We, the lynch mob

Some years ago, I had gone to meet up with my CA at his office located close to Charni Road station, Mumbai. As I was walking towards where I had parked my car, I heard a massive commotion at a kerb. Some fifty people had gathered and were mercilessly beating up a couple of young men. Already there was blood on the street. When I rushed to check what was afoot, I was told the two had been spotted running with a bag of valuables, apparently stolen from one of the offices located in the area.

While a couple of us tried to stop the mob, someone else called the cops. But the mob fury raged on relentlessly. And by the time help arrived, the chaps were almost dead. And then everyone simply walked away non-chalantly. Bank clerks, businessmen, courier boys, hangers-on. Some venting their own frustrations on the alleged thieves, others simply enjoying a good chance to have a go. And no, it didn’t occur to anyone that, one, what they just did was illegal. And two, that, for all they knew, the boys weren’t guilty as charged. Those minor details don’t matter when you spot an opportunity to deliver a fist of fury. What fun!

Now, I am sure this is nothing new. And this regularly happens on the streets of India. So far so bad. Then, an explosion happened in the Indian TV media. And suddenly, the lynch mob landed inside the TV studios. And this time they were a bunch of convent educated, designer clothes wearing dudes. A few, celebrities in their own right. And night after night, they have been delivering instant justice on any one even mildly accused of any wrong doing. Has he been charged with murder? Hang the bastard tonight on prime time! Has he been accused of molesting a minor girl? Send the swine to jail for life, tonight! Did the poor student commit suicide because his bloody head master caned him? Send the fiend into prison, RIGHT NOW!

Yup. It’s the same lynch mob in action. Only, they don’t look like street ruffians. Under the disguise of crusading journalism, our TV anchors have not just been lynching alleged criminals, they have been delivering tabartop justice as well. From inside air-cooled TV studios. All in a few minutes of talk time. And it doesn’t matter if the person is eventually found guilty or not by the courts. That’s irrelevant to the ‘breaking news’ hysteria. The TV mob has already finished that suspect. For life. No wonder Ratan Tata says we are turning into a banana republic. Sure, we are.

And ironically, this time, the same poetic justice has been delivered to the TV journos, post Radiagate. Barkha & gang have been attacked by a massive lynch mob in the cyber space. Some of the slander and abuse going around isn’t even printable. The twitterati junta has already made up its mind: the journalists are guilty and must be made to pay. Right now!

So, virtual lynching is now the new form of street justice. The net has opened up doors to all sorts of cads, losers and frustos. And they have been merrily tarnishing reputations, firing in all directions indiscriminately, a la Ajmal Qasab. It’s a free for all out there. It’s as if the animal lynch instinct surfaced as the mouse came in hand. And all of them get away with it, despite leaving their foot prints (unlike the street lynchers). Because cyber laws are not in place, and it’s impossible to sue every dolt who wants to have a go.

So, god help you if you trip even slightly now. The lynch mob is ready to fire.
On the streets. In the TV studios. And in the virtual world.

Notes on Radiagate

In a way, am actually happy that the ‘leakage’ happened. Doctored or not, the conversations on the tapes provide an insightful, first hand revelation of how politics works in this country. Of course, we always knew there’s a lot of hanky panky at play. Except now we can HEAR with our own ears how politicians, bureaucrats, industrialists, power brokers and journalists (!) collude with each other to screw this country. So will things change? Probably not much. Guess the various constituents will be a tad more careful from now on with their murky dealings. And will only cut deals aboard private yachts. Still, it’s a stinging slap on the face of our great democracy. Maybe, just maybe, some soul searching will happen and that can only be a good thing.

On a lighter note, we finally got to hear the real Ratan Tata. We always suspected the reclusive tycoon to be a suave, cool, lady killer when the stiff suit is off. Well, he is. Cannot really blame Ms Radia for drooling on the phone.

Cut to Ms Niira Radia. (Maybe I should change my name to Aniil!). Technically, there’s really nothing wrong with what she’s done. It’s actually incorrect to term her a lobbyist. She’s a power broker in every sense of the word. She represents corporates with a clear mandate to use her networking skills in the media and political circles to influence political decisions. So, she was only doing her job for a fee. So let’s not hang her. Let’s get after people who succumbed to her methods and charms.

And that then brings me to the main point: The role of the journalists. That cannot be forgiven. Because it’s quite clear that nearly forty political journalists (and this includes editors) crossed the Lakshman Rekha of journalistic ethics. We don’t know if they actually took action on the demands made by Ms Radia (no politician will own up… they need these worthies in the future to run their businesses without much fuss). But the conversations reveal something frightening. The intense bonhomie and camaderie they share with a power broker. A broker, who quite obviously, is out to manipulate the political system so that her corporate bosses can benefit.

I have been a journo for some years, and although nowhere in the league of such biggies as Vir Sanghvi and Prabhu Chawla, one thing I learnt pretty early in my career: To keep a safe distance from PR agents, lobbyists and other pushers. In fact, one would duck their calls. And even when we speak, it is always a polite, ‘Hey, can you e-mail me your client’s details?” And no more. Which is why it’s a trifle difficult to buy the theory that the journos were stringing a source, or building a source, or humouring a source. It’s laughable, actually. The day we have to rely on pushers to break news, is the day when we have gone bankrupt of ideas.

