Don't insult the whore

(Sorry, have been travelling. Here's what I wrote in the Mirror today in the meantime.)


Good work, NDTV. Assuming the tapes are accurate (there’s no reason to believe otherwise), that was a cool sting operation in the Sanjeev Nanda hit and flee case. It has yet again reminded us of the rot in the criminal justice system in this country. But will anything change after the great expose? No, you guys have simply wasted footage. May as well have given that much television time to your party reporter Ms Anisha Baig, at least she brings in some cheer into our dull and dreary lives. We are an intensely corrupt nation, and our lawyers are one of us, they haven’t come from another planet. There is corruption in the army, in the police, in politics, in the bureaucracy, you name it. So why should the lawyers behave themselves? We Indians eat ghoos, we drink ghoos, we burp ghoos, we shit ghoos. Apart from nations in the sub-continent, I cannot think of a single country where the prosecution and defence lawyers hunt in pairs. The only entity I implicitly trust is the street hooker. Because there is no deceit, no hypocrisy, no fraud with her. What you see is what you get. She must be the most honest worker in this country today. So please, let’s not insult her by saying our lawyers are prostituting their profession. Instead, let’s idolise her.

Husain in a mischief monger

There, I said the cruelest thing possible about a grand old man, a man renowned for painting goods that fetch millions of dollars in the market.

Popular view suggests we must not be harsh on a man that age. And I say, a man of that age should in fact be expected to appreciate banal things like respect for the law of the land, respect of people’s sensibilities, and most importantly, respect for all religions.

Under the excuse of freedom of expression for artists, Husain cannot get away with insulting gods, whichever religion they might represent. God only knows how deeply the Indian masses feel connected with their almighties, a visit to a local temple, masjid, church or a gurudwara would be an enough hint if you are still in doubt. Even our movies and television soaps reflect our strong beliefs in faith. India is a failed democracy, our leaders have consistently let us down, and all the common man/woman is left with is faith, faith that keeps them going. And any mischief with that aspect is bound to cause hurt, and I am dead sure our artists understand that. These Johnnies aren’t beings from Mars, they invest in real estate, they hold meetings with their CAs, they dabble in stocks, they too live the real lives. But moment the brush comes into the hand, they behave like super creative, super beings, who must be left alone to do what the eff they want. Bollocks, mate.

In my view, it is creatively burnt-out artists looking for easy recognition who stoop to the level of degrading people’s religion. They know some rabid fanatics will seize upon the chance to whip up further emotions, in fact that’s what I suspect they WANT to happen, as it gives them some form of a cult status and cheap publicity. There are a hundred billion subjects artists can choose from, but the only one thing they want to draw is that what creates hysteria.

It’s a pity Husain didn’t stick to drawing raunchy images of Madhuri Dixit; his sexy muse got married, flew out of the nation, and worse, put on oodles of weight. But she’s back again, and has lost a lot of kilos. Perhaps he should shift his naughty focus back on the backless choli lady.

Be Husain’s muse again, Ms Dixit. Only you can save gods from further degradation.

The unthinkable has happened

Without a doubt, Mayawati cannot be trusted. Any neta who comes up with the preposterous idea of building a shopping mall as an annex to the Taj, needs to have his of her head examined, and if found sane, needs to be put behind bars. And you can imagine what awaits us if such a leader becomes the PM one day (and Mayawati well might). She’d pass an order for a multiplex opposite the Raj Ghat.

Having said that, even as the rest of us in Bombay gave all the tamasha over the UP elections a quite go by, as we should (except of the fact that Bachchan was caught lying in the TV commercials to appease his fixer bhhaiya, and except for the fact that failure of political leadership in UP and Bihar adds to the numbers of taxi and rick drivers in the city), Mayawati went and changed the country a bit. And shockingly enough, for the better.

It’s staggering to believe that in a caste and community damaged and divided nation like ours, the woman managed to bring Dalits, Brahmins and Muslims together under one roof, and they all voted for her! This is like a tiger, deer and wolf joining in the same party, and doing a merry jig together. Yes, it’s that incredible.

Of course, what helped her cause were some asinine side acts. Like the foot-in-the-mouth disease Rahul Gandhi suffers from. Like the fact that the BJP is as relevant in our lives today as a manual typewriter. Like the loss of credibility Bachchan enjoys in this country, from the date he started hanging out with Amar Singh.

