Chennai: Social media 1. Mass media 0.

Unfortunately, sitting in dry Mumbai, much as though one wanted to (like many other Indians), I could do nothing to help citizens of Chennai. However, images of people and vehicles trapped under water reminded me of 2005, of that dreadful day when the sky literally fell upon our heads. I was one of those stuck in office till late at night, unsure of the extent of the damage, unsure of what my next move should be. This, despite being a journalist working for a daily. All we were getting was sketchy information from colleagues who had ventured out. I prudently decided to stay put at office, many Mumbaikars didn’t, and lives were lost as a result.

What we in Mumbai lacked at the time was social media, and indeed it is this new tool that has helped people in Chennai fare better than we did ten years ago. There have been continuous updates and tweets on the situation… information on the most affected areas, localities that need urgent help, the kind of help that is needed, information about missing family members, and the general dos and don’ts. Am quite certain if we had this support back in 2005, some lives could have been saved. So the next time you scoff at rubbish chatter that goes on on Facebook and Twitter, remember they can help you in perilous times.

One other thing: Mass media had pretty much ignored the Chennai floods, every other silly story was being covered but no attention given to the sufferers there. Once social media got into the act, guilty Big Brother mass media had no option but to emulate. In fact this has become a trend now, social media usually takes the lead. Just goes to show where the future of the media lies. 

Hasta la vista, baby.

So the ‘juvenile’ who was involved in the brutal assault on the Delhi gang rape victim will be out of the ‘correctional facility’ this month. And he will dive into the waiting arms of a caring NGO that will provide him ‘vocational training’ (I hope the staff is all-men). If the incident hadn’t been so tragic, this would have me go ROFL. I understand that the chap can’t be sent to an adult prison, but does that mean we have to treat this ‘juvenile’ rapist cum murderer with kid gloves? Can a person responsible for this level of monstrosity be expected to reform? Was he charged with picking a pocket on that bus? Make no mistake about this: This criminal will be back to his dirty tricks in good time. So what’s the solution? I am no legal expert but the least that should happen to him is to be put on a technological leash, an electronic bracelet, so that there is 24X7 surveillance on his every activity. If the law doesn’t permit even this, well, we should go ahead and do it anyway. Laws are made for the welfare of people, not to put them in danger.

Incidentally, for the statistically inclined, a study in the US reports that 66% of juvenile criminals who have been arrested will become repeat offenders within 24 months. 49% of them will become repeat offenders within the first year. And this includes youngsters involved in petty crimes. Now imagine the probability of the Delhi juvenile growing up to be a gentleman.

Delhi’s odd car(t) strategy

Arvind Kejriwal wants you to drive your car only on alternate days. Nothing wrong with that, this experiment to reduce pollution and traffic has worked in a few other nations. The problem here, as usual, is that the damned cart has been shoved well ahead of the bloody horse. For one, public transport in Delhi isn’t geared up for the fresh load, so this ploy will create more mess on the streets and inside the underground trains. And two, because they have suddenly set the cat amongst Delhi’s well-fed pigeons (contrary to Kejriwal’s famous public referendum theory), many would rush to purchase their second/third/fourth gaddi, thus creating a whole new set of problems. Until the public transport system is made to rock, such ideas are bound to fail.

By the way, I don’t think Kejriwal worries about offending the city’s middle class citizens, he doesn’t care, his vote bank is the lower middle class and the poor, who have no direct stake in this policy. And when the idea fails, he will simply blame the central government for not supporting him. One more brownie point in his war against Modi. At the aam aadmi’s cost.

Tch, tch, tch.

As a child, I used to get scared of evil spirits, and would often not be able to sleep at night. My mother, who would naturally get rattled by this nuisance, had two options. One, deliver a slap for being moronic, and order me to go to sleep. Or two, discuss my fear, trace the source of it, and then find a way to convince me that the fear was unfounded. And round off by uttering Aamir’s favourite phrase, ‘All izz well’. Which do you think is a better approach?

Too much noise has been made about the star, and as usual, TV debates further muddled the issue. It’s actually pretty simple: What we are saying to Aamir Khan is this: Dude, if you are feeling insecure about life in India, don’t talk about it, just shut up and carry on with work as usual. And if you do, all hell will break lose for you. 

