he was busy blogging. And bought him a perfume that I know he likes. So maybe this is romance.

Marriages seem to be falling apart these days, how have you managed to keep it going for so many years? How can you keep a man faithful to you for so long, that too such a desirable man?
By just leaving him alone. You have to have the conviction. I married a good man and a family that believes in commitment. (Thinks.) You must not get too possessive, especially in our profession, where you know things aren’t going to be easy. You can either drive the artist crazy, or you can help him or her to grow. And if he goes, then he was never yours! (Smiles.)

But surely all those rumours about affairs must disturb…
(Thinks.) You are a human being, you do react. If you react to negativity, you also react to positivity. You are reassured every second by gestures, by looks, by happenings, and that keeps you going. (Thinks more.) A human being at a very vulnerable age and time gets carried away either ways, and if you are sad you are sad, and if you are happy you are happy.

Once and for all: Is there any truth about the affair with Rekha?
If there was any, he would have been somewhere else, na? People liked them as a couple on screen, and that’s fine. The media tried linking him with every one of his heroines. My life would have been hell if I had taken it all seriously. We are made of sterner stuff.

Would you mind if they worked together again?
No, why should I mind? But I feel it will be more like a sensation than actual work. And that’s a pity because one will miss the opportunity of seeing them together. Both of them probably realise it will go beyond work.

Doesn’t the husband ever scream at you for being so outspoken?
(Stares hard.) Do I look like the kind of person who can get shouted at? He’s my husband, he’s not my boss! I think Amitji is more worldly-wise than I am. I call him Gandhiji (laughs). He always looks at things from the other person’s point of view.

And you agree with him on that?
On a philosophical level, yes. On a normal human level, no! (Bursts out laughing.)

I think after the recent issue with Raj Thackeray, you will think ten times before making a public statement. Guess you’ll lose your spontaneity.
Who is to blame? You tell me. The problem is certain people have the liberty to say what they like, certain people don’t. I will try to be correct from hereon. I felt genuinely sorry for what I had said at the music launch, and that’s why I called you. But I have certain convictions which no one can take away from me. Maybe I say things that come from the heart, maybe I should use my mind, I need to realise who I am. I will become a goongi budhiya from now! (Laughs sarcastically.)

Has Sonia Gandhi made an effort to thaw the ice between the two families? There were reports she was concerned about the MNS tirade against you.
I don’t know. I suppose being the leader of the party that governs this state, she may have enquired.

Don’t you think for emotional reasons the Gandhi and the Bachchan family should get friendly again?
Well, if you speak of emotions, then one should ask did it (the break-up) have to happen in the first place?

You are not an easily forgiving person…
I agree with you. But if you reason with me, I am a very forgiving person. I am an honest person, I do not have needs in life, I can be happy anywhere. And I hope and think I have brought my children up with the right values. I keep telling my son every single day, it doesn’t matter if a film does well or not. What matters is a light boy saying thirty years later, ‘it was such a pleasure working with you’.

And I guess you would want some of those values to rub off on people who join the family, Ash for example.
Yes. That is why I wanted my son to marry a girl who has those values, who has that tradition, that culture.

Is that one of the reasons Abhishek’s marriage plans with Karisma didn’t work out?
(Long silence.) She has the blood and genes of the Kapoors. They have the tradition. Her father and I were buddies, they had good relations with my husband. So one must not always blame the families.

So then what went wrong?
Ask Abhishek.

Did it have to do with Babita?
That I don’t know. Look, I don’t think it’s correct to discuss this, they are both married people now, so let’s bury this issue.

About the movies. Films from your era had soul. Guddi, Abhimaan, Koshish. These days most stuff is mindless entertainment.
With due respect to the Hollywood culture, even there the films being made today aren’t what they used to be. And it’s the same here. Money has become the over-riding factor. Very few people are saying, ‘let’s make a sensible film, let’s work within a budget, let’s make a little profit, and be happy’. We have forgotten to create art, and have become very dependent on the commercial aspect. We should learn a lesson from the European cinema. You know, I don’t watch previews these days because I would hate to give my true reactions to the director.

Did you like Drona? And please don’t respond as a mother.
I didn’t mind it. I think they have tried to make something different. I think the budget they had for a concept like this, they needed twice the amount of money. But I think children will love the film.

SRK came for the Drona premier, that was nice of him.
Yes. Abhishek called him and said, ‘Sir, it will make a huge difference to me if you arrive’. And he did, which I think is very gracious of him. I have a weakness for Shah Rukh.

He did not say a very nice thing about Ash in that brawl with Salman, you don’t hold that against him?
Of course, I do. I haven’t had the opportunity to discuss it with him, and I am going to speak to him about it. If he was at my home, I would have slapped him, just as I would my own son. But I have connected with him in my soul, and that’s it.

So then why didn’t you invite him for the Abhi-Ash wedding?
Is Aishwarya going to invite him for the wedding? Let me tell you, very honestly, if we could have invited him, we would have changed the date of the wedding. I would like to give my family the freedom and the space.

You must have hurt when you heard Raj Thackeray say, ‘Guddi buddhi zaali, pun aazoon akal aali naahi’.
Of course, yes, I was hurt. I would never use this kind of language. And I am more hurt that the conscience keepers of this nation kept quiet when he used this kind of language.

Didn’t you stop Mr Bachchan from committing hara-kiri with RGV ki Aag?
Yes, I did stop him.

And he didn’t listen.
Noo! (Smiles.)

Not in my name!

I am not a Marathi manoos, but if I was one, this is what I would be screaming from the rooftops.

Because the literate factions of the community know Raj is misleading the gullible members, his heart does not bleed for the community, he is like any other self-serving neta.

Because they know this sort of hate politics is going to destroy this nation, when it is the external enemies and our pressing internal problems we should be collectively focussing on.

Because they know Raj’s actions will come home to haunt the community, Marathis working in other states can and WILL come under pressure in good time. There are enough goondas in every state of India.

Because they know there is no heroism in bullying and kicking poor students from other states.

Because they know Thackeray is smearing the image of the entire community by waging hate in their name, and silence means quiet acceptance of this repugnant situation.

