To B or not to B?

As much as I have adored Bachchan’s performances on the screen, I have been severely disappointed with his actions (or the lack of them) off it. Despite all the hero worship for Sachin, SRK and probably Aamir, I am convinced Big B is our greatest living role model, with the largest base of fan following and hero worship.
But then why has he always been a selfish man, why is he busy only fattening his own bank balance, why does he never even attempt to convert his awesome brand value for the betterment of his nation? Why is he hanging out with a fixer like Amar Singh? How on earth can he be a part of a campaign that is aimed at usurping farmland?
I have always found it depressing that people like Bachchan just don’t care for us, that has made me even more cynical about this country. And when I went to meet him for the Mirror interview last Friday at his swanky ABCL office in Juhu, I pretty much told him so. And all I got was the famous cold stare. Here’s a link to the interview (click here), perhaps you will find some answers therein.
My own take: Big B has become as cynical and negative about this nation as the rest of us. Damn!

The real boss

I don’t understand a word of Tamil. And yet, I followed 90% of Sivaji, which should give you some idea why Rajinikanth is India’s biggest movie star, and also what to expect in his new blockbuster. It’s all there. Pulsating songs set against garishly elaborate backdrops, over the top costumes, and loads of oomph and energy. AR Rahman has, as always, delivered the goods. 'Vaaji Vaaji En Jeevan Si Sivaji' tempted me to join the gang on the aisles, even if I have no clue what the words mean.
The legendary Rajini fight sequences have gotten laced with mind-blowing special effects, so expect shots like a bullet stopping itself millimeters away from the star’s forehead, a train coming to halt inches away from our hero (flagged down with a red chunni by his gal, who, while heaving a sigh of relief, also cares to heave her ample cleavage). And yes, there are enough trademark Rajini punch lines through the three-hour plus marathon. Although I did not always follow the lines, that did not stop me from whistling wildly in the company of hundreds of die-hard fans. Rajini does that to you, he transcends all language barriers through sheer charisma.

Superb performances
Lead actress Shreya fits the part perfectly. She can at once be an ultra conservative Tam Bram, and in another jump cut, a sexy damsel oozing with raw passion. Cinematographer K V Anand has come up with rich and grandiose imagery, and art director Thota Tharani’s techni-coloured sets ensure not one member from the audiences dares strut off for a quick ciggie.
Commenting on Rajini’s acting is a waste of time, the man is a class act, a great delight to watch. He may have given up his unique cigarette flicking gimmicks, but Rajini more than makes up with chewing gums and one-rupee coins. But full credit for making a sixty-year-old man look convincingly thirty-plus must go to costume designer Manish Malhotra and hair stylist, Sandrine Verrier Seth. The cool blonde wig was a roaring hit in the Bangalore audi.

The story has been told
If there’s one negative to Sivaji, it’s the lack of a novel storyline. While director S Shankar has been hugely protective on pre release leaks, he need not have worried. It’s an out and out James Bond flick, with a very faint and oft-repeated ‘social message’: the rich must also think of the poor. And even if some loaded Bangalore techie was moved, it was more because of Rajini’s rapid-fire kicks and punches, and less because of the kind message he imparts. But that does not stop Sivaji from being a cinematic treat. Simply because Rajini overpowers and eclipses all storylines. The actor is bigger than his canvas, a true larger-than-life hero. There is no one in Bollywood who can claim that sort of a mass appeal, no wonder AVM has readily put Rs 80 crore riding on his slim shoulders, making Sivaji the most expensive film in Indian history.

Big B versus Rajini
Amitabh in his best days (Deewaar, Trishul) had a similar cult following, but there’s one key difference: In an Amitabh film, the galleries blew whistles and catcalls as he first appeared on screen. With Rajini, the hysteria begins as soon as the dull and dry censor certificate comes on. Still want to debate who’s the bigger movie god?

(Originally written for Mirror.)

Damn adjust maadi

(Wrote this for Bangalore Mirror readers)

I think one expression Bangaloreans should immediately erase from their dictionary is 'adjust maadi'. Not just because the rest of the nation now associates it with an underwear brand, but also because it's no longer cool to simply adjust with whatever life in the city has on offer. In fact, it's self-destructive to continue to behave thataways, given the seismic changes that have happened in the city in the recent past, and I am not referring to the tongue-teasing name change. (With due respect to all my Kannadiga friends, Bengalooru is a bit of a mouthful for the rest of us, it leaves a tickling sensation in my fragile larynx.)