When we do this, aren’t we demolishing the Constitution of India which guarantees free speech to all citizens? How can we take this right away from the man only because he is a popular actor with gadzillion followers? The moment we do this, we turn into an intolerant nation, thus proving Khan’s point. And we end up making him and others feel even more insecure.

The only problem I have with what Aamir said is this: As the spokesman for ‘Incredible India’, he should have first resigned from that job, and then called a press conference to share his reasons. What he did at the event was, I suspect, abrupt and not really thought through. This is something we don’t usually expect from Mr Thinking Actor.

And by the way, no, Khan isn’t taking the first flight out to Damascus anytime soon. He is busy looking to purchase a 200 crore rupee property in good old Bandra West. And jealousy is making me intolerant of him. :)

Pappu fail ho gaya. Again.

Loved the way students of Bangalore’s Mount Carmel College stumped 'young' Rahul Gandhi. Here’s a link:

Click here.

Two points: I am amazed that youngsters in Bangalore believe in the idea of Swachh Bharat. That city is perhaps the dirtiest in India (Mumbai is better, and that’s saying a lot), each time I visit I spot uncollected garbage strewn around one housing complex or another. And their municipal corporation is notorious for its sloth and corruption. Perhaps students of Carmel belong to Bangalore’s most affluent families, and so they have failed to notice the mess. Only that would explain the optimism.

As for Gandhiji, there’s a simple lesson even a basic public speaking course will teach you: When you are caught in a spot, try and be witty or smart. Humour will almost always get you out of a tight situation. In his place, this is what I would have said to the students: Hehe, you guys in Bangalore believe in the idea only because you have a Congress led government here. We are doing the PM’s dirty work, while he is busy entertaining the swachh NRIs. Or words to that effect.  

Am told Pappu likes to hang out in Bangkok. Don’t know exactly what education he gets there, we can only imagine. I would suggest signing up at a public speaking institute in New Delhi. Am sure they have a few.

Idiotic censors

Still reeling from the massive response to my interview with the CBFC chief (for Mumbai Mirror). The interview once again proves that for the Indian government, now and in the past, chamchagiri has always taken precedence over merit. This is the biggest reason why the country progresses at a snail’s pace. For those who missed the hilarious exchange, here’s the link:

Click here.

Paris terror diary

Those of us living in Mumbai aren’t shocked by the attacks in Paris, we can only feel a sense of déjà vu. The 26/11 template was always going to be reproduced, it was a huge success for terrorists, it was only about where and when. Sadly for Parisians, they became the city of choice. And it will happen all over again. It’s so easy to do; arm a bunch of brainwashed, loser youngsters with automatic weapons, select targets, and they are ready to roll. A 9/11 is so much more difficult to plan and execute.

Some people used social media to express anger over Paris being given too much attention, when no one cares about regular terror attacks in Lebanon, Syria, Yemen and other strife-torn places. Of course, they have a point. However, it’s not that we don’t care about these places, but there will be strife in strife-torn places, and so one gets numbed to the hard reality. Sad, but true. Also, such savagery in Paris rankles more because that city is the symbol of love, art, culture, wine and joie de vivre. It’s a place you associate with happiness, not misery.

Our PM likes to collect air miles, he likes to hangout with global leaders. I am not sure what really comes of these expensive jaunts, maybe we do benefit in some way, though we still have to discover what that is. But one hopes Modi is carefully observing the French government’s reaction to terror. They quickly mobilized support from other powerful nations, commenced air strikes on ISIS targets almost immediately, combed their homeland hard and tracked down/neutralized a bunch of terrorists within a few days. And have declared they will be harsher on refugees desiring to enter their country (democracy and humanitarianism be damned). Will this stop future terror attacks? Certainly not. But some quick hard measures do provide balm to injured souls. After 26/11, all we received was a barrage of insensitive, crappy remarks from our netas. Like, ‘bade bade shahron mein chhoti chhoti batein…’. And of course, Pakistan continued with life like nothing happened. The PM should watch France’s reaction from inside his living room, and pick up a few tips. Better than wasting air fuel to entertain NRIs at glitzy events.  

I also hope our policemen observed how quickly the venue of the showdown with terrorists was sanitized. Citizens and media personnel were parked a huge distance away. I still recall television journalists reporting directly from below the Taj Hotel in Mumbai, proudly holding up shattered pieces of glass, even though the operation hadn’t ended. This mistake has been repeatedly made during terror attacks, in fact I was allowed to enter the Gateway of India complex minutes after a bomb blast. We have to master the process of sanitization, no option in this matter.