I fervently appeal to all my Marathi speaking pals to raise their voices against this goonda. Especially in the Marathi newspapers, television channels, and radio stations. And try to make the gullible members of the community aware of Thackeray’s real agenda.

Because they must know once the Marathis reject this man for his hateful and violent ways, Thackeray will have no choice but to build his party on the development agenda. Or, quietly fade away.

Jai Maharashtra!

Corporate responsibility

Some notes and observations on the Jet lay-off:

I find it interesting that the first door the laid-off staffers knocked was that of Raj, not Uddhav. Should tell you something about who the next godfather of Mumbai is. Now we understand how much the canny Raj benefited his own brand by ‘fixing’ the Bachchans amongst his other nefarious deeds. The misfit Uddhav must now gracefully admit defeat, and forget about his future in militant politics.

I have this niggling feeling one of the reasons the media is so concerned about the sacked staffers is that the demonstrators consist of attractive chicks and hunky doods. Makes for good visuals. A refreshing change from the striking mill workers, farmers and rickshaw drivers they usually deal with. Personally, I am waiting for the Kingfisher babes to come out on the roads. Chosen personally by the tasteful Dr Mallya, these gurls have sexier figures.

While it’s never a great feeling to lose your job (I have been unceremoniously sacked once), my sympathies lie with the Jet management in this instance. They have every right to lay off staffers in bad times, the law of the land allows corporates to fire. So it’s extremely unfair that they are being put under such pressure by the media and the parallel governments. What people need to understand is this pressure will cause CEOs to hire with caution during good times. And it’s these same youngsters who stand to lose in the long term.

Also, I am sorry if these 20-something kids took loans and are now saddled with EMIs. Whose fault is that? Did Naresh Goyal ask them to take such risks in unconfirmed jobs? We middle-aged sods did not borrow till we were in our thirties, and after we had covered our arses for contingencies. Perhaps this is a wake-up call for today’s gen that lives unplanned, for-the-night lives.

Let’s assume the airlines are forced to take these staffers back, and the airlines cannot afford them. What will happen? What if they shut down operations for some time? Imagine being stuck with the maha regressive and maha inefficient Indian Airlines all over again. Did someone mention this country moves one step forward and two steps backward?

Finally, spare a thought for the dance bar girls. Many of the laid off girls had to lay dirty old men to eek out a living. The air hostesses can and will find decent jobs if they stop protesting on the streets, and try to scan employment ads. Guess more than money, it’s the cushy, high-life they are finding difficult to kiss goodbye.

Two committees

See, this is exactly the thing that gives a huge boost to the terror agents in their recruitment drive. We have two committee reports on the Godhra incident, headed by the so-called respected judges, and their findings are 180 degrees opposite of each other. They are as dissimilar as Gandhi is from Osama.

I mean, if I was an able TV anchor, I would close the inane debate by grandly declaring ‘the truth lies somewhere in between’, but in this context it’s like saying the truth is a cross between Gandhi and Osama and that’s like impossible.

Which means, one of the two exalted committees is deliberately misleading the nation, and to find out which one, we will have to launch a third committee and that means another ten years down the tube. So much for justice in this nation!

And this clear injustice is what drives the fringe elements to blast the lives of innocent people. No amount of weapons and policing and intelligence can help us unless we cure the root cause of this cancer: political interference in the process of justice.

We dunno which committee is telling the truth (perhaps a sting operation on the bank accounts of their respective chiefs could throw a clue?). But we do know this: get ready for another series of attacks in buses and trains and planes and places of worship.

Attacks on churches

I was having a drink with a Christian pal, and he rebuked us journos and the general public for not speaking out against the recent attacks on churches, and adding that we were biased against Christians in India.

And I didn’t agree with him. Because I don’t think we don’t care (history has taught us if we don’t reign in divisive forces in time, the consequences can and will be lethal).

It’s just that we all have been so badly screwed by the regular bomb blasts carried out by the fringe Islamic agents, apart from other routine problems of survival, that we just don’t have any mind-space left to deal with this sad development. We know the last thing we need is for another community to get pissed with the nation, and throw up a brand new set of militants on its fringes, yet we do nothing because how many problems can a human mind cope with?

It’s obvious that if the Bajrang Dal and its like-minded units are against the so-called conversions, then there are civilised means available to protest. A demo at the Jantar Mantar will be a good start. Or even better, creating communications and doing real deeds on the ground to discourage conversions. However, that is a long route, and violent elements of any group have no patience for it.

In short, this nation has become captive to extremists from every religious group (and if attacks against churches continue, we will have a brand new set), and the ruling government’s failure (or reluctance) to control them is costing our secularism and safety big-time. I think the premise on which this nation was born (pluralism, tolerance, co-existence) is under attack, and there’s nothing we can do but sit back and watch its imminent demolition.

Not because we don’t care or are not aware, but because how much shit can we deal with? After a point, you just give up and leave things to the Almighty.

I hope my Christian buddy understands this defeatist attitude.

So when is it enough?

Just a quick thought: Exactly how many bombs and deaths will it take for the political parties to stop politicking and come together to launch a mother of all wars against terror?

When will Sonia and Advani put the nation ahead of their own interests? Like, at what point will that happen, what is the critical mass of dead bodies required to trigger that unity? 2000? 5000? 100,000? One million?

Wish we knew the figure, so at least we know how much our netas value life in this country. It took one 9/11 for America to come together. How many taareekhs do our leaders need?

The real culprits

It is actually neither Jaya’s nor Raj’s fault in the crazy spat the two got involved in. Mrs Bachchan lives in a democracy (or so we believe), and has every right to express her feelings. If she connects with UP more than other states, well, too bad, that’s her choice. It’s like you can’t hang me if I say I prefer pakwan daal over puran poli despite having lived in Maharashtra practically all my life.

And I don’t blame Thackeray Jr, cos he’s forever looking for these situations which assure him the perceived Marathi vote bank. That’s a no-brainer, the man needs opportunities to strike, and he’d be stupid to let go of such a juicy one. So all he did was stick to building his own brand. And I believe he’s onto a good thing, I got a taste of that inside a television showroom yesterday. Raj was addressing a press conference and all the zillion TV sets were beaming that live. The Marathi manus salesmen forgot all about selling, crowded the sets, and rejoiced and gloated over Raj’s victory of having ‘taught the Bachchans a lesson’.