The auto rick guy cheats and abuses you? Don't adjust maadi, demand he take you there, AND give him an earful all through the journey. The reason these crass creatures get away with crude behaviour is because we have been adjusting maadi with them for too long now. It's payback time.

That lunar crater (called pothole by nice Bangaloreans) down your street doesn't get repaired for months and years together? Don't adjust maadi. Gherao the local corporator (do you even know his/her name, dear adjuster?), and demand he/she take action. Never forget you pay for his/her salary and the gas-guzzling Amby.

New road projects and rail links are delayed by years, causing you great hardships and health problems, not to mention massive fuel losses? Don't adjust maadi. Do some Gandhigiri with the mantris and babus. Send them a bouquet of flowers a day. And if that doesn't work, mail some balloons loaded with carbon monoxide.

You get robbed of your laptop at primetime in the heart of the city? Don't adjust maadi. Visit the police commissioner's office and demand quick answers. In case your latest excuse is you don't know where to find the good officer, here's the address: No 1, Infantry Road.

Yup, I know, it's heart breaking to trash a phrase that's your most fav, one that's definitive of the city itself, one that's symbolic of the good guy Bangalorean. But sadly, it's time to bury 'salpa adjust maadi' for good. Because it's become irrelevant and accursed in the very messy, mismanaged and under-pressure New Bangalore. In fact, the powers-that-be will want us to always be relaxed, chilled out and adjusting as citizens, so that they can have a free run with the city, all the more reason we should dump it ASAP.

And most importantly, because surely none of you wants Bangalore to become synonymous with an underwear brand.

Don't insult the whore

(Sorry, have been travelling. Here's what I wrote in the Mirror today in the meantime.)


Good work, NDTV. Assuming the tapes are accurate (there’s no reason to believe otherwise), that was a cool sting operation in the Sanjeev Nanda hit and flee case. It has yet again reminded us of the rot in the criminal justice system in this country. But will anything change after the great expose? No, you guys have simply wasted footage. May as well have given that much television time to your party reporter Ms Anisha Baig, at least she brings in some cheer into our dull and dreary lives. We are an intensely corrupt nation, and our lawyers are one of us, they haven’t come from another planet. There is corruption in the army, in the police, in politics, in the bureaucracy, you name it. So why should the lawyers behave themselves? We Indians eat ghoos, we drink ghoos, we burp ghoos, we shit ghoos. Apart from nations in the sub-continent, I cannot think of a single country where the prosecution and defence lawyers hunt in pairs. The only entity I implicitly trust is the street hooker. Because there is no deceit, no hypocrisy, no fraud with her. What you see is what you get. She must be the most honest worker in this country today. So please, let’s not insult her by saying our lawyers are prostituting their profession. Instead, let’s idolise her.

Husain in a mischief monger

There, I said the cruelest thing possible about a grand old man, a man renowned for painting goods that fetch millions of dollars in the market.

Popular view suggests we must not be harsh on a man that age. And I say, a man of that age should in fact be expected to appreciate banal things like respect for the law of the land, respect of people’s sensibilities, and most importantly, respect for all religions.

Under the excuse of freedom of expression for artists, Husain cannot get away with insulting gods, whichever religion they might represent. God only knows how deeply the Indian masses feel connected with their almighties, a visit to a local temple, masjid, church or a gurudwara would be an enough hint if you are still in doubt. Even our movies and television soaps reflect our strong beliefs in faith. India is a failed democracy, our leaders have consistently let us down, and all the common man/woman is left with is faith, faith that keeps them going. And any mischief with that aspect is bound to cause hurt, and I am dead sure our artists understand that. These Johnnies aren’t beings from Mars, they invest in real estate, they hold meetings with their CAs, they dabble in stocks, they too live the real lives. But moment the brush comes into the hand, they behave like super creative, super beings, who must be left alone to do what the eff they want. Bollocks, mate.

In my view, it is creatively burnt-out artists looking for easy recognition who stoop to the level of degrading people’s religion. They know some rabid fanatics will seize upon the chance to whip up further emotions, in fact that’s what I suspect they WANT to happen, as it gives them some form of a cult status and cheap publicity. There are a hundred billion subjects artists can choose from, but the only one thing they want to draw is that what creates hysteria.

It’s a pity Husain didn’t stick to drawing raunchy images of Madhuri Dixit; his sexy muse got married, flew out of the nation, and worse, put on oodles of weight. But she’s back again, and has lost a lot of kilos. Perhaps he should shift his naughty focus back on the backless choli lady.