As for the journalists themselves, only Vir Sanghvi has decided to discontinue his Sunday column for a while. This is a correct move. When your credibility is being questioned, there’s really no point in continuing. Best to take a break, do some hard soul searching, try and clear your name, and then return afresh. And Barkha Dutt, at least, allowed cross examination of herself. As for the rest of the Johnnies, life goes on as if nothing happened! What they aren’t willing to accept is that the scandal has hit the Indian media’s reputation really hard, and a recent survey indicates that journos are now rated on par with plumbers in terms of credibility. Thank god pimps weren’t listed in the study, they would have scored higher. The ideal thing should be that all the accused journos must quit. For the greater good of the profession.

Finally, a small note on Barkhaji. Because she’s at the center of the storm, and quite expectedly so, since she’s the queen of Indian television news media. I don’t think she’s corrupt at all, but she does get carried away during a crisis, and loses her sense of calm and proportion. We have seen that even during the 26/11 carnage. It is likely that in the excitement to break news, she got excessively pally with the power broker, and now regrets it. What was disappointing to see during her interrogation (no doubt a brave move) is continued arrogance and self-righteousness. When all she had to say was, “Sorry, I messed up this one!”. But let’s not target her alone. The scam puts a whole lot of journalists in the dock.

Net net: Indian media barons must understand that journalism is the last hope of this nation. Everything else is compromised. If people lose faith in the media, there’s really no one left to trust. Hope they understand the gravity of the situation and launch a massive Operation Clean Up.

A problem called Saint Arundhati

Make no mistake about it. Ms Roy writes stupendous literature. Her mastery over the English language, her ability to craft scintillating phrases, is par excellence. I am huge fan of her writing skills. I also fully support her right to freedom of speech, as the rest of us enjoy.

So far so good. Now here’s where things go awry: Ms Roy is a one-book wonder. That one book, which won her the Booker, turned her into an international celebrity overnight. It became her ticket to fame. And we were all proud her. And we wanted more. Of her fine prose. And rivetting fiction.

But that was not to be. Ms Roy forgot all about telling stories, and jumped right into dark realism. And became a self-styled social activist-cum-column writer. Well, okay, nothing wrong with that, we said. If she could bring her skills to the fore to effect social change, what can be better than that?

The real problem began when she suddenly turned into a hardliner leftist, so to speak, and began writing extremely one-sided and immensely militant opinion pieces. Which essentially are one hundred per cent against the State. So in Ms Roy’s opinion, The Great Indian State is a monster that grabs land, rapes poor women, murders innocents and is out to inflict dirty capitalism on the unsuspecting masses. And the opposers to the Sate are all angels. Especially the Naxals, ‘Gandhis with Guns’ in her flowery language. And oh, Kashmir has been usurped through force by the monstrous Indian State, and it must be freed ASAP. (What will become of it after azadi is irrelevant, of course.)

Most of us in India summarily reject her thoughts. Not because what she says is all balderdash… she actually makes very significant points on the damaged democracy called India… but because her views are extreme, biased, jaundiced, and at times, illegal. And too black and white for any sort of credibility. So we enjoy her prose, and shrug at her volcanic tirade against the nation.

But here’s the bigger problem: Because the one-book wonder is the Booker prize winner, we have to drink her regular dose of poison. And pay the price. Her frantic, over the top, one-sided, paranoid rants get happily covered by the global press. And leave behind a totally distorted view of the nation. I was in London recently, and discovered that some locals have begun to equate her with Aung San Suu Kyi. And are convinced Ms Roy has been terrorised by the monstrous Indian State. And that she too should be awarded a Nobel Peace. And granted asylum in the UK with full honours.

In short, Ms Roy has become a larger problem than we all care to think. And with the Mother Teresa-isque image she enjoys globally, under no circumstances can the state act against her, even when she breaks the law repeatedly under the guise of freedom of speech. Because that one act will actually get her international sainthood. Which is probably what she now covets

So, all that India can do is sit back and enjoy her glittering prose. And bear the cross that she has become on our collective necks. There’s nothing we can do about it. I also imagine Ms Roy welcomes it when we trash her. That she revels in the mud slinging. Because that only adds to the cult of angeldom.

Boy, I wish, how I wish, Saint Arundhati returned to penning fiction. We have lost a fine writer. And are stuck with a beautiful hate mongerer.

Should these teachers face a jail term?

I was slightly disconcerted with the pictures of the La Martiniere principal and some other teachers being arrested. Sure, they were later released on bail, but the media pressure on the men is so enormous, it’s clear jail time awaits the masters.

For those who don’t know, the teachers inflicted some caning (and perhaps some other humiliations) on a boy in the school. Unable to handle it, the poor kid went ahead and killed himself. A very tragic situation, and one’s heart goes out to the bereaved family. They must be in trauma.

Now, by no means is one justifying corporal punishment (yes, it’s great that it’s deemed illegal now). But my question is: Is it fair that the school teachers be charged for instigating suicide, and be punished on that account? It is highly unlikely that the punishers either wished for or expected that the child would take his own life. All they did was to break a law… which is to indulge in corporal punishment… and at the most should face some heat on that count. But abetting suicide?? I think that’s over the top.

