We don’t deserve freeways

As many as 27 people died in an accident on the Mumbai/Pune expressway on Monday morning. With many more injured. Ever since the expressway became operational in the year 2000, hundreds of people have perished on it. (And there have been many accidents on the fancy Sea Link as well.)

Strange, don’t you think? With large 3-laned one-way roads, one would have thought chances of collisions would be minimal, if not totally eliminated. So then what the hell is going on?

Here’s the problem: People in India are not ready for freeways. We are far better off with cramped roads and bumper to bumper traffic. I have driven on the Mumbai/Pune expressway on numerous occasions, and here’s what I have noticed:

Very heavy, over-laden trucks don’t just operate freely, the drivers often stick to the right lane of the expressway, in complete disregard to rules of highway driving. The drivers are often pissed drunk and badly over-worked. Impatience, restlessness and sleep are bound to take their toll. And they never get reprimanded by the highway patrol. Should there not be a regular clampdown on these guys at the toll nakas?

Untrained or semi-trained young car drivers go ballistic on the expressway. This is like their huge break from city conditions, and they use the opportunity to test their ‘skills’. Quite naturally, many lose control of their vehicles. They over-speed, abruptly cut lanes, don’t maintain a safe distance and panic in a dangerous situation. How is it possible to control this in a corrupt nation where driving licenses are doled out like chana watana? And where some bikers ‘mysteriously’ slip onto the expressway?

Next. Most people don’t follow basic vehicle maintenance procedures. They will hit the expressway even if the car tyres are balding badly, and checking air pressure before driving out is considered a total waste of time. This ducking of simple safety measures proves even more costly at nights and during the monsoons. Speaking personally, while driving on the expressway, I don’t just keep my eyes on the road and hands on the wheel (as Jim Morrison advised), I keep a sharp look out for moronic drivers and suspicious vehicles. Is this the way to enjoy a freeway drive?

Basically, the complete disregard that Indians show to fellow citizens in all walks of life (spitting on the streets, screaming at restaurants, jumping queues, etc), gets spilled over to the highways. With lethal results.

And since we aren’t going to change our ways anytime soon, I think we should forget about constructing more freeways. We don’t deserve them.

Where did Keenan go wrong?

There’s this guy called Keenan Sentos who was killed when he and his pals objected to some drunken mawalis teasing their lady friends. This happened in Mumbai, and crime happens every hour in the city, so this is nothing really sensational.

However, the incident set me thinking, because this sort of a thing can happen to any one of us in public places. No one knows for sure what really transpired at that paan shop in Andheri, but we know this much: The group was waiting for their paans to be prepared. A couple of drunkards teased the girls in the group. The men objected, and either abused or slapped the drunkards. The drunkards returned with a large gang which attacked and killed Keenan, apart from injuring his male friend. Thankfully, the girls got away unharmed.

Question is: What is the learning from this tragedy for the rest of us? What exactly went wrong? Should we not protect and stand up for women with us? Of course, we must. That’s a given. A chap may wimp out, out of fear, but it will torment his conscience forever. At least that’s the traditional view point. So where did Keenan & gang go wrong? Frankly, I have no answers. And hindsight is always smart, but to live in the moment is another story altogether.

Still, here’s what’s buzzing in my head: When a drunken man teases your female partner/pal, there’s really no point in attacking him. The man is not in his senses, and is capable of any sort of reaction. The idea should be to move away from the scene as quickly as possible. Is moving away a sign of cowardice, should not a man take some direct action against the offender? Not really. I think for a man, the first responsibility is to get the woman with him into a safe zone. Her safety is paramount. If this is tantamount to escaping a volatile situation, so be it. Make no mistake about this: Any man who takes panga with sozzled mawalis is compromising the safety of women with him. And there’s nothing macho about that.

Two, after having fobbed off the drunkards, Keenan and his pals continued to wait for their paans. Now, however out of the world the paan might be, doesn’t it make sense to quickly leave the area? To get away from a place of potential conflict? Isn’t continuing to hang around there a sign of recklessness?