So all that’s cool. To me, the two parties that have emerged villains of this tamasha are one, the state government, and two, the print media. Let me explain.

The Deshmukhs and the Patils need to act swiftly and effectively on all goondagardi, whether actually executed or threatened. That they keep looking the other way each time Raj lets loose his goons, is a dereliction of their paid duties. There are two reasons why this happens. One, their own fears that by targetting Raj they could antagonise the Marathi manus. And two, they don’t want to rock the possibility of an alliance with the MNS at some point. That they keep their political interests ahead of their jobs (which we tax payers pay dearly for), is what pisses me off.

I don’t read the Marathi press, but I am appalled that editors of the English press aren’t coming down heavily on the state government for its total inaction. Unless the media puts serious pressure on errant ruling netas, the entire concept of democracy becomes a joke. I suspect the proprietors and editors of newspapers don’t wish to offend netas they regularly need for licenses and approvals.

Anyways, one thing I know is this: Encouraged by the Bachchan apology, Raj is now going to go all out to create trouble at the slightest chance. And the only sufferers will be we, the aam junta, who get caught in the crossfire.

Moral of the story: Privately, I shall enjoy my pakwan. In public, I shall claim to be passionate about the poli.

Jai Maharashtra!

Checked out Kosi, dude?

Will not be surprised if some geeks in Bangalore mistake Kosi to be a ‘tributary’ of that ever-fav hang-out joint, Koshy. And that to me would be symbolic of the staggering apathy we feel for the disaster in Bihar. No one’s interested in that tragedy, not the urban folks, and by turn, not the electronic media.

I don’t hear of massive Bollywood drives, candle light vigils for the dead, inspiring columns in newspapers, kick arse talks shows, it’s almost as if Bihar is someone else’s problem. Maybe Pakistan’s or China’s of US’s problem. And also because that poor state is irrelevant in our shining scheme of things.

I think we should care, and I say that on an emotional and rational level. The Biharis are after all OUR people, and if we don’t worry about them, who will? Each time we proudly rise to the anthem before the chick flick, we recognise and accept that we are one. Then why this cold disinterest?

On a rational level, it is this double-standard approach of urban India that comes back to haunt us. This is what causes rural people to disconnect with us. This is what causes Singur, this is what causes mass migrations (and with that crimes) to big cities, this is what causes Naxalism, this is what causes farmer suicides, this is what causes hatred for malls and multiplexes and ‘India Shining’. Already the villagers feel cheated out because of disproportionate power transmission into metro towns, while they reel under 20-hour cuts. What will the survivors of Kosi feel and think about us? That we left them to die like rats… I shudder to think. Contrast the attention Mumbai received during the 2005 cloudburst and you’ll get the drift.

So if we are going to discriminate, and are ready for the consequences, please let’s not do the charade of rising when Ja Na Ga Ma Na plays out. Continue hogging your popcorn, and hope that your children remain safe in a divided India.

Nanooooooooo!

Let me clarify on thing right away: Mamta Banerjee isn’t one of my fav netas, in fact the only place I would REALLY like to see her is inside the Bigg Boss madhouse. Admittedly, I do not know much about her brand of politics, but she does come across as someone who’s a professional party pooper.

However on the issue of the Tata plant at Singur, and her allergy to the little car, I must say, very secretly I hope Mamta is able to give enough labour pains to the car maker so that they are compelled to seek new avenues, and the birth of baby Nano gets pushed by a year if not more. No, I am not anti-capitalism, far from it. Being an ad man, free market trickery runs in my blood. And more so, I have the greatest regard for Ratan Tata.

The reason I am rooting for the fiery politician is that I have serious worries about Nano, and would ideally like the whole project scuttled. As I had mentioned in a previous post, and let me shout this out again: NANO WILL NOT BE THE POOR MAN’S CAR IN URBAN INDIA, THAT’S A FALLACY. IT WILL BE THAT LOKHANDWALA DUDE’S FOURTH OR FIFTH OR SIXTH CAR, MEANT FOR ‘ROUGH USE’.

Which is why I am a firm believer that Nano should only be sold in small towns and rural areas, indeed that’s where it will serve its honourable purpose. The lower middle class folks of big cities aren’t gonna touch Nano cos these folks have NO PARKING SPACE IN THEIR RESIDENTIAL AREAS.

Which basically means post Nano, a root canal surgery would appear more appealing than a drive on city streets, and I am appalled that the citizens of metro town aren’t able to foresee the impending doom.

Sure, no one can stop Mr Tata from doing his business where he wants in this country, but a lakh plus car will be a real nightmare in our lives. And that’s why I am cheering Mamta in this battle… the further she can push the project, the more time it gives us to plan our lives. The irony of the whole thing is that the day Nano gets launched in Mumbai, I will say tata to my car. And relocate to a hill station.

Let the brat go

Vir Sanghvi has written an outstanding column in today’s HT, for the first time I have read views on Kashmir that make huge sense. He basically suggests if the Kashmiris do not want to be a part of India, that if every incident out there becomes a call for secession, then the time has come to hold a referendum out there, and allow them the right for self-determination.

If we leave the factors of ego and pride out, clearly that’s the most sensible, logical way to go. Let me highlight what Sanghvi is saying with a parallel that all of us might find better to connect with.

There’s a large house with a joint family. Despite the usual sibling rivalries and other financial problems, the family is doing okay and prospering as a whole. Now, the youngest child, who is the most pampered of the lot, showered with the most love and money, treated better by the parents, is always unhappy, and keeps threatening to leave the house. He not only uses the ‘I wanna go’ card to blackmail the family into pouring largesse on him, he never misses a chance to abuse his parents and his brothers and sisters.

This dude has become a serious problem for the household… apart from draining the limited resources, he is forever bringing great agony and stress to the entire family. He doesn’t even miss a chance to physically harm his brothers and sisters. Despite years of molly-coddling, he feels closer to the neighbouring family, and prefers to be with them.