Be Husain’s muse again, Ms Dixit. Only you can save gods from further degradation.

The unthinkable has happened

Without a doubt, Mayawati cannot be trusted. Any neta who comes up with the preposterous idea of building a shopping mall as an annex to the Taj, needs to have his of her head examined, and if found sane, needs to be put behind bars. And you can imagine what awaits us if such a leader becomes the PM one day (and Mayawati well might). She’d pass an order for a multiplex opposite the Raj Ghat.

Having said that, even as the rest of us in Bombay gave all the tamasha over the UP elections a quite go by, as we should (except of the fact that Bachchan was caught lying in the TV commercials to appease his fixer bhhaiya, and except for the fact that failure of political leadership in UP and Bihar adds to the numbers of taxi and rick drivers in the city), Mayawati went and changed the country a bit. And shockingly enough, for the better.

It’s staggering to believe that in a caste and community damaged and divided nation like ours, the woman managed to bring Dalits, Brahmins and Muslims together under one roof, and they all voted for her! This is like a tiger, deer and wolf joining in the same party, and doing a merry jig together. Yes, it’s that incredible.

Of course, what helped her cause were some asinine side acts. Like the foot-in-the-mouth disease Rahul Gandhi suffers from. Like the fact that the BJP is as relevant in our lives today as a manual typewriter. Like the loss of credibility Bachchan enjoys in this country, from the date he started hanging out with Amar Singh.

Despite the above, you have to admire the lady for having achieved the unthinkable. She reached out, and the masses trusted her, as simple as that. While the rest of us weren’t watching or were simply sniggering, she’s gone ahead and changed the course of history, she’s actually made us look like a better nation. Whether Mayawati has the skill or the desire to make the most of this development, remains to be seen. It would be a waste if she spends the next five years only on digging into her rivals’ skeleton filled cupboards, and sadly she will, but at least she’s made a difference for now. Maybe now the rest of the politicians will realise the divide and rule policy no longer cuts ice with India, maybe now they will move onto developmental issues. And just for making that happen, much as though I hate to say it, Mayawati should be chosen Prime Minister, sooner than later. I for one am deffy voting for the BSP, come next elections.

Sure, there will be a Mallika Sherawat doing pelvic thrusts next to Bapu’s samadhi, but at least we won’t be killing each other in the name of caste and religion. This is Gandhigiri, Maya style, and boy, am I lovin it.

Law and disorder

Phew! The Bombay High Court has done the right thing. It has pulled up the prosecution in the Alistair Pereira hit and run case, saying it was ‘insensitive’ while dealing with the matter. (I think insensitivity is a kind word in this situation, I would be tempted to use much harsher terms.) In a stricture for the lower court that acquitted Pereira of culpable homicide not amounting to murder, the High Court said it should have examined co-passengers as witnesses. I cannot believe the prosecution failed to make the witnesses testify, usually we are saddled with crimes where there is no witness, and here we have as many as three of them, and yet they aren’t interrogated. The High Court has asked the Police Commissioner to explain certain "loopholes" in the investigation. The honourable judges have also asked the investigating officers to verify whether the victims have got the compensation and how they have invested the same. Sure, not only should the victims be adequately compensated but also I do hope the judiciary doesn’t let the prosecution and the cops get away with this. Alistair Pereira must face the music for sure, but so must those people who indulged in ‘shoddy’ work. In fact, I hope there is an investigation into whether the work was indeed shoddy, or were there some financial transactions involved. The High Court has the opportunity to make this into an exemplary case for all future hitters and runners, and their helpers.

What about Narendrabhai?
With the Gujarat government facing the heat in the fake encounter case, the state CID has detained a few middle and lower level policemen who were part of the operations led by the three arrested senior IPS officers, according to NDTV. A case may be registered against these eight policemen and they are likely to be arrested once the CID is sure of their role in the crime. The CID is interrogating certain policemen of the ranks of Inspector, Sub-inspector and Constable who were members of the team that tracked the victim Sohrabuddin Sheikh all the way from Hyderabad till the scene of the encounter in November 2005. What worries me about this story is this: while it is all very well to track down the criminal cops and try them in the courts, what about the culpability of the netas under whose instructions and goodwill these heinous crimes were committed? Sadly, they will as usual get away with murder, which is, to my mind, the single biggest failure of our great democracy.