Here’s why: Almost all of us boys were caned and struck and insulted by our teachers and head masters in the school days. I particularly recall being caned many times over by our school principal, the tough Sir William Dias (may his soul rest in peace, he was a good man!). And it was usually because I was late to school or had forgotten to snip my hair. And many other boys in the school faced a similar fate. But I don’t think any one of us went ahead and slashed our wrists. We used to get annoyed at first, then have a good laugh, and move on. In fact, here’s a funny episode: One fine Monday morning, Sir Dias arrived in our classroom, and he wasn’t in a particularly pleasant mood. And he caned and threw out almost all the boys. Ordering that we must return only after a decent hair cut. And I recall the few of us who were left behind, also pointed out to Sir that we needed a cut too! And got caned and thrown out as well. So about 20 of us lads spent the entire day playing cricket and generally enjoying an unexpected hol! (As the girls were busy mugging away their lessons, hehe!) And no, no one died. And no, neither did we have that hair cut… barber shops used to be shut in Mumbai on Mondays in those days.

Which brings me to the main point of discussion: How can a teacher possibly tell there is an ultra sensitive boy in a school of hundreds? Should not the parents take some responsibility as well, for not being aware of their lad’s fragile temperament? Were they available to the boy when he was feeling traumatised? Had they created an environment in the house which allowed for a hurt child to freely confide in the family? In short, did they play the role of shock absorbers, which all parents are supposed to play for their young children? Some tough questions need to be asked of the parents as well. That would be fairer.

Bottom-line: Yes, one feels sad for the family. Yes, it’s difficult to ask them searching questions in their devastated frame of mind. Yes, it’s a tragic story, so the media gets tempted to get after the ‘villains’. And make sure they go into the slammer.

But, this just isn’t just. Think about it.

Judges as politicians.

While there is a sense of relief that the HC judgment did not lead to a round of street riots (though the calm is a bit uneasy, one must quickly add), some issues need to be considered.

Many eyebrows have been raised over the strange verdict. And quite correctly so. It’s as if going against all tenets of our Constitution, the three judges seem to have arrived at their judgment based more on personal beliefs, subjective views and ‘greater good’ considerations, rather than strictly follow the law. Which is why no one is entirely happy (not necessarily a bad thing!) and all the parties involved are moving to the Supreme Court.

The issue I want to raise is this: I actually endorse what the judges have done. In fact, I quite understand where they are coming from. The large political parties, whose leaders are supposed to play the role of the executive, have shirked away from taking a call on this dicey issue. Simply because they have carved out India between themselves (based on religion/caste/language considerations), and would find it impossible to resolve this issue in a parliamentary debate (which is actually the way national contentious issues need to be resolved).

With the executive having excused itself from doing its job, the judiciary is compelled to step in and do the honours. The judges, after all, don’t need votes from the junta to further their careers. Although this is shameful, as the people who ought to be deciding the nation’s future are the people’s elected representatives, I am happy that the judges have voluntarily agreed to perform that role, as someone’s gotta do the dirty work. In that context, I think we should all be pleased that the judiciary, in this case, exceeded its mandate, and invoked mythology, emotions and peace considerations to judge an issue that in ideal circumstances must purely be judged on legal parameters. That the judges put India first. Rather than the books.

Think about this: Had the High Court judges acted purely as judges, it is very possible that the title of the land would have been wholly awarded to one of the parties. Because whatever evidence you dig up, it is simply untenable to arrive at judgments based on what may have happened 500 years ago. Or earlier. And if the entire land had been awarded to one party, one can be pretty sure that would have resulted in a huge unrest in the nation. And possibly riots and other criminal activities. The one-third formula was announced so that the nation remains at peace. Clearly, the judges have played the role of politicians and arbitrators. In other words, the role that the parliament should be performing.

And therefore, instead of questioning their motives and methodologies, we should actually be applauding them.

Having said the above, two points: One, it is critical that people who demolished the masjid in 1992 are punished. Because that was a criminal act, any which way you look at it. That is paramount if we need real closure on this issue. And once again, if the government is too chicken to take a call on this, the judiciary must take independent, suo moto action.

Two, now that the case has moved to the Supreme Court, one sincerely hopes the judges take another twenty or thirty years to pronounce the final verdict. The reason? All the fossilised leaders (both, political and religious), the dudes who are constantly trying to push India back into the medieval age, would have moved on from this world. (Good riddance, if you ask me.) And a Brand New India, circa 2040 AD, may just want to have nothing to do with Ayodhya. So the judgment can be pronounced without palpable fear on the streets. And maybe, just maybe, we will finally get a hospital at the site. Which is the most ideal way out. Where, instead of 1/3rd mandir, 1/3rd masjid, etc, we get 1/3rd orthopedics, 1/3rd cardiac care, and so on. That is the India the new gen deserves. Surely.

Indian Media in 2020.

(This article is originally carried in the IMPACT mag anniversary edition.)