On Syria, the new fountainhead of terror. That nation has spiralled out of control in the last four years, with various factions fighting each other, and as usual, the US and Russia have been waging a proxy war in troubled waters, rather than fighting with one objective. And this division has given the ISIS arms, legs and teeth. And bullets. Now is the time to act as one team against this new menace. The more the nations are divided, stronger is the threat.

Lastly, on France. They have to find a way to stop making Muslims feel like second class citizens. The goras need to find ways to welcome them into their lives, their culture and their financial success. An unhappy community creates disgruntled elements, and then there is a price to pay. On this aspect, the western nations can learn from India. Minorities do face odd acts of discrimination out here, but by and large they are considered equal citizens in every single way, they are fully integrated. Nations like France and the UK must get there quickly, for their own good. 

The pledge no one remembers

With all the noise about intolerance and worry about polarization, I am reminded of the pledge we used to take in school. In fact, if I remember correctly, it used to be carried in every single text book, though I wonder if that still happens, given the general crudity, insensitivity and intolerance we see all around us, even amongst the kids.

‘India is my country and all Indians are my brothers and sisters. I love my country and I am proud of its rich and varied heritage. I shall always strive to be worthy of it. I shall give respect to my parents, teachers and elders and treat everyone with courtesy. To my country and my people, I pledge my devotion. In their well being and prosperity alone, lies my happiness.’

It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to state that these few lines embody the so-called spirit of India, the basis on which this nation was born. Obviously no one took it seriously at school, and it was therefore quickly forgotten as we grew up. I believe the most telling words are ‘I am proud of its rich and varied heritage’. Right from childhood we were told to respect and celebrate India’s diversity, but we have gone on to fight it, to demolish it, to screw it.

The need of the hour is to ‘mainstream’ this pledge. It should be pasted on notice boards and websites of schools, colleges and offices. Every single parliamentary session must begin with this pledge, so should every cinema film. It should be played on television periodically. AR Rahman should be commissioned to convert it into an anthem. Would be a good start to stop the decay and rot that has set into India.

Thought for Diwali

As I write this, pre-Diwali crackers have begun to go off. And this message pops up on WhatsApp. Good one. So much better than blowing up money in smoke, so much better to bring a smile to someone less privileged. And yes, do not ask for the person’s religion, cast, etc, just handover the goodies. Happy Diwali! 

Esther’s recklessness

Of course, her assaulter deserves to get the harshest punishment, that is a fricking no-brainer. The fact that it will take some more years to get Esther Anuyha justice is what rankles the most. But that’s the way justice is doled out in this country, so we have to live with it. (For those not familiar with the crime story, here’s a link: Click here.

And today I am going to say something similar to what I had said in a column way back in the year 2007, a column for which I was roundly dissed by feminists. (This was in reference to the rape and murder of a Pune techie.) Although the headline I had used at the time was provocative (and I later apologized for it), the essence of my piece I still stand by: Indian men, in general, cannot be trusted, and therefore women travelling alone have to be always on their guard, whether they like it or not. Sure, we need to reform our men, but that could take centuries, even more. In the meantime, women have to take some amount of responsibility for their own safety.

In Esther’s case, it wasn’t wrong to accept a ride if a cool bargain was on offer. Most of us would take it, in any case cabbies and autorick drivers at Kurla station are notorious for thuggery. But when she discovered, outside the station, that the chap had no cab, only a bike ride on offer, under no circumstances should she have accepted the offer. Instead, the young woman  should have screamed out aloud to attract attention, given that the creep was refusing to return her luggage. By choosing to go ahead with the ride, Esther behaved in a reckless manner. As an educated, independent working woman, she ought to have exercised better judgment. Surely she would have read about the Pune techie murder (and the one in Bangalore before that).

 

Once again, yes, the criminal needs to pay, and no, I am NOT blaming the poor victim. But it is equally true that a life could have been saved if the victim had played safe. We don’t live in Utopia, dear feminists. We live in India, a nation packed with frustrated perverts.

Chhota Don

Okay, so the dreaded chhota bhai has been arrested, but I find it funny that certain people believe this will lead to the capture of bada bhai. If chhota had the skills, ideas and the network required to nail bada, he would have done so a long time ago, their enmity is the stuff of legends.    