Like I said, I don’t know the answers. If you do, you are welcome to share. I am only thinking aloud. Because while Keenan’s death is irreversible, it must serve as an example for all of us so that we don’t repeat the same mistakes.

There’s something about Anna

So then how did this obscure, unknown old man manage to capture the nation’s collective imagination? Why is the junta, cutting across social, caste, religious and regional divide, whole-heartedly supporting him? What has gone into the making of the mighty Brand Anna?

Here are three possible explanations:

1. There has been a crisis of leadership in this nation for a long time now. People of India sorely miss a leader they can respect and trust. The last formidable leader we had was Mrs Indira Gandhi (despite her short comings) and there has been none of note after her death. Rajiv Gandhi flattered to deceive. Atalji could have been that leader but he owed his allegiance to a highly communal parent, and the Gujarat riots happened under his watch. Apart of these two, our leaders have been either inefficient or corrupted or both.

In this scenario, out of the blue, trots in a man endearingly called Anna. And using the forgotten methods of Bapu, he promises to clean up the nation. He has no shady past, he seemingly has no affiliation to a political party, he stands for non-violence, and tells us things we want to hear. It’s simple, really. Anna Hazare has quietly occupied a vacant slot in this nation. That of a leader we were all looking for. And I daresay if a referendum was to be held in this nation tomorrow on who should be our PM, 99.99% of the people will choose Anna. And the rest would opt for Dr Manmohan Singh. Such is the crisis of leadership in the nation.

It must also be noted that a vast majority of the populace has no idea what the Lok Pal bill stands for and how it will cure the scourge of corruption. People aren’t rooting for the bill, that’s just a symbolic tool…. they are rooting for Anna, the leader of the masses.

2. In politics, perception is more important than reality. No one knows if Anna Hazare has a hidden agenda behind his Lok Pal crusade, no one knows if there are secret forces propelling his march, no one knows if what he really wants is a grand entry into politics. And frankly, no one cares. All this nation is clamouring for is a clean leader who can get things done. All we are looking for is an honest, decent, go-getter messiah. And Anna fits into that perception very nicely. The Congress leaders tried very hard to kill that perception, they tried to fling crap at Hazare by calling him corrupt, but it didn’t work. Because no one cares, really. So what if he blew up two lakh rupees on his birthday, we asked. That’s a bloody paltry sum compared to the looting and plundering the Congress has done on this nation for decades. It’s the perception that’s the most important thing. Anna can do no wrong, we have already decided that in our minds.

3. What also seems to be working for Anna is his immensely charming persona. He LOOKS like a man we can trust. And when it comes to leadership, don’t underestimate this factor. He is 70+, a senior citizen, and still wants to bring about change in a nation in which he realistically speaking has no personal stake. This makes him a crowd favourite. Indians are emotional people, and we can’t sit back and do nothing when an old gent is out there fighting for our rights. In addition, Anna LOOKS like a really sweet grandpa, Santa Clause if you will. He is the father figure we never had. He is the affable Dadaji we want in the house. He is that cute teddy bear we all adore. We all want to reach out to him, protect him, hold him. Once again, don’t underestimate the importance of his personality, it is playing a huge role in his success. Just imagine for a second, even with all his noble intentions, if he looked like Om Prakash Chautala or HD Deve Gowda. The crowds would have vanished a long time ago.

CAUTION: FOR ADULTS ONLY!

This post is meant for those who enjoyed the filthy language of Delhi Belly. Those who made this absolutely (and literally) crappy film a huge box office success. Those who believe obscene cinema is equal to great cinema. Those who believe hurling and hearing gutter words in public places is a hip and cool thing to do. And those who are happy that the bar has been lowered really low in Hindi films.

I was thinking if Mr Delhi Belly Aamir Khan were to re-write classic Hindi film dialogues, how will they read? Here’s a golden collection. You can add your own.