Print: Survival is the key
Print will survive in India. At least for the next ten years. And the vernacular press, even longer. But many of the recently launched newspapers and mags will continue to bleed, yet most will linger around, hoping for the best.

What the publishers aren’t understanding, or are unwilling to accept, and I have no reason to believe better sense will prevail in 2020, is this: The technology revolution of the recent times will have completely taken the wind out of the sails of print, unless some serious changes are executed in the content, form and style, starting NOW.

Let’s take the tough Mumbai English newspaper market as an example. The Times of India is doing a great job. So far. That it will steadily lose readers amongst the younger segment of the populace is something they will have to come to terms with. And find quick solutions. Right now, it’s far from getting there. The No 1 newspaper is still stuck to the traditional ways. What’s even more intriguing is the attitude of the other newspapers like the HT and the DNA. They continue to play the role of Minnie-me to the Times. Nearly 90% of the news content is the same across all the morning dailies. Even the Page 3 party pics are the same! What are these publishers waiting for? Are they still living in denial about the tech revolution? Do they still see only the TOI as their rival in the coming years? If so, they are on a self-destruct mission. When the TOI loses readers, it will lose them to the Internet and the cell phone, and NOT to rival newspapers. That’s the hard truth.

Logically therefore, as readership plummets, newspaper publishers will face severe times in terms of revenues in the coming years. Yet, due to their obstinacy, they will refuse to re-invent. The question is: What is stopping these people from taking risks and experimenting big? Or, are they not able to read the writing on the wall? What is preventing them from changing the rules of the game? Here’s my theory: One, it’s gotta to do with the proprietors who aren’t visionaries themselves. And are content to live by the day. And two, most of the senior editors are from the old-world school of editing. They are set in their ways of presenting stories, and are refusing to adapt to the challenges of the future. And some of them try floozy tricks like putting out ‘bulletin board’ news on their front pages. This ‘cool invention’ keeps their proprietors happy, but does zilch for the newspaper’s future. Short, crispy stories is not the answer… websites do that job perfectly well, thank you very much.

Ditto with magazines. Almost all of them seem to be stuck in time. Same old gloss, same old boring formats, same old style of cutting stories, same old everything. And when you do see a change, it’s almost always cosmetic.

This lack of vision and revenue pressure will result in some appalling developments. In order to make whatever little money they can, print publications will be forced to carry paid news. Political leaders and business managers will drive their revenue agendas with planted stories. We already got a whiff of that in the last Lok Sabha elections. And at the time, it was mainly the vernac papers and mags that sold out. This will happen with the English press too. Salaries have to be paid, no?

Net net: I think there will be a bloody mess in the newspaper and magazine industry in the next ten years. Unless they totally re-invent themselves, unless the proprietors become brave, take tough decisions (like getting rid of the traditional editors… no chance of that happening), the future looks quite frightening. What I do know is this: I am NOT investing in any shares of print companies. In fact, the few I had, I offloaded enmasse last year.

One favourite optimistic line put out by the old worlders is that print will survive because you can’t take your computer to the potty. Even that theory got busted two years ago. Both my nephews, under 30, merrily crap over tweets.

Ads in print:
The quality of print ads has been dead for a long time, as Piyush Pandey went on to hire his TV-obsessed ‘clones’, and all these heartland guys are now running various agencies. As for the commerce, since ads will run camouflaged as news, why would marketers spend money on real ads? Ergo: Not much hope for print advertising at all! Unless of course the media barons re-invent fast.

Television: Sensational future
Television is gonna rock for the next ten years at least. No question about that. Despite the digital boom. And essentially because the family dinner TV viewing habit of the Indians will not end for the next two generations at least. India already boasts of the highest number of news channels, and more will add to the clutter in the coming years. The reason: every businessman and his granny wants to own a news channel. It’s a new high, a new drug, after coke snorting became infra dig. The ultimate status symbol. It doesn’t matter, of course, if these people don’t understand the news business or journalism at all, that’s a party-pooper discussion.

So let’s discuss the news channels first. While there will be the odd crusading story aka Jessica Lal, the channels will continue to go from blunder to blunder, and learn nothing significant from their journalistic goof-ups. Because of the massive competition in the coming years, news breaks at all costs will be the order of the day, rules of good journalism be damned. And yes, the bhoot-pret stories will continue to rule on the Hindi news channels. If at all, the stories will get increasingly corny. A typical story in 2020: The well of the Lok Sabha is haunted by General Dyer’s bhoot. And that’s what makes our netas lose their shirts, saris and minds out there. Breaking news, that! Enjoy, bugger!

Arnab, Barkha, Rajdeep & the merry gang will roll on with their colourful chat shows. And so will all-season experts like Suhel Seth, Prahlad Kakkar and Pooja Bedi. Being seen every night on TV is a power drug… politicians bow to you, movie stars send out birthday greetings, kids at traffic signals ask for autographs, and first class upgrades at airport check-ins happen without asking. Who would delegate such power and pelf? No chance! The youngsters in the news rooms will continue to be what they are today: nobodies. So the same faces will rule, and by rotation, win the ‘TV journo of the year’ award, right till 2020.

