Very depressing

Modi’s huge win in Gujarat is a very scary development for this nation. Because it endorses that a vast majority of Gujaratis are delighted with his brand of politics and governance. And inspired, the beleaguered BJP and its allies will now take this winning model forward with great vengeance across the nation, since development and progress are concepts that don’t seem to find many takers. And that can only be a very dangerous and regressive trend. As a nation, we have already paid a very heavy price on account of communal politics, and clearly, a lot more needs to be paid.

No, one isn’t questioning Modi’s financial success in his State, maybe he does know what it takes to pave the path to prosperity. (Though I have always believed our very enterprising Gujarati folks need little help from their netas to get ahead.)

But there can never be lasting peace and happiness if one segment of the citizenry is left out and alienated. It will only help breed contempt and hatred.
Notice that not even once in all these years has Modi apologised or taken responsibility for the riots, rather, he continues to behave as a hero. Which means, divisional politics will now move into the fifth gear in Gujarat, and that is very frightful.

Well, looks like India is still many, many years away from the next stage of evolution.

Brand India

(Had written this for TOI four years ago. As you would notice, nothing has changed.)

After feng-shui, bowling alleys, thirsty ganpatis, names with six Ks, quiz shows and ABCD films, it's the turn of a brand new fad: Brand India. As they say, this, too, shall pass.

The idea was mooted in Ad Asia when industry bigwigs spoke on India as a brand and the media went ODing on Brand India, as if archeologists just discovered a goldmine inside Bangalore's Devanahalli call centre.

I think it's a mistake to promote India at this point of time. Because, as the legendary ad guru, David Ogilvy, said, "Nothing kills a bad product faster than great advertising." India is a substandard product. It's a condom that leaks, a toothpaste that leaves a bitter after-taste, a noisy car, a stained shirt, a sloppy airhostess and yes, yes, it's a chocolate with worms slithering inside.

Our infrastructure is a fricking mess, corruption has replaced oxygen, people burn each other alive in the name of religion, the No 1 national issue is whether to build a mandir or a masjid in a mofussil town, bandhs get called for no reason at all, and India's commercial capital has a brand new name: Slumbai.

Forget selling India, the brand, we have failed to sell India, the tourist destination. Most of the firangs who arrive here, face enormous hardships, just so they can momentarily partake of the magnificence of the Taj.

And we just had a CM who was all set to write the obituary of the one monument that earns us foreign exchange, the nation's last known asset. The bitter truth is, techies like Infosys & Wipro have done well despite the nation, not because of it.

Birla says, "We have to stop skepticism and focus on the positives. There is a general tendency to focus on the negatives." Hullo Sirji, it's all very well to focus on our strengths, I like that, but how long will you shove the rats under the carpet?

What is the use of making power presentations inside the boardrooms of New York and Tokyo, encouraging firangi CEOs to visit, and then have their crotches grabbed by naughty hijras on the crumbling roads of the Western Express Highway? And this, after the insatiable customs officers gleefully cleaned them of their scotch and dollars.

Here's the deal: let's not put the cart before the bull. Let's focus internally first, let's set our house in order.

First, let's manufacture a good, solid product, and then go out there and sell it. Isn't this the most basic lesson they teach in B-school?

The Black-lash

Let me clarify a few things, since Aamir’s comments on Black have blown into a full-fledged controversy in the media. In my interview with Aamir for the Mumbai Mirror (here’s the link), the actor was simply reacting to a specific question on Sanjay Bhansali’s much revered and much awarded blockbuster. That question wasn’t pre-planned, it became part of a freewheeling conversation as we went along. So let’s be clear and immediately kill any suggestion that Aamir was using the interview to get at Bhansali.

Two, although I have the highest regard for Mr Bachchan (I grew up on his cinema), I do believe there was absolutely no need to deride Aamir for his comments on Black, I daresay it was a tad unbecoming of an actor of his caliber and stature. We are all entitled to our views on stuff that falls in public domain, and we must accept that there will be people who don’t agree with our work. I felt disappointed that our dear Big B reacted so strongly to comments made by an actor so many years junior to him. And I will make it a point to mention this to him when I have the good fortune of meeting Mr Bachchan next.

Incidentally, for what it’s worth, I do agree with Aamir. Black left me cold and unmoved, which was a shocker. A film loaded with an emotional story, that of a girl who is dumb, deaf and blind should have tugged at the heartstrings. And I think it’s gotta to do with the totally clinical and antiseptic way the film was directed… there was zero soul in the film. And it’s not that I have suddenly formed this opinion, these were my exact comments in a column in Sunday Mid Day soon after the film’s release.

Er, Kirsten is right

Now that we know the incoming cricket coach doesn’t relish Indian food, finds hotels in small towns laughable and thinks there’s no point driving a luxury car in India as it gets rodgered within days, the fellow will always find himself stuck with the off-the-cuff comments he made ten years ago.

Clearly, he’s taken up this hugely onerous job as the biggest challenge of his life (the pot of gold must have played a part too), but his discomfort with the Indian way of life will make things iffier for him.

While I do not agree with Gary Kirsten on the food and shelter bit… Indian food is the most delicious in the world, no wonder the firangs are falling for our khana, and I wonder if the equivalent small towns of a non-descript Rajkot in any part of the world have seven star hotels.