Now, some of you will enjoy these. The rest will get repulsed. I am hoping, really hoping, you belong to the latter group. In any case, alas, you are probably reading the future of dialogues in Bollywood films.

“Sara shahar mujhe Bose DK ke naam se jaanta hai.”

“Bh.. wa Mogambo khush hua!”

“Ch… ye, kitne aadmi the?”

“You b……d, main tumhaare b…..d bachche ki maa banne waali hoon!”

“Kanoon ki g….d bahut badi hoti hai!”

“Ruk ja! Kanoon ko apne haath mein mat le! Apne l… d ko apne haath mein le le!”

“Yeh dhai kilo ki g… d jab phat ti hai, aadmi unth ta nahin, ch…d jaata hai.”

“F…… g taareekh pe F…… g taareekh pe F…… g taareekh pe F…… g taareekh!”

“Aapke t.. ts bahut khubsoorat hain. Inhe choli ke peeche rakhna, nahin to maile ho jaayenge!”

“Ek m…… d machchar aadmi ko hijra bana deta hai.”

“Senorita, bade bade shaharon mein aisi f… k all baatein hoti rahti hain.”

“Pushpa, you b… ch. I hate tears.”

“What’s your f… king name, Basanti?”

And the culpability of the parents?

Very recently, there have been a few cases of suicides reported in Mumbai, by young married women who were allegedly tormented by the in-laws. In at least two cases, the unfortunate, desperate ladies also took the lives of their little children, and I can’t think of a sadder tragedy. Remember, such incidents that happen in urban India get a wide media coverage. One can only imagine the number of similar suicides in India’s heartland, most of which don’t get reported. Or even noticed.

And quite rightly, criminal cases are filed against the in-laws. Most of them don’t reach their logical conclusion, as abetment to suicide is almost always oral, therefore difficult to prove in a court. And the accused often don’t leave footprints behind. So the cases inevitably collapse, and the alleged culprits walk free. But that’s another story.

What disturbs me is the role (or the lack of it) of the girl’s parents in these gruesome incidents. That never gets discussed, never gets investigated, and perhaps if it was, the rate of such suicides may actually reduce. Let’s never forget that when a dependent woman gets harassed by her in-laws, her only recourse for help, emotionally and otherwise, is her parents, brothers and sisters. And if that doesn’t happen, if her folks are unable to provide support and understand her predicament, the poor woman has nowhere to turn to. And this helplessness could be a key catalyst for killing oneself.

Questions that need to be asked: Did her parents agree to give dowry during the marriage? If so, they have already participated in the sad outcome. Most in-laws who crave dowry will never be satiated with a one-off payment, and much like blackmailers, will keep returning for more. Did the parents insist that the tormented woman ‘somehow’ make the bad marriage work, to ‘compromise’ and live with her wicked in-laws? Did they fling the stigma of ‘social badnaami’ of a broken marriage in her face? Did they offer to support her financially when she expressed the desire to move back with her family? Did they take her frantic phone calls seriously? Were they there for her??? Questions, questions, questions. And they never get answered.

Point is: Sure, put the errant in-laws under serious pressure. But parents must also do some hard soul searching on how they contributed to their daughter’s death. Directly or indirectly.

Hum sab chor hain

I am quite certain a vast majority of the Hazare fans have little idea of what exactly the Lok Pal bill is all about. And no, they don’t even care. Basically, the citizens were waiting for an opportunity to vent their frustrations out on the corrupt netas, and Hazare sahib provided that platform. In fact, I think the real turning point of the movement was when a group of feisty volunteers kicked some politicians out of Jantar Mantar. That gesture made many fence sitters jump to the side of Hazare. We are all Annas now. And we want the dirty, slimy, creepy chor netas punished. Big time.

Fair enough. I think the angst is more than justified. The politicians of India have been sucking the nation dry since independence, and it was high time the usually apathetic nation revolted. So far so good. And surely the Lok Pal bill will be passed under Anna’s watchful eye, and corrupt practices amongst the political class will get a little controlled.