Entertainment channels will bloom too. Perhaps there will be forty odd Hindi GECs vying for your attention each night, with their own versions of family dramas. The current rage of village and mohalla stories will fade out in a few years. And will make way for KJO sort of tales. Don’t be surprised if the top soap in 2020 is about an NRI family settled in Switzerland, and their lives and times. Sex and sleaze levels will go through the roof. The new saas will be seen to be enjoying a ‘Sex and the City’ lifestyle, instead of burning her dear bahu down. Seismic changes in ten years, people!

As the GECs push the sex envelope, the so-called ‘music channels’ (they play everything but music anyways) will get alarmed. So their shows will go berserk in sleaze programming. The 2020 reality gig in these channels will involve simulated ‘wardrobe malfunction’ events on the ramp. Audiences will vote in to decide who dropped more, and that model will be declared the winner.

But the biggest threat to GECs will not really be the internet or other entertainment channels or the sleaze channels. That will come from the Hindi news channels. This is already happening, but I think in 2020, a substantial number of housewives will be found watching rivetting soaps on Star News rather than on Star Plus. In fact, I think Rupert Murdoch will be left questioning the necessity of Star Plus.

Fraud reality shows will go on as well. The next level will involve conducting totally insane things. Adventures like surviving in a house or a jungle will be passé. Singing and dancing competitions will be history. Poisonous cobras will be unleashed into people’s homes (starting with Rakhi Sawant’s apartment), and their horrors recorded. Programming heads will only hire horror story writers. Live exorcism rituals will be another super reality show idea. The Ramsays will make a come-back.

Ads on TV:
Will continue to thrive. In fact, TV will continue to be the ad showcase of the best India has to offer. Not that digital media won’t attract ads. The main reason being that all of the top Indian agency heads are only TV savvy. And they just don’t understand or appreciate the power of the new media. And not one chief creative director is planning to retire in a hurry.

Radio: RIP
Absolutely no future at all for this medium! With the age-old demon of the licensing fee Raj still to be exorcised, and I see very little hope of that happening any time soon, there will be very few private FM stations on air in the next ten years. Many of them are already in the ICU in terms of financial cancer. Which is a good thing, if you ask me. I quit listening to FM Radio many years ago. Ever since the cackling cacklers fashionably called RJs took over the air waves, ever since they starting belting out non-stop asinine gyaan while chatting live with moronic callers. And ever since they proudly began doling out Himmeshbhai’s nasal twang… in short, ever since they stopped playing the effin’ music.

One good thing that happened is that as FM dumbed out and went massy, music downloads from the internet went free and easy. Many of us switched back to the good ol’ CD player in our cars. Now Radio FM in India essentially caters to the lorry, taxi, auto and bus drivers… and servants, tailors, dhobis, plumbers, electricians and maalis… not really a prized target market for advertisers. Okay, am exaggerating a bit. There are enough loaded suckers for this sort of audio trash in our metros… the same dudes who spit out shiny red amrit from their shiny red Honda Citys at the traffic signals. (No wonder one station is called ‘Red FM’.) That ensures some amount of ad revenues for the radio barons. So that’s cool.

But what flummoxes the mind is this: all the FM stations are basically clones of each other, and this makes very little sense. You can switch from one station to the other and will tell no difference at all. The same mindless cackling, the same Himmeshbhai, the same stupid queries from callers… the torture goes on relentlessly. It’s actually the same story as is with rest of the Indian media. Saas-bahu soaps work on TV, and all channels produce clones. Village stories work on TV, and all channels produce clones. Page 3 pics work in newspaper supplements and all dailies produce clones. The same old herd mentality. Not one radio station has tried to introduce seriously off-beat programming. This is the other big reason only those few barons with very deep pockets will survive in 2020. Funny, no? Your survival is dependent on you doing something original, and yet you operate your studio as a photo copy machine centre!

Given the above, the only way forward in the survival path for FM radio in India is for the I&B Ministry to allow the stations to broadcast news. Hard news. That will change the rules of the game, as many of us would be tempted to log in while in the car, Himmeshbhai notwithstanding. That way radio will have the power to beat television news channels at day time, and could result in a rise in listenership numbers, and consequently ad revenues. Of course, even then we’ll hear the same news across all stations (what to do… we are like that only), but at least the interest in the medium will see a revival. God only knows if and when that will happen.

And if it doesn’t, the reverse countdown for the stations has already begun. Passion for the medium can only take the proprietors thus far, as Tariq Ansari of Mid Day might have realised by now. Where passion ends, finance managers take over. A pity, really. To see such a promising, vibrant medium on its way to the graveyard. Mainly because of incompetent, idealess programming heads. And an apathetic government.

PS: Of course, the Vivid Bharati will continue to chug along, churning out high mediocrity, as it has done for all these decades. They won’t shut shop. We pay for their bills, you see. Just as we do for the other dearies called Doordarshan and Air India.

Ads on radio
There will be advertisers wanting to target the paan spitter. So radio should garner some business. But the ads will continue to be as dumb and life-less as ever. That’s because agency creative directors see very little glory in this medium. Twenty years ago, radio scripts were palmed off to the hapless trainee copywriter. It’s still pretty much the same. Piyush Pandey would much rather return to client servicing than write creative for radio. Even if the advertiser is Fevicol.