But I DO agree with him on the car. You will rarely find a gaadi (especially a luxury sedan) that hasn’t been deep-scratched. And the honours on new cars (to break their ‘virginity’, eesh!) are carried out by playful Pappus and Buntys of the building society or by the angsty urchins passing by parked cars. I kid you not, but a friend, the moment he got delivery of a spanking new car, carved a huge scratch on both the sides. No, he hasn’t gone insane, this was his way of saying, “Look, if my car has to be vandalised, I may as well do it myself, so I don’t feel violated later!” Hmm. It’s a thought.

Would recommend Kirsten buy himself a sharp paper cutter the moment he arrives on our shores. At least he’ll have one less thing to carp about.

BOOM!

No other Indian fest gives me as many creeps as Diwali (though Holi is a terror too, with creeps being unleashed on the streets to have fun at strangers’ expense). And apart from unwanted guests and unwanted calories, it’s the firecrackers that give me nightmares.

But yes, despite all the crackling sounds, the number of bombs being blasted in the neighbourhood has seen a dramatic fall. I recall my childhood days at Cuffe Parade where for days together, residents of Cuffe Castle and Mehr Naaz buildings would be in serious competition on who could make louder and longer sounds. Now, the noise levels have gone down, and that’s a surprise given that in 2007 AD, the Indian middle class has extra bucks to burn, there’s just too much black cash lying around waiting to be exploded. The boom in spending on conspicuous consumption is testimony to that.

Elated environmentalists believe the decline in noise is because today’s kids are far more environmentally sensitive than the earlier gen, that they do care about all the pollution that crackers create. That they don’t like it when dogs, babies and elderly citizens go crazy. And I think that’s sheer bunkum. If the new kids were so sensitive and caring, so many parents wouldn’t be getting dumped in old age homes, violence in schools and colleges would have come down, and we know it’s exactly the opposite that’s happening.

If the farting sounds on Diwali have reduced, it’s gotta do with only one thing: the kids today have far more action than we did a decade or so ago. Why waste money and time on setting some stupid fireworks into the air, when you can invest the same moolah into cooler stuff? Like chilling out with the gang at a lounge bar. Or taking the weekend off to Lonavala with the blokes. Or dating that chick from Orkut. Or having a sex romp in the friend’s vacant flat in Chembur. Or at a seedy resort in Malad.

So the noise has reduced only because the kids of today have more options and the means. And has nothing to do with pollution control. Take away the choices, these doods would be out on the streets setting the skies on fire.

Tehelka for Modi

Full marks to the Tehelka journo for the expose in Ahmedabad. Having spent a couple of hours with Praveen Kumar Togadia inside VHP’s office in Mumbai, I can tell you the atmosphere can get very charged and pregnant with hazardous possibilities. And this chap spent all of six months with a spy cam living, eating, breathing with people who can get lethal, and that’s a highly creditable act. A brave journo, indeed.

However, what leaves me baffled is this: will anything come out of the ratification of truths we already knew about five years back? Modi and his men have made no bones about being communal, that is their ideology, the plank on which they amass their vote bank. So there’s nothing new we are learning now. Since the matter is in courts, and if the judges admit the tapes as evidence, then that’s great, but that’s as far as this sting will travel. And sadly, no more.

In fact, what worries me is that the story will backfire on the journalists, and it will make Modi’s brand even stronger than it already is in Gujarat. The Gujarati Hindus had more or less forgotten all about the so-called revenge attacks five years ago, and the focus, even for Modi’s election campaign, has been on growth and prosperity. At the recent Hindustan Times Summit, a beaming Modi spoke for the first time of inclusiveness. Whether he meant it or not, it was clear communal politics in Gujarat had lost its steam.

However, the wounds have come alive again, and will create serious religious tensions in the State. And this means another thumping victory awaits Modi. Again, it will be all about ‘let’s get our lion back into the hot seat’ war cry.

So does this mean sting operations is a bad idea on perpetrators of crimes in Gujarat? No. But five years later is just too late to make any real difference. Other than to provide steroids to Modi’s on-going election campaign.

An imploding nation

It occurs to me, Misbah of the Pak cricket team might just have saved his and his team members’ lives. By holing out to Sreesanth in the last over of the T20 Cup final. Because had Pakistan won the cup, and drove out on a victory motorcade on the streets of Karachi, they could all so easily have been blown away from the face of the Earth.

Pakistan is a totally failed State, a liability on the whole world, the ground zero of global terror, and with respect to our country, an incurable cancer sitting like a monkey on our right shoulder. All the terror activities on our soil can be sourced back to Pakistan; they won’t live in peace, and neither will they let us.

The sort of reception Benazir Bhutto received on her return home, was another proof that this nation has violence seeped into its DNA, that no one is safe out there anymore. And no, I didn’t suddenly decide today is Pak bashing day, it’s just that last night’s incidents shattered the last minor hopes one had for that country.

Clearly, neither is the military dictatorship able to deal with the terror elements (either intentionally or otherwise), nor are they willing to let go of control. And it’s really scary that these self-destructive people have a nuclear bomb lying around somewhere.

So what’s to be done? I see no other option but for the G8 leaders (and Pak’s buddy, the US, in particular), taking an active role in taming this rogue State. They need to forget about Iraq and Iran and find ways to monitor the destiny of this failed and messed-up place. Because left to themselves, not only will these guys destroy their own selves, but will make the whole world a dangerous place to live in.

As they say in medical science, if a tumour doesn’t self-heal, there’s no option but surgery.