Despite the above, you have to admire the lady for having achieved the unthinkable. She reached out, and the masses trusted her, as simple as that. While the rest of us weren’t watching or were simply sniggering, she’s gone ahead and changed the course of history, she’s actually made us look like a better nation. Whether Mayawati has the skill or the desire to make the most of this development, remains to be seen. It would be a waste if she spends the next five years only on digging into her rivals’ skeleton filled cupboards, and sadly she will, but at least she’s made a difference for now. Maybe now the rest of the politicians will realise the divide and rule policy no longer cuts ice with India, maybe now they will move onto developmental issues. And just for making that happen, much as though I hate to say it, Mayawati should be chosen Prime Minister, sooner than later. I for one am deffy voting for the BSP, come next elections.

Sure, there will be a Mallika Sherawat doing pelvic thrusts next to Bapu’s samadhi, but at least we won’t be killing each other in the name of caste and religion. This is Gandhigiri, Maya style, and boy, am I lovin it.

Law and disorder

Phew! The Bombay High Court has done the right thing. It has pulled up the prosecution in the Alistair Pereira hit and run case, saying it was ‘insensitive’ while dealing with the matter. (I think insensitivity is a kind word in this situation, I would be tempted to use much harsher terms.) In a stricture for the lower court that acquitted Pereira of culpable homicide not amounting to murder, the High Court said it should have examined co-passengers as witnesses. I cannot believe the prosecution failed to make the witnesses testify, usually we are saddled with crimes where there is no witness, and here we have as many as three of them, and yet they aren’t interrogated. The High Court has asked the Police Commissioner to explain certain "loopholes" in the investigation. The honourable judges have also asked the investigating officers to verify whether the victims have got the compensation and how they have invested the same. Sure, not only should the victims be adequately compensated but also I do hope the judiciary doesn’t let the prosecution and the cops get away with this. Alistair Pereira must face the music for sure, but so must those people who indulged in ‘shoddy’ work. In fact, I hope there is an investigation into whether the work was indeed shoddy, or were there some financial transactions involved. The High Court has the opportunity to make this into an exemplary case for all future hitters and runners, and their helpers.

What about Narendrabhai?
With the Gujarat government facing the heat in the fake encounter case, the state CID has detained a few middle and lower level policemen who were part of the operations led by the three arrested senior IPS officers, according to NDTV. A case may be registered against these eight policemen and they are likely to be arrested once the CID is sure of their role in the crime. The CID is interrogating certain policemen of the ranks of Inspector, Sub-inspector and Constable who were members of the team that tracked the victim Sohrabuddin Sheikh all the way from Hyderabad till the scene of the encounter in November 2005. What worries me about this story is this: while it is all very well to track down the criminal cops and try them in the courts, what about the culpability of the netas under whose instructions and goodwill these heinous crimes were committed? Sadly, they will as usual get away with murder, which is, to my mind, the single biggest failure of our great democracy.

Paparazzi vs. Naraaz papa

Almost always, Amitabh Bachchan is a picture of dignity and correctness. Whatever faults one may find in him (especially his relations with badland bhaiyyas), you have to admit the man is all class. Which is why his media-blackout policy for the big fat family wedding surprises me. Bachchan has done enough time in the industry to know that Bollywood stars cannot cut the world out when there’s a marriage, especially not when the alliance is between the nation’s top stars. He would have known all along there would be hundreds of photographers surrounding Prateeksha and Jalsa, and that’s exactly what’s happened. So why did he allow this cat and mouse game to go on, completely beats me.

Sold out the shaadi?
Which is the reason why a popular theory doing the rounds is that Big B has sold the rights for the wedding to an international celeb mag, or a television network. When examined logically, this makes sense, this would explain all the hush-hush and locked iron doors, and image-busting Volvo buses. And if indeed this is the case, then I don’t understand why the mega star isn’t announcing that to the public… once we know the pics have been sold to another media brand, most of us will back off from desperate photography, and wait for the real stuff to appear. My own hunch though is that Bachchan might not have sold his son’s biggest day, the entire clan appears too conservative and superstitious to do things like that. And if my reading is right, I cannot fathom this privacy nonsense, it’s Ash’s wedding for god’s sakes, we WOULD be interested. If Abhishek had married a Dippanita whatever, the entire media would have been outside Alistair Pereira’s door today.