Digital: Is the future
There are enough tech wizards in this country to give you solid gyaan on this medium. And am sure some of the worthies have done that in these pages. I am pretty tech challenged, and am still unaware of what GPRS stands for. So let me only state the obvious truth: 2020 will see the digital media take over our lives (and this includes smaller towns and villages) in a big way. For those under forty, this will be the medium for shopping, getting news, bill payments, networking, working, entertainment, travel… even locating shady massage parlours. The cell phone, more than the computer, will be THE medium most advertisers will target. Not to speak of the Kindle, the Ipad… and god knows what new high tech gizmos that will arrive into our lives in ten years.

Here’s what I suspect will be my lifestyle in 2020, that’s if I am still alive (the jerks have installed a cancer-spewing cell phone tower atop my residential building): Morning: Check facebook updates, reply to comments, chat with the pals, etc. Check breaking news on the SMS box. Over a cup of tea, read the news and opinion columns on the phone, and select sites and stories that I want to surf. This makes me my own editor-in-chief of news and views (all the high and mighty editors of newspapers and TV channels to please take note… I will NOT need you in my life any more!). On the potty, it’s tweeting time. Or other cool networking sites that would have arrived in the next few years.

Travel to work in the car, listen to music on the phone, pay off some bills, get some work done on e-mail, etc. Then in the evening, on the way back home, finalise place for dinner, make seat reservations, leaf through a best seller, chat on facebook, watch a flick, catch a sports match… all on the phone, of course. You can now extend this diagram and it will work nicely in any activity in life. PS: I may watch a little TV at home in the night… and that too because the family wants to sit together and ‘bond’. Or, if there’s been a terror attack and I want to capture the ‘drama’ on large screen. But that’s about it.

As you would have noticed, there will be very little place for the traditional media in my life. And although I am no Dr Vijay Mallya or Mukesh Ambani, I happen to be the target market for many a consumer products. And the advertisers know how to reach me. Which is why the rest of the media needs to be terribly worried.

The question is, are they worried? Well, not really. As I have discussed elsewhere in this IMPACT anniversary issue, owners of print and TV media are busy going about their routine lives. As if this was 1984. As if nothing much is happening in the digital space. The order of the day is to begin re-inventing like RIGHT NOW. And be prepared before 2020 arrives like a digital tsunami. I think the first step should be to give the marching orders to all the old-thinking, fossilised, have-been editors and programming heads. People who are used to the conservative ways, old dogs who will not learn new tricks. They need to be phased out. And either young, tech-savvy visionary content people get promoted from within the existing staff pool, or the proprietors need to look elsewhere to find the right people. No, this isn’t going to be simple. Editors usually tend to be addicted to power and perks, and won’t give up their kursis very easily. But it has to happen, there is no other option. There’s no point in waking up in 2020, by which time it might be too late.

Ads on Digital media:
The same issues confront marketers and creative directors. Most of them still seem obsessed with TV commercials. Yes, the TVCs will go on, but how many of the agency creatives understand the digital space? Is there enough talent in the industry to take on the medium? Are there enough training programmes being put into place to improve tech knowledge levels? Are the National Creative Directors consciously hiring talent specific to the digital business? I don’t think so. I think the uncles and aunties are still busy hiring clones of each other.

Out of home: Boom time!
“I think that I shall never see,
A billboard lovely as a tree;
Indeed, unless the billboards fall,
I'll never see a tree at all.” - Ogden Nash

Well, Ogden Nash could well have been predicting the Mumbai skyline, come 2020. We won’t see a single tree. If they haven’t been all razed to the ground because of the real estate construction, they most certainly would be to accommodate that yet another horrendous eye-sore called the hoarding.

No, ‘out of home’ isn’t really a content medium, so to speak. Unless you include all those sexy cut-outs of voluptuous babes on certain hoardings. Those sure provide some amount of stickiness (pun unintended!). Or, you could include those giant cut-outs of Mayawati and the Thackerays (mostly illegal), showing you the finger, which makes your day on the way to work. Still, it’s an important medium of the future, in term of advertising.

There are many issues plaguing the hoarding ‘industry’. Well, actually it’s more of a cottage industry right now. Where, as much as 30% of the business is allegedly illegal. And therefore price under-cutting is rampant, contractors charge what they fancy, and of course, there is zero accountability.

And yet, this is one medium that will go on boomingly. And so will the rest of the ‘out of home’ stuff. Hoardings, bill boards, glow signs, bus panels, car stickers, airport kiosks, blah blah… they will all rule. They are of particular use for brands that target localised consumers. And for those that lack the budgets of the mass media. The only threat to the outdoor media could be from the weeping-heart environmentalists. Who, if they have their say, can get a ban ordered on hoardings in the city. Unlikely to happen, that. Too much money in the outdoor media, and as we know, money talks in this nation. And the netas need the medium to sell their faces (it’s free for them.. they just deface what they want, but that’s another story).

For the future, what one should ideally expect are fantastic innovations in this medium. Not just in terms of presentations, but in terms of interactivity and personalisation of messages. The key is going to be customer interface in this space. Again, since I am tech challenged, I can’t predict these innovations, but here’s the sort of stuff you can look forward to. Don’t laugh. You would have laughed if ten years ago I told you a union minister would lose his job because of something floozy called Twitter.