Rather, it is to save himself from bada bhai that the ageing mafia leader seems to have decided to check into a prison. There’s also the issue of his failing health. In short, the man, when he is deported to India, would serve the nation little purpose. And will become yet another burden on the taxpayer. Best to let him chill in Bali.

Diwali nuisance

Sadly, the SC has allowed the junta to continue to blast bombs on Diwali. Here was an opportunity to kill the noise once and for all, but the esteemed court blew it. I really think the court should have put a stop to sound, while allowing the lights to go on. In this manner people still get to follow ‘tradition’, but without giving heart attacks to fellow citizens. There are various ways to measure the level at which a nation finds itself on the evolutionary scale. Festival celebrations is one such in the Indian context. The fact that we want to continue to blast the peace of the elderly, the ailing, the babies and the pets, tells us we haven’t evolved one bit in all these years.    

Award wapsi

So many creative people are busy returning their awards. I wish to do it too, but there’s a tiny hitch. I had won the columnist of the year award in 2002, the only significant award I have won in my life (not counting the few I won in inter-school sack race competitions). I have lost the plaque. Guess the domestic help chucked it, believing it to be kachrapatti.

Fiery joints

Eight people died in the Kurla restaurant fire. Just like that. Their only fault was to eat lunch in a dodgy pad. And guess what? These things will keep happening in a city like Mumbai. One, because real estate is super expensive, therefore proprietors will use every square centimeter available, and when none is left, they will create space by erecting false ceilings. And gas cylinders will be precariously parked wherever parking space can be eked out. This is a pretty common sight, rendering many food joints prone to fire attacks. Two, corruption in the municipal corporation. Licenses are often bought by these space-starved restaurants, and they get renewed with the same method. The BMC is currently indulging in song and dance about ‘unsafe’ eateries, and they will stop the nautanki moment the eight lost lives are forgotten.

So what’s the solution? Simple, really. Modify the law, and declare that when an inferno rages in any restaurant, and it’s a result of unsafe practices followed by the owner, the licensing officer will be tried for culpable homicide. And he/she will face punishment under that section. Jail time for a few will quickly sort out this recurring problem. Remember this: Our cities are packed with people that belong to the lower middle class, and with cash strapped students. They have no option but to dine at cheap restaurants, and so it becomes the duty of the BMC to do its job.

As an aside, here’s the list of the eight dead: Two Hindus. Three Christians. Three Muslims. The fire didn’t check who was eating vegetarian or non-vegetarian. Or who was eating fish or chicken or beef. It treated everyone equally. If the current dispensation learns a lesson from the fire, the eight lives won’t totally have been wasted. 

Of dogs and pups

Listening to (Ex) General VK Singh’s talks these days, one begins to wonder if the soldier would fire first and then examine the identity of his victim. The newly-minted mantri’s insensitive remarks have been bringing his party a great deal of grief, and the latest one is use of dogs as an analogy while discussing the murder of Dalit kids. As usual, everyone wants the PM to condemn the analogy. In this instance Shri Modi can be forgiven for his silence. Didn’t he use the analogy of puppies, a couple of years ago, while talking about the Gujarat riots? Same difference chhe.  

Courier trauma

I had to ‘FedEx’ a letter to Bangalore last week, and a routine event such as this turned out to be a stressful activity. On Tuesday, after ‘confirmed booking’, the pick-up dude did not turn up. Frantic calls to the FedEx call center yielded no answers, calls to call centers seldom do. Thankfully, the document wasn’t urgent, and so I decided to dispatch it on Friday. No sign of the pick-up man again, despite another ‘confirmed booking’. At this stage their slogan, ‘Relax, it’s FedEx’, started buzzing in my head, sending my BP go up several points. (‘Relax, have a Charminar’, would have been more relaxing.) I decided to take the law into my own hands, and after a little spade work, located the pick-up man who services my locality. Amar, the very sweet chap, flashed a lovely smile, checked his records, and triumphantly announced that no booking had been made by me. Ah, but the lady with the sexy voice ‘confirmed’ the booking, I protested. Amar shrugged. I am sure she was chatting on WhatsApp while dealing with me, I then suggested. Amar flashed his lovely smile again. Am sure he’d want to be relocated to their call center, any call center for that matter. They reward bullshit talk in these places, or so I have concluded.   