The ugly skirmish
And so, the inevitable happened; blood on the lawns of Prateeksha. And I neither blame the photographers (it’s their job to shoot exclusive pictures), and nor do I blame the black cats (they are paid to act before they think, they are edgy kind of guys, and a situation of a hundred photographers surrounding Abhiash would have been against orders from the top). Although Bachchan has graciously apologised, he must accept that the fault lies with his crazy blackout policy, it was a time bomb waiting to explode. All he had to do is what Rahul Dravid did on his wedding day: finish the ceremony in private, and then emerge from the house so that the photographers are awarded with their Kodak moment. And all would have gone home happy.

Holy instructions?
It’s possible one of the manglik-reversing sadhus commanded the blackout happens, then things make enormous sense, of course. Good luck, Abhiash.

Hit, Kill, Run & Chill

Drunk driver-cum-killer Alistair Pareira’s acquittal on charges of culpable homicide (click here for story) should provide great relief to many of us who drive drunk. The news that you can run over and kill seven people and yet be let off lightly makes me want to order another double patiala peg for the road. (Salman Khan might have thrown a wild bash in celebration… his own drunken driving case in which one person died is still stuck in the trial courts, and poor Salmanbhai killed just one chap!) Obviously, some serious money exchanged hands, and the evidence was sabotaged. After all, what’s the cost of lives of migrant labourers from Karnataka and Andhra in a city like Bombay? Zilch. That’s a no-brainer, the truth that the nation’s law enforcement machinery operates on the principle of different strokes for different folks.

However, what I don’t understand is this: why don’t they make amendments in the law, and make every death caused by drunk drivers tantamount to culpable homicide, without exception? Would that not prove to be enough of a deterrent for drunken drivers? And that sort of an amendment is badly needed in a city that’s full-on with people sleeping/squatting in the city’s patli gallies… in fact, pretty much every street in the city is a patli galli today, thanks to unplanned development and monumental migration from other states into the city. It is also a fact that a whole number of people drive drunk on our roads, and accidents are inevitable.

Sadly, that amendment ain’t gonna happen in a great hurry. Not at least till some big neta’s family members get run over by a drunk Alistair Pareira. Until now, only the zero-value people have been mowed down.

Till then, let’s hit the roads, bottoms up! Cheers!

Same shit happens in organisations

Although I have pretty much dumped cricket from my life, the backroom twists and turns excite me no end. Like all religious Indians, I have been carefully following the Greg Chappell versus The Great Indian team nautanki, with a good deal of interest. And the reason is: the current situation in the Indian cricket is ditto what happens in the corporate world.

A kick-arse, professional, unbiased, results-driven leader joins a large existing company. A company that is packed with executives who live on their past glories, suits who are long past their sell-by date. The new CEO’s mission is to turn this ‘living in the past’ company into an aggressive, cutting edge, today’s organisation. And to make the seniors managers accountable for their performance. So he comes in and puts his plans into execution.

However, the managers, who, despite not delivering results in the market place are heavily paid and toasted in the social circuit, start to feel insecure by the CEO’s dramatic changes and cut-throat style of functioning. They feel threatened and see the possibility of changes at the top level. At the same time, they have become too old and slothful to learn new tricks. So they do the only thing they know best in order to save their own skins: they get together and politick against the new boss. They unleash rumours into the boardroom that the man is not a people’s person, that he’s going around destroying morale in the office. That since he’s an outsider, the chap doesn’t understand local markets and working conditions. And that he’s cut-off from the core group and is inapproachable. They even use emotional speeches to grain brownie points with the shareholders. These slimy execs understand their only chance to make these ploys work is to hunt as a herd, and they go all out in a ‘huddle’ to save their jobs.

And because of all these political machinations and power games, the distracted company turns up with even more dismal results than the past, and the new CEO is left with no option but to put in his papers.

Which is why I am not at all surprised Chappell has booked himself a one-way ticket on Quantas. And I will be even more surprised if a single senior Indian player gets sacked. I have seen the same scenario played out in many organisations. I am sure you have too. And maybe even participated in it.