KS Condom vending machines at railway stations: Not only will a sexy girl invite you to make a purchase, she will also help you choose the size… between small and extra, extra large, as she digitally, er, measures you up.

Kingfisher Beer level signage in bar loos: As you get busying peeing, instead of the stupid graffiti you are currently rammed with, a digital meter will tell you exactly how much alcohol is there in your blood, and how much more you can safely consume, depending on your body mass.

Stardust Stripping starlet hoardings: A digital hoarding at Marine Drive will feature Sherlyn Chopra removing her clothes, one by one. Till she’s down to nothing. Of course, this will result in accidents, the MNS will smash some window panes, some PILs will be fired, the CM would promise to take action. And of course nothing will happen. Money WILL talk in outdoor in circa 2020 as well.

Sugar Free Touch screen kiosks at unlimited thali joints: These will tell you what to eat, how much to eat, and most importantly, when to stop eating. Of course, you can show your middle finger to the touch screen.

Maruti 3D billboards at mall parking lots: As in 3D sci-fi movies, a virtual usher will leap out at you, and direct you to a vacant parking slot.

Ritu Kumar Digital translites at boutique shops: These will facilitate payments by just the flash of the credit card. Of course, some joints will clean you out of all your balance, but that’s another story.

Ads in the ‘out of home’ media:
There will be serious pressure on ad agencies to create stunning outdoor campaigns, in keeping with the tech revolution. Once again, like digital creatives, the current crop of tech challenged creative directors will struggle. Net Net: In the last ad industry revolution in 1984, one saw a large migration of Hindi speaking dudes into the ad world. The next big wave will be the mass migration of nerdy techies from the South of India into the ad industry.

Events & PR: Hot, hot, hot!
Strange though it may sound, and I am not joking, but after digital, not television, but PR & Events will be the most promising media vehicles in 2020. That’s where a lot of action and moolah will be. Ten years from now, ad writers won’t be wasting their time writing prints ads (they can’t write them anyways, haha), they will be crafting PR scripts and churning out event plans. Here’s why:

Let’s first look at events. Already, many brands and people (and this includes Bollywood movies, celebrity parties, brand launches and book launches) run events to generate enormous word of mouth publicity for themselves. Events also help build a brand, if done correctly and suitably. In fact, the ad and media events this magazine regularly organises is a good case in point. But it’s the free media blast that events trigger, which is the big turn on.

Which is why, because of the costly mass media rates, we will see events playing a massive publicity role in the years to come. They will feature as a key medium in a media planner’s (read buyer’s… planners are extinct in the media bazaar these days) mix. And Bollywood A-listers will be in an even bigger demand than they already are, as the best way to get media attention is to invite the movie stars over for an event. Even if these beauties have no idea what the event is all about, even if they have no connection with the brand being launched/celebrated, who gives a rat’s arse for such minor details? And if that’s not possible, even Rakhi Sawant and Sherlyn Chopra will be cool items to have around.

So, in 2020, I see an event happening for all sorts of marketing activities. Opening up a paan shop at Lokhandwala Complex? Hold an event! Starting out a new brothel in 1st Pasta Lane? Hold an event! A mochi launching a new outlet at Connaught Place? Hold an event! Buying a new Maruti Alto? Hold an event, bugger! Party regulars will go mad trying to decide which events to grace and which to skip. Tough times ahead for folks like Ashok Salian, Queenie Dhody, Kailash Surendranath and Alyque Padamsee… the party regulars. In fact, I suspect in 2020, a burial or a cremation will also be treated as a major event by some brand managers.

Next: Public Relations. Er, since when did PR become a ‘medium’? Well, it is now a formidable medium, and by 2020, it will be hotter than all the traditional media put together! The reason: again, as the rest of the media gets increasingly costly, marketers will realise the important of free publicity. Why pay for a full page ad in a daily or for a 30 second commercial on TV when you can pay a fixed fee to a PR company, whose pretty staffers will then ensure you get free coverage across the nation? Simple business sense. The only thing one hopes for is that the PR firms evolve with the times too, and start using brains rather than brawn. And go beyond the dull press releases and client ‘entertainment’ tricks. Already, the filmy PR is learning new tricks. Film reporters are often called during issue closing hours with sensational ‘stories’ about the movie or its stars or its directors… all lies basically, but it ensures free coverage. But the PR industry will have to go beyond these juvenile stunts, and become truly professional for a chance to make the most of the impending boom. PR firms that refuse to evolve will fall by the wayside.

Which then brings me to the sad, bad issue of ‘paid news’. The last nail in the coffin of good journalism. Yes, it’s much cheaper and easier than paid ads. Media Net is just a small trailer of things to come. Okay, I shall stick my neck out and make a dire prediction: In 2020, every single media brand’s content will be up for sale. That much faith I have in the current crop of Indian media barons. Jai Hind!