The one and only Viru

Viru Sehwag was truly unique, and deserves all the adulation he is getting in the media. Though it’s another matter that he should have retired a few years ago, the blaster’s batting had gotten severely jaded, he wasn’t going to be picked anyway. A lot has been written on Viru’s technique, or rather the lack of it. So let me just say this: When on a roll, the man was a compelling watch, you wouldn’t budge from your seat, not even to take a pee break. And if you suffered from a weak bladder, you were in serious trouble. Don’t think any other Indian batsman has had such a powerful hold on cricket fans. 

Senanigoons

Mass media and social media went after the Shiv Sena, all guns blazing. Folks on Twitter were sweating hard to come up with new metaphors. ‘Stained the nation black’ wouldn’t do, it’s much too trite, best left to television anchors. And of course, everything was quickly forgotten, as is the case with our ultra busy media. Forgotten faster than the time diligent sisters at Harkisandas Hospital took to unstain Shri Kulkarni, if not the nation.   

The question no one asks whenever the Sena boys go wild is this: Why do they indulge in such nefarious deeds? If people cared to ask, they’d figure there is a perfectly rational answer for it, and therefore such deeds will find periodic occurrence. The Sena needs to make its presence felt now and then, and Pakistani politicians and artistes become easy meat (not beef!). They have known for the longest time that street tamasha goes down rather nicely with their core voters, and therefore it’s an effective strategy. Their voters don’t get much impressed by pot-hole free roads or collected garbage, and definitely not by the prospect of a breezy Mumbai night life. They want the Sena men to flex muscles at real and imaginary enemies, this is their way of outsourcing glory. Thing is, if you don’t fear the Sena, their party is pooped. Bal Thackeray knew this pretty well, and so does his equally feisty nephew, Raj. Uddhav and son, both essentially chilled out guys, have tried their best to do cool stuff, but it hasn’t worked. And so the dadagiri must go on.

Once we get this, hyperventilating will stop in the media the next time the ink bottle is opened. So then what must restless tweeters do? Nothing. Sit back, tighten the seat belt, and enjoy the tamasha. And hope you are not on the stage when it happens.

Er, what about the cash?

Upset with the government’s ‘communal politics’, more and more laureates are busy returning their Sahitya Academi awards, as a mark of protest. The question is: Is this activity giving the prime minister sleepless nights? Is it making him turn secular? I doubt it. He’s got four more years in office, this is not the time to worry about awards being returned, or fret over polarization activities being conducted by his ‘fringe’ pals. Being a good Gujju, it’s time to collect air miles, do as much tourism as possible (with khakhra packets as carry-on baggage), and get some selfies shot with the likes of Zuckerberg (and keep an eye on the ‘likes’ meter). He will worry about mundane stuff from back home in the last six months in the grand office. And by the way, the Sahitya plaque comes along with a cash prize. Wonder if the peeved writers are returning the moolah, too.

Bar blues

Dance bar girls won’t be back in business anytime soon, the Maharashtra government wants to continue to keep the music turned off. This despite the SC shooting out an order in the girls’ favour. I am not sure how many of them were selling their bodies post the dance show, it is likely that some were. What we definitely know is that once the shutters came down on the bars for good, thousands of bar girls had to ‘graduate’ to prostitution, to support the lifestyle they had become accustomed to, and to feed multiple mouths back home. Although it must be said that during the sting operation I did for Mid Day in the year 2005, immediately after the bars were closed down, none of the bar balas agreed to sleep with me, ouch! Here’s a link to that sad story. 

Click here. 

Maahi’s lost (and found) mojo

It’s unfair to expect Maahi to continue to be his 2011 avatar, when the world was at his feet. Ups and downs happen to most of us in our careers, and for sportspeople, it’s even more likely to happen. As they say, time and tide must take a toll on all. In Kanpur, fans were screaming for his blood, in Indore, the captain hit back by winning the match almost solo. However, Maahi must accept that things aren’t going to be the same anymore, inconsistency has gradually crept into his performance. Indore has kept him inside the team for another year, but cool-headed that he is, Maahi must start planning his next career move, so that he departs on a high. Many of his predecessors had to be physically dragged out of the cricket field, hope our most successful cricket captain doesn’t have to face the same ignominy.