The only reason the family wants to keep him in the house is because of the old fash virtue of being seen as undivided, and the fear of the so-called badnaami that happens when a child leaves. This false sense of pride is costing the entire family dearly… no matter what it does for the brat, he is always unhappy.

Now any sensible, modern, educated family would much prefer that the pissed off child leaves and carves his own destiny. Maybe the ouster might open his eyes to how harsh the outside world is, maybe one day he will return a reformed man. Maybe he will discover that the neighbour’s family will actually kick his arse, or maybe he will find true happiness, which is great for all concerned.

Yes, it’s time to be matured and pragmatic about the brat, it’s time to let him go.

Farewell, dear Kashmir.

Comatose winner, haha!

Something really funny is playing out on the TV even as I write this, and no, it isn’t about Ms Rakhi Sawant’s latest gripe.

It’s the way the media is gunning after the golden boy, Bindra. And the poor chap appears sleepy, droopy, drugged, bored, sullen and lost. It’s clear all the chap wants is a large glass of Horlicks, and then crash into bed for the next six months. I have damaged my couch laughing at the way the harried reporters are sweating to get fiery sound bytes from Bindra, and all he can manage is, I am happy, I am humble (sic), I am glad, I am proud. And after reluctantly uttering each such gem, he makes a gesture to flee. Hiyuk, hiyuk. Because the next questions are about his impending marriage and Bollywood plans, more hiyuk, hiyuk. Reminds me of the time when as a child I tried milking an ox through an error of biological judgment.

No, don’t get me wrong, I ain’t trying to mock this rare talent, it’s the media that’s keeping me in splits. Used to chatting up such motor-mouths as Rakhi Sawant, Amar Singh and Suhel Seth, the poor journos have no idea how to deal with this taciturn dude. Here’s the deal, people: Methinks the secret of Bindra’s success could well be his comatose persona. The near catatonic schizophrenic character could be one of the key factors that helped him achieve success in his sport, rifle shooting is a skill that perhaps needs such a drowsy mind. Maybe you need the stupor to be able to focus sharply.

So the best thing to do is leave him alone to his Horlicks and bed. Any more questions on marriage, and we run the risk of converting a champ into Rakhi Sawant. Yes, he’ll still be shooting, but only from the hip, hiyuk, hiyuk.

Sorry, but I stick to my view!

First of all, many thanks to all of you who left comments on my previous blog… given the volume, it’s clear we have a highly debatable matter on our hands.

After reading each comment, and after careful thought, I have decided to stay with my opinion, yup, at the great risk of being perceived as a rabid bigot.

Let’s examine the core argument: It’s the mom who’s left holding the baby, the rest of us will vanish in time, so only the parents should decide: Yes, we already have. The media for instance is already ODing on the Olympic winner, Nikita has disappeared completely. And that’s to be expected, especially given the superficial media we have created in this nation (and I am a part of it). But that still doesn’t change the fact that the issue concerns the nation at large, you change the law for one individual, it changes the world we live in. While there are compelling arguments put forth… that why must parents give birth to a potentially unhealthy child and suffer along with it for the rest of their lives… the hard truth is that I HAVE seen in my lifetime babies with serious heart problems go onto living perfectly reasonable lives. Sure, some won’t, but we can’t say that for sure, so why not give life a chance? My worry is with the obsession of today’s parents to produce the so-called perfect child, cos that is a myth. Forget physical disabilities that show up later, what about the mental sicknesses some people are born with? Ergo, WE CAN NEVER BE SURE what we are bringing into the world, so why not give nature a chance? Finally, having seen such cases from close quarters, there is no greater joy in life than helping turn around the life of a challenged child. That joy is far greater than any professional success. Using tech to abort dicey fetuses to me is a cop-out, a loser attitude. And yes, the law will be mis-used by people, we are like that only. As someone pointed out, millions of female fetuses get illegally aborted, and there’s zilch we can do about it. Look where technology has got us, and now we want it to cause further damage!

Mind you, I am not against tech per se, I am not some hard anti abortion campaigner. But tech should be used to make our lives better, to heal us, to treat us. And not to kill an individual’s right to live, just because the unborn has no say in the matter. When we choose to produce babies, we have to accept there’ll always be that element of risk, but we gotta live with that. Sorry, but I am not the sort of person who runs away from problems. If that makes me an old fash, tech challenged relic, so be it. Perhaps my mom would have aborted me if tech had told her I would turn out to be such a fossil.

No right to kill

Some observations on the late abortion debate.

• I think the moot problem is that the law must redefine the stage at which life comes into being. To suggest that happens only after 20 weeks of pregnancy (one is legally allowed to abort before that) is fallacious. I think life comes into being the moment the egg is fertilised… the couple becomes a threesome FROM THAT POINT. Therefore all decisions the parents take must take into account the third life, and its right to live.

• Which means there have to be compelling reasons for abortion at ANY point, because one is cutting out an individual’s most basic right to live. And these to my mind are: The parents are way too poor to rear a child. The pregnancy is the result of rape. The to-be mom is a minor. And for no other reason must the abortion be termed legal, yup, even when the girl gets pregnant after a hectic dandiya night. Sure, in the last instance, the lady would visit the shady dai maa, but the law must make it illegal, so at least she knows the abortion is a violation of the Constitution. That perhaps might encourage her to be careful during the dandiya raas.

• Under no circumstances must technology be allowed to come in the way of Mother Nature. No matter how unhealthy the foetus is, NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO DECIDE ITS DESTINY, not even the parents. We have heard stories of abnormal children going on to to live perfectly healthy lives. The parents must use the high tech to HELP the child live a healthy life, rather than nip it in the bud.

• Think about this: the moment one couple is allowed to decide to get rid of abnormal children, and with the rapid advancement we are seeing in medical science, here’s what the future will hold for us. We would see abortions for the weirdest of reasons: one finger missing, abort. Poor eyesight, abort. Too dark skinned, abort. Crooked nose, abort. Which is why I am totally with the HC judges on this. Nikita and Haresh CANNOT be allowed to kill their child.

• Lastly, only two entities are allowed to decide on someone’s right to live. God. And murderers. Since we cannot be gods, let us not turn into murderers.