However, simply fixing the dirty netas isn’t the solution. Because corruption runs in our arteries, we have all contributed to it, we are all corrupt, we are all chors. Because in our raging anger, we seem to have overlooked one key factor in the equation: It’s just not possible for our leaders to be corrupt unless we, the people, are corrupting them. So the source of bhrashtachaar is actually us. Not the netas. We give them votes in exchange for television sets. Industrialists ‘donate’ them funds in exchange for licenses, permits and other favours. We fall at their feet when they ‘grace’ our lives with their whirlwind visits (thus acknowledging them to be our monarchs and mai baaps). We are happy to bribe them to get our kids into good schools, secure government jobs, get plum transfers, get water connections, get jhopadpattis legalized, get out of legal troubles… the list is endless. And worse, we also ensure the babus, the police force, the custom officers, the municipality clerks, the lower court judges, the RTO dudes, the IT officers, etc, etc, also get bribed so we can benefit out of turn in every walk of life.

In short, we have made the nation corrupt. We are the real chors out here.

So yes, by all means support Anna. More power to him! By all means stand up for the nation. By all means diss the greedy netas. By all means wear the ribbons and the topis and the badges.

But do also take a moment off and stare at the mirror. Long and hard. The root of the problem is staring you in the face.

6 reasons why India will not win the Cup

No, this post isn’t a knee jerk reaction to last night’s incredible loss to South Africa. Have been meaning to write this for some time, but was stuck with more pressing matters.

1. Crowds: Historian Ramachandra Guha said this to me, and I totally agree with him. The intense crowd pressure and the explosive media hype gets into the heads of our cricketers. And they succumb to it. Only Sachin and Veeru are immune to it… the former because he’s mentally strong, and the latter because, a la Salman Khan, he lives on another planet. India will always find it difficult to win a big cricket tournament in India. Their best bet is the foreign soil. History will bear this out. And those crazy ads like ‘Jeetana padta hai’ egg on the crowds to go madder and more unreal than they already are.

2. Sachin: The entire attitude has been all wrong. And the Aussie players, who we chronically accuse of indulging in ‘mental degradation tactics’, were actually right about it. The players want to win the Cup for Tendlya. That is both, stupid and morale deflating. You play for your country and not an individual. However godly his status. It is always about the team. This impetuous on Sachin may be de-motivating the others in what is very clearly a team sport. The 1983 Cup and the 2007 T20 Cup were won because there was no god in the team. Everyone was equal, everyone pitched in equally. That is the reason the Aussies consistently win. They have no gods. Incidentally, this attitude also puts needless additional pressure on Tendulkar.

3. Dhoni: India’s ‘lucky mascot’ is slowly losing his lucky charm. All the talk about India’s best ever captain has affected his mind set. And the cool, earthy approach of the past has given away to an egoistic temperament. His seems to be indulging in nepotism (sub standard players are being selected over meritorious ones). And the impression going around is you have to suck up to the captain if you want to retain your place. That is a disaster. Not just for a sports team, for any organization. Also, the bad ego. If the media says Piyush Chawla is bad news, Dhoni MUST select him to prove them wrong. Another disaster. One more thing: Dhoni has forgotten the art of solid batting. Big loss, that.

4. IPL: The IPL has diluted the hunger to succeed for some of our boys. This is perhaps also why they are all busy sprouting beer bellies. Consider this: Gautam Gambhir has just been credited with 11 crore rupees in a single year by Shah Rukh’s team. That’s serious money in the kitty already. Ditto with Yusuf Pathan. How much does it matter to them then if we win or lose the World Cup? Their life is already sorted out, man. And I am not even going down the endorsements road.

5. Pathetic bowlers.

6. Even more pathetic fielders.


Yes, despite all the above, we could win. Because all it takes in a limited overs match is for a rival team to have a bad hair day. However, we need to get real about our expectations. And we need to keep the emotions in check. A tough ask with Indians, for sure.