Shocked, awed & screwed

Okay, so here’s the deal: we CANNOT ever hope for our governments and intelligence agencies to save our skin. Let’s just accept that once and for all. The netas and their officers are either too busy making each other richer to stay in power, or are simply inefficient, or are too politically motivated to do anything concrete (the Congress, for instance, would never do anything to flush out terror agents in our midst at the risk of hurting its so-called minority vote bank). Or it’s a combo of all these.

From hereon, it’s each man and woman for his/her own. We have to protect ourselves. And make caution a part of our daily lifestyle, our DNA. So at any public place, we have to keep a sharp eye on suspicious objects and suspicious people. At the slightest of doubt, we have to raise an alarm. Be it a suspicious character on a bus-ride, or the package lying unattended on the stray bicycle. There will be a million false alarms, but no matter.

In a sting operation I did for the Mirror last year, on the ann of the Bombay train blasts, I was shocked to find no one bothered to stop me when I left my bag behind in buses, trains and malls. This apathy simply has to go, there is no option.

Just as staring hard at pretty women, jumping queues, spitting and pissing in public places has become a part of our persona, so must the habit of exercising caution. I am changing this aspect of myself, and so must you. Good luck, mate!

Why blame the netas?

Commentator after commentator on the tube and the print media has been having a blistering go at our maha corrupt netas, following the sordid spectacle in the parliament house, the shrill cry being that the politicians have failed this nation, that they have shamed India, that they are all chors, blah and blah.

What amazes me is this: why is everyone wasting time over stuff that we have known for years together? Did anyone seriously expect the trust motion to pass smoothly without money exchanging hands and without shady deals being brokered? Especially with foxy fixers like Amar Singh in full flow? And with convicts seated comfortably in seats of power?

So all this whining is a waste of time and precious newsprint. What we all tend to conveniently forget is this: those 341 maha atmas in the corridors of power haven't landed there from space. Not only have we put them out there, they are a part of the independent India we have created together, they are a mirror to the society we have all jointly build, they are us. So trashing these mighties is nothing more than an amusing exercise in self-flagellation.

If this nation no longer throws up leaders like Gandhi and Nehru and Tilak and Bose it is because such souls don't exist in our current times, what does exist is blokes like Amar Singh. Let's deal with this, man: corruption exists in every sphere of our life today, we all live and breathe it every single day. We bribe cops to duck fines, we bribe municipal folks to get our development plans passed, we bribe electricity guys to steal power, we bribe the RTO guys to get driving licenses, we cut deals with netas to get projects passed, we bribe tax guys to save on tax, we bribe clerks to get ration cards and passports, we bribe custom officials to bring in goodies tax-free, we bribe touts and deans to get college admissions, we even try to bribe judges to get favorable judgments! Do you really want me to list the dirty laundry? So how can a nation like that expect saints like Gandhi to be leaders?

Net: Remember that every time you give a gaali to the debauched neta, you are actually giving it to yourself. Because he/she is you.

Mockery of justice

Blog reader Jenny says I must be busy gloating over the fact that a month and a half back (see May 30 post) I had expressed the view that Talwar may not be guilty of killing his daughter, and that an innocent man could be facing the nightmare of his life. Let me post her comments here.

Jenny: “I am sure you must be gloating that you said Talwar was innocent and "I told u so" must be written all over ur face BUT I am laughing at the way the journalists r falling all over talwars feet and saying sorry to him...I mean if they thot they were doing their job then why undo it now?? journalism has reached such a low that journos don’t know what questions to put to the talwars..I mean asking him if he will sue the police?? What do they expect a man who is still an accused and only out on bail to say?? some journos even went to the extent of undergoing a narco test to see what cud be revealed...who allowed these tests? who conducted them without a doctor’s prescription to do so? and why undergo a test which is equal to undergoing general anesthesia?? why did they not do it when abu salem a hardcore criminal underwent a similar test?? secondly anil don’t u feel the talwars r getting away scot free?? they had a teenage daughter at home...don’t they lock the male servants OUT before going to sleep in a room with the AC on?? (renuka choudhary are u sleeping) abroad this wud have amounted to neglect on the part of the parents. why was hemraj allowed to entertain his friends inside the house?? why did the durranis say that rajkumar was at home that night?? shud the UP police be sued?? I don’t know but someone mislead them convincingly....so that enough time was bought to cover evidence? I am still not convinced, ARE YOU?”

And here’s my response. Jenny, no, I am really not gloating, cos it’s simply too early for that lovely emotion. The CBI has not declared Talwar innocent so far, and who knows what lies ahead in this intricate game of snakes and ladders? However, one thing looks very possible: unless the officers locate the murder weapon (which is increasingly becoming dicey), this case is bound to misfire, and everyone will go free in the end. (What people say under trance is invalid in court, and that’s pretty much all evidence the sleuths have.)

So my prediction wasn’t about declaring the dad not guilty (who am I to do that?), it was about a hugely bungled police investigation, and a concern that this tragedy could befall any one of us tomorrow. My issue really is with the fact that the entire investigative machinery needs to be re-engineered, so that innocent people don’t suffer under any circumstances. Will that happen? Sadly, I have my doubts. Maybe Talwar must eventually sue, perhaps that will put some pressure on the system.

As for your comments on the role of the media, you are absolutely right; the journos have behaved liked idiots right through the process. The media has failed, it’s come out like a joker in this sordid story. And I am aghast that they are still not learning… how can they say sorry to the dentist while the case is still on??? Beats me completely. Yup, the Indian media is getting dumb and dumber, and hopefully we shall see some re-engineering here as well.

Finally, yes, you are right. Whatever else may or may not happen, for sure the parents must be charged for criminal neglect of a teen child. There can be NO access into the house for a male servant after hours, when you have a young daughter sleeping all alone, and you have bought air conditioners that make sounds of whirring airplanes. That must definitely happen, as a lesson for all careless parents.

A fixed democracy

Amar Singh is a known fixer, his only talent is being able to cut shady deals. That is a known fact. And now finding himself in a situation where the 150 year old Congress party depends on him for its own survival, you can well imagine the goldmine that lies ahead for this portly fixer.

In the coming two weeks, apart from many criminal cases being dropped (and brand new ones launched) many MPs are going to get seriously rich as they get bought over like cattle and sheep, and one way or another, we the idiotic tax payers are going to paying for it.

When it comes to filing my taxes, this downside of our faulty democracy is the reason I give my chartered accountant much strife. Although I don’t earn much these days, I make sure I end up paying as less tax as possible (and some of the saving I use to sponsor my very old ex maid’s health… there, I shamelessly claimed it!). I often get castigated by my CA… he says how will this nation run if we all don’t pay our due taxes. While I fundamentally agree with that view, my grouse is only a fraction of what we pay ends up in looking after the nation, a whole lot vanishes in shady deeds. So my idea is to minimise the outflow, and use the rest into making sure the money goes to the really needy and the really deserving. And definitely not to whoring MPs.

And my bigger problem is with us tax payers: we just don’t seem to want to care about what becomes of our taxes. When that happens, when that day arrives when the nation’s honest junta revolts against this robbery of our hard-earned money, I will celebrate our democracy. Right now, we are all paying for Amar Singh’s cute services, and there’s nothing the world’s largest democracy can do about that but sit back and watch.

Jai Hind!

The missing netas

Like many others, I find it shocking that neither did the nation’s big mantris, nor did the chiefs of the navy and the air force thought it fit to pay Manekshaw their last respects.

Even if they did not consider the soldier worthy of this honour (which is appalling in any case… this officer and his men altered the map of South Asia, no less), their presence at his funeral would surely have made many a young jawan feel proud of himself and his work. Would surely have injected a huge dose of motivation down the ranks, a great reminder that the nation honours and values their services.

I mean, if our bada sahibs don’t give a fig for a hero like Sam Bahadur, one can well imagine the sort of respect they carry in their hearts for our jawans. Is it any wonder then that no one really wants to join the army, and more often than not, the ones that do, do so for lack of lucrative civilian career options. What’s the point of singing war anthems and saluting our brave soldiers on the Independence Day when the rest of the year we give a damn when the bravest of them dies.

Come to think of it, perhaps Manekshaw might have wanted it this way. All his life he lived on his conditions, showing scant respect for the political class. I don’t think he would have missed these netas much on his last journey.

"I assure you certain death awaits you.”

This is the chilling message Pakistani soldiers heard on the radio during the 1971 war. It’s not everyday that this nation gives birth to a real hero. He was and is my hero for sure. Just imagine if this nation was run by a few good men like him. We might have had very few problems.
Here’s the brief profile I wrote of this great man for Mirror last year, when he slipped into a coma. My greatest regret: I badly wanted to go across and shake his hand in Coonoor, but sat on the idea for too long. Alas!

Field Marshal Sam Hormusji Manekshaw was born on April 3, 1914 in Amritsar, Punjab, to Parsi parents. After completing his schooling at the Sherwood College in Nainital, he joined the first batch of 40 cadets at the Indian Military Academy, Dehra Dun, in 1932. In 1937, at a social gathering in Lahore, he met his future wife, Silloo Bode. They fell in love and were married in 1939. Silloo was a graduate from Bombay’s Elphinstone College and had also studied at the JJ School of Arts.

Manekshaw became the Chief of Staff of the Indian Army in 1969, and under his command, the Indian forces achieved a resounding victory in the Indo-Pak war of 1971. He served in the army for four decades and saw five wars. The legendary soldier was awarded the Padma Bhushan in 1968, the Padma Vibhushan in 1972 and was conferred the rank of Field Marshal on 1 January, 1973.

Today, at 94, the man who altered the map of South Asia, lives a secluded life in Coonoor in Tamil Nadu. His bungalow, ‘Stavka’, is now a pilgrimage centre for army jawans.

At World War II

During World War II, Manekshaw saw action in the Burma campaign, and has the rare distinction of being honoured for his bravery on the battle front itself. He was leading a counter-offensive against the invading Japanese Army. During the course of the offensive, he was hit by a burst of machine gun bullets and was severely wounded in the stomach. Major General D.T. Cowan spotted Manekshaw holding on to life and was aware of his valour in face of stiff resistance from the Japanese. Fearing the worst, Cowan quickly pinned his own Military Cross ribbon on to Manekshaw saying, “A dead person cannot be awarded a Military Cross.”

The War of 1971

Manekshaw became the 8th Chief of Army Staff on June 7, 1969. His years of military experience were soon put to the test as thousands of refugees from the erstwhile East Pakistan started crossing over to India as a result of oppression from West Pakistan. The volatile situation erupted into a full-scale war in December 1971. During this Indo-Pakistani War, Manekshaw showed uncommon ability to motivate the forces, coupling it with a mature war strategy. The war ended with Pakistan’s unconditional surrender, and the formation of Bangladesh. More than 45,000 Pakistani soldiers and 45,000 civilian personnel were taken as POWs. Manekshaw masterminded the rout of the Pakistan Army in one of the quickest victories in recent military history, it took all of 14 days to teach our neighbour a lesson they’ll never forget. The victory led to the creation of the nation of Bangladesh as separate from Pakistan.

A MAN OF STEEL, AND GREAT WIT

• In 1961, he refused to toe the line of the then Defence Minister, V.K. Krishna Menon, and was sidelined. But after the Indian army suffered a humiliating defeat, Prime Minister Jawaharlal Nehru rushed Manekshaw to command the retreating Indian forces. This had an electrifying effect on the demoralised officers. Manekshaw convinced the troops that the Chinese soldier was not “10 feet tall”. His first order of the day: “There will be no withdrawal without written orders and these orders shall never be issued.” The soldiers showed faith in their new commander and successfully checked further ingress by the Chinese.

• Once, he sent a packet to the leader of a battalion whose troops were reluctant to attack the enemy camp. A parcel containing bangles was delivered to the commanding officer with his compliments and a cryptic note: “If you are avoiding contact with the hostile, give these to your men to wear.” The next few weeks saw a flurry of activity by this battalion, resulting in another message: “Send the bangles back.”

• After the 1971 war, Manekshaw, while visiting military hospitals to see jawans and officers, was encountered with a soldier who had five bullet injuries. While patting the injured soldier to boost his morale, the Army Chief said “Look, you’ve got five bullets in your body, I had seven bullets at your age and today I am Chief”!


RUN-INS WITH INDIRA

Manekshaw shared a love-hate relationship with Indira, and he used to often negate her suggestions. Once, following the 1971 war against Pakistan, Indira confronted him about rumours that he was planning a coup against her. “Don’t you think I would not be a worthy replacement for you, Madam? You have a long nose, so have I. But I don’t poke my nose in other people’s affairs,” he joked. Needless to say, the no-nonsense Ms Gandhi walked away in a huff.

Suicidal women

I have been following the sad death of airhostess Sucheta Anand, and the aftermath, quite closely. Because I find the story quite perplexing. And frightening.

Assume for a second that a very hurt and depressed Anand killed herself mainly because her casanova boyfriend wasn’t committing to her, and was playing the field. Now, is that reason enough to charge the fellow with abetment? Is being a cad a criminal offence? Is cheating on a girlfriend a crime? And if an already disillusioned lady does something destructive because of that, should the man be held responsible?

There’s no easy answer but cold logic tells me definitely not. Every time a woman dates a man, she carries an inherent risk in the process. The guy may turn out to be super partner, or may turn out to be a traitor, a creep. And when the latter happens, she needs to accept it as bad luck and move on. And if she doesn’t, and does something silly, how can we treat the man as a criminal abettor? And if Arjun Menon, her lover, deliberately drove her into killing herself, he becomes guilty. But conversations that happen inside the confines of four walls, leave no trail of evidence. And in this case, there isn’t even a suicide note. So there’s no law in this nation that can be used against him. Menon will walk a free man, sooner than later.

Bottomline: All ladies must accept that relationships come with a risk tag. And they need to be ready for all outcomes. And no man can be held responsible if a jilted lover can’t handle this risk. In this context, it’s incorrect that Menon is being given such a hard time, it’s against the spirit of natural justice. All I can tell ladies reading this piece is something I wrote years ago when model Nafisa Joseph killed herself in similar circumstances: We men just aren’t worth dying for.

Congress is jacked!

Looks like Sonia’s good luck is fast running out, and the BJP’s is shining again. And it’s not just happening in Karnataka.

I am sticking my neck out and predicting that the Congress will get beaten black and blue in the coming general elections, no matter what sops and promises it chucks at the junta. By heavily increasing the price of gas and fuel, the government has dug its grave nicely.

I know, there was no choice, I know the oil majors were going broke, I know price of crude oil is mounting, I know the BJP would have done ditto in similar circumstances, I know all that. But elections are not won in India because of what you and I think, the upper and upper middle class is irrelevant in the Indian democracy. The people who join long lines to cast their votes are the poor and the lower middle class folks, and they either don’t understand or don’t want to understand gassy terms like Global Oil Crisis and Fiscal Deficit. All they know is ‘Congress ne hamaari vat lagaa di’, and they will do what they can to take revenge and throw the UPA out.

So, by Jhulelal, get ready for the nation’s first Sindhi PM. And am I rejoicing at the thought? Well, yes. Cos the price of gas deffy won’t come down, but that of sai bhaji and pakwan dal might. Jokes apart, nothing will change, of course. The life of the aam aadmi will roll on as usual. But it’s Advani’s turn now to have some fun on the spinning wheel. Cheers to the world’s greatest democracy!

The new desh

To me, the defining image of the new India emerged last night at the IPL’s grand finale in Mumbai.

As Shane Warne, surrounded by his boys, gleefully accepted the trophy, firecrackers went off right behind them. And Warne’s knees began to tremble, he almost had a heart attack during what was his career’s most memorable moment. Clearly, the lurking fear of bomb blasts came to the fore, the Oz hasn’t gotten over the Jaipur blasts, and must have nervously read about the bomb that was diffused only hours back in a New Bombay theater.

And this is the accurate picture of the nation for me: a global outlook, a booming economy, financial muscle power, hard materialism, and yet, complete apathy to the real issues that plague us. That, in our desperation to make money and entertain, we have given a shit for our own dirty backyard.

And the image of the agri mantri, Shri Sharad Pawar, beating his chest on the IPL’s global success, even as yet another farmer killed himself somewhere in a remote village, came a close second to Warne’s in painting a vivid pic of the new India.

The father's burden

Enough has been reported/stated/farted in the media by rookie journos and idiotic cops over the Aarushi murder, so surely you must be bored. However, there’s one thing that still needs to be said.

Assume for a second that it wasn’t the dad that killed his teen daughter (yes, that possibility cannot be ruled out yet), imagine the complete terror the man must be living. First, the brutal killing of his daughter and the trauma that follows thereafter. Then, the intense media scrutiny on his life with some seriously slanderous shooting in the air by the police. Now, he’s in jail facing hard interrogation, and a narco test on its way. And all this based on what? Absolutely nothing, the police have no evidence at all in this murder. And guess what? Even if eventually the case misfires and the man is declared innocent, his life, his career, his everything, is blown forever.

Spare a thought for the man. God forbid, such a calamity can befall any one of us, what with crimes increasing by the day in the big cities.
Clearly, the time has come for the investigative process in such cases to be totally overhauled. We must be doing some very wrong things to destroy a man in such a fashion. I don’t know what the solution is, but I do know this: this is the worst thing to ever happen to any man, and any civil society cannot allow it. Yes, it’s possible the man is guilty, in which case he deserves it. But what if he isn’t? We’ve already hanged him over and over again.

So who’s next?

I think the cricket bookies should expand their operations and do deals on which Indian city will get bombed next. It’s anybody’s guess, so lots of moolah can be made.

So then why am I trivialising such a ghastly matter? Simply because the terror agents are toying with our nation, we can do zilch these days but wait for another attack. It’s a gamble now, you just have to be lucky to survive. Blasts have become like a 20/20 cricket match, they keep getting played out every other day, only the venue changes.

And because they have been happening at such regular periods, most of us have lost interest. It would be interesting to find what TRPs the news channels scored on the night of the blasts, compared to the match in Kolkotta which was on at the time. So yup, it’s following the usual chain of events. Images of blood and gore. Tales of survivors. Damaged lives. Political blame games. Odes to the spirit of Jaipur. Empty rhetoric by netas and intelligence officers. Pseudo communal bonding. Soon, Jaipur will get erased out of our memories (exactly as it happens after the assorted Bombay blasts). See, we are already busy discussing Jayasurya’s pyrotechnics last night.

So till the next blast. I am betting on Mumbai. Any takers?

Ex Expressway?

So now they are planning on policing the Mumbai Pune e-way. And if you dare to hit over 80, they’ll clamp down on you big-time. The only place left where you can really enjoy driving in this country will soon be snatched away from us.

And what has caused the sudden braking? One sleepy driver inside a desperately overloaded machine ran into the rear of another vehicle and caused the death of many. So now because of the misdeeds of one idiot, 99.999% of the rest of us must pay. Does this make sense from any angle? The whole concept of expressways is high speed driving. In many western nations, you get penalised for slowing down, and here we are, as usual, shifting into the reverse gear.

Using this logic, we should police all railway tracks because many fools cross them and lose their lives but that does not happen. We should ban smoking because some people get cancer but that does not happen. We should ban prostitution because some careless sods went in without protection but that does not happen. And yes, we should police every politician because a few are corrupt, and of course that does not happen.

What the authorities NEED to do is to get after illegally overloaded vehicles, but that they won’t do as haftas will get lost. So instead they have decided to reduce speeds of ALL vehicles, thus destroying the concept of an expressway.

Of course people will still die, cos some idiot will go to sleep even when he’s driving his overloaded coffin at 80 kms/hour, so then what will they do? Reduce the speed limit to 50? And then 30?

So let’s hit the e-way soon before it’s renamed the b-way. The bullock cart way.

Pirate BMC

Suddenly, we are reminded of an asinine municipal decree that many of us did not even know existed! In Mumbai, we are expected to shell out nearly 30% in terms of taxes to the BMC on rents collected by us over our leased properties. How corny and unfair is that.

I have two huge, huge issues with this fatwa on real estate in the city. One, having paid humungous amounts on stamp duty, registration and other hurtful taxes, what business is that of the municipality on what we do with our assets? What business do they have eyeing monies we make on our assets, especially given that we already will pay income tax on the rents? Has anyone even bothered to ask what becomes of the stamp duties we pay, how much of that goes into lining the pockets of the corrupt babus and netas? And now, this!

Here’s what will happen if we don’t protest against this totally irrational levy: The landlords will jack up their rents to pass on the burden to the apartment renters, and this is another body blow on the middle class citizens of this city, who stay on rentals cos they can’t afford to buy prop in the first place. Is the BMC trying to drive the middle and lower middle class out of this city?

Two, many discouraged landlords will quit giving out their flats on rent
(don’t forget many building societies already charge higher maintenance on rented premises), thus leaving a whole lot of houses vacant. In short, a lose-lose situation for the aam aadmi.

Sadly, I don’t have access to the mass media to bring this issue to the fore. If you do, dear reader, please use that power to make sure this fatwa is scuttled immediately. Apathy has thus far got us nowhere. Now it will drive us out of this city.

Paison ki paathshala

Here's my review of SRK's Paanchvi Pass for which the Mirror 'forgot' to carry my byeline. :(

In keeping with the great Indian reality television tradition, yet another international show has been adapted (read copied) for the desi audiences. ‘Kya Aap Paanchvi Pass Se Tez Hain?’ is based on the hit US show, ‘Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?’ Just as the title, the rules, the format, the setting, it’s all been borrowed (speak of cheating in class). The only novel element is Teacher Shah Rukh Khan, but more on that later.

The format

Paanchvi Pass (conveniently called PP by the convent educated) is a game show in which contestants compete for big bucks by attempting to answer questions taken from primary school class materials. Each contestant is presented with the chance to win up to Rs 5 crores by answering 11 questions taken from textbooks of first to fifth class. The contestant is presented with 10 subject cards, which she/he may answer in the order of her/his choice. Each correct answer moves the contestant higher up the moolah pyramid. If a contestant answers all 10 questions correctly, she/he is given a chance to answer an 11th question for Rs 5 crores.

And to make sure the ‘students’ don’t make complete fools of themselves, there are the usual lifelines called ‘cheats’. These cheats are classmates, which is a group of children seated on stage who answer the same questions as the contestant. Every two questions, a new classmate joins the contestant and becomes her/his teammate for those two questions. The contestant can use her/his cheats at any time during the first 10 questions.

Does it work?

It should in theory, given the deadly prize to be won (five crores is a new high for Indian television), and the apparent ease of winning the dosh when all you have to do is answer bachon ke sawaal. Compared to KBC, where, after a point, the questions used to get blisteringly tough. And I say in theory because the timing of PP’s launch could not have been more inappropriate. Whether the raunchy cheerleaders survive or not, the Indian audiences are all sold over the IPL matches, and the head-on clash could prove hurtful for the game show. I would be surprised if PP scores even half the TRPs the KBC shows notched up, despite the many dangling juicy carrots.

Sexy teacher

Which is perhaps why the channel (Star Plus) has roped in crowd puller SRK to play teacher, so if all else fails, there’s always the Badshah’s charisma to fall back on. Am afraid the star may not prove to be such a strong magnet on this occasion. Simply because when he hosted KBC 3, Shah Rukh was returning to television after nearly two decades, and there was huge curiosity amongst the audiences. These days, King Khan has totally hijacked Indian television programming, and much like Rakhi Sawant, is all over the place, either dishing out cute one liners at busy conclaves, or selling assorted products, or hawking his flicks or, yup, promoting his T20 club. The mystique is blown, and we are tired of the SRK overkill. So while in the first episode of PP the jeans-clad cool teacher did all he could to keep the excitement going, including flashing the legendary dimples and connecting fabulously with the kids, what I was more interested in was the on-going Mohali match.

I may not have scored many marks in my fifth grade, but am tez enough on my remote control. PP will have do a lot of homework if it wants a shining report card in that all important subject called TRPmatics.