Ads for Events & PR
Ad agency personnel need to roll up their sleeves, and start treating Events & PR as a PRIMARY medium. They will need to come up with deadly strategies and creatives for executing events and engineering PR scandals, if they hope to retain their clients. Balki, Prasoon… start dating the PR chicks from tonight for some inspiration!

My driver’s lunch dabba

A chance conversation with a friend got me curious about my driver’s lunch box. So yesterday I went across to the parking lot at lunch hour, to suss exactly what he eats for lunch. And I was left stunned and depressed at what I saw: Three thin chapattis and one small katori of chutney. That’s it! No sight of any basic veggies, forget richer stuff.

So I asked him the reason for this boring lunch. And what he told me is exactly what one feared was happening: His family has quit buying sabzis for a long time, they can’t afford them anymore. It’s only on a Sunday that they ‘celebrate’ with daal or a veggie. And yes, this deadly diet is also what his little school going kids consume.

One can safely extrapolate from this example, and we would not be wrong to assume millions of lower middle class Indians aren’t eating properly anymore. The ridiculously high prices of veggies has knocked them out of the food chain. Now, poverty and malnutrition isn’t new to India, it has been on since Indra Gandhi’s stupendously failed ‘Garibi Hatao’ joke. Except now, even the lower middle class isn’t able to purchase basic food items, they seem to have been pushed further down into the lowest spectrum of India’s populace.

So then what are we doing? We are busy spawning a whole new malnourished, weak generation in this nation. Kids, who when they grow up, would perhaps be physically and mentally ill-equipped to deal with life. Because even the most basic nutrition is not available to them in their formative years. Because their parents can no longer afford to prepare a decent meal at home.

And while all of this is happening, as the prices of pulses and veggies go beyond the reach of the Congress’s beloved aam aadmi, we are hearing words like The Nuclear Deal. World’s Next Super Power. Economic Giant. Global Leader. World’s Human Resource Capital. Fortune 500 Industry Leaders. And we are blowing up multi-billion dollars on a travesty called the Common Wealth Games, which will regale a few, and has already lined the pockets of the already rich. And while a whole lot of grain lies dead, for rats and other rodents to feed on.

I don’t think Sonia Gandhi and her geriatric boys are aware of what my driver eats for lunch these days. I don’t think they care. But then they must not be surprised when things like Naxalism happen. When crime levels rise. When people resort to violence to be heard. They must not be surprised when one day the mal-nourished Indian junta decides to hit back. With whatever little strength their bodies can conjure up.

Post card from the sky

So this happened on the emergency exit seat of the Kingfisher flight from Bom to Del. Two seats, and another one near the aisle, a fold-back for the airhostess to sit during landing and take off.

I am at the window seat, pretending to be asleep. On my left, a high-flying suit. During take-off, the air-hostess occupies her seat. The conversation between the two went on like this:

He: Hi, I am (can’t mention his name, unfair!). Do you often fly this sector?

She: Yes, sir. I am from Delhi, so this route is good for me.

He: So you are from Delhi! I like Delhi girls, they are all very sweet.

(She faintly smiles.)

He: I am based in Calcutta. But I was at work in Bombay, and am flying to Delhi for a very important high level meet.

She: All the best for that, sir.

He: Oh, that’s okay. No big deal. I am the Vice President of (can’t mention the name of the company, unethical!), so these are routine meetings.

(She smiles. Someone’s mobile goes off, she rushes to check on that, since it’s take-off time, and then returns to the seat, frowning.)

He: Some people never learn! So I was saying, I went to sleep at four in the morning, had a very late night. So I missed the Jet flight in the morning, and had to book this one. I usually fly business class, but my secretary booked me economy on this one due to last minute pressure.

She: That’s very nice, sir.

He: Which hotel do you stay in Delhi? Or will you go home?

She: I will have to stay in the company guest house, since I fly back tomorrow early morning.

He: No hotel? Poor you! Must be because of the recession!

(The flight is airborne now, the seat belt sign is off. She gets up and leaves. All through the flight the suit tries his best to chat me up as well, when I am not ‘sleeping’. I do what I am best at in these situations: give out a bad vibe.)

Next conversation: At landing time. The air hostess is back.

He: Oh, hello again! I was saying I was at this party last night. I ran into some very interesting people. Anurag Basu, Subhash Ghai, Karan Johar… Have you seen Udaan?

She: No, sir. But I hear it’s a nice film.

(At this stage the suit whips out his Blackberry, and quickly opens the images folder. And shows the pics to her. Not realising his phone is supposed to be in the off-mode.)

He: See, here I am drinking wine with Karan. And there, that’s Malaika Arora in the comer…

She: (Glancing at the pics.) That’s nice, sir. You must have had a great time. But you need to switch off your phone, sir…

He: Oh yes yes, just wanted to show you some pics.

(Goes silent for a few seconds.)

He: I was thinking, maybe we can catch up in Delhi…

She: (Smiles.) Yes, we could, Sir.

He: Maybe we can check out that superb new restaurant at Hauz Khas. Manish Tiwari, a great pal of mine, recommended it. I am in a BMW taxi all day… I can pick you up…

(She smiles. She glances in my direction, out of worry perhaps, but I am ‘asleep’.)

She: Sir, let’s see…

He: I was thinking, if you give me your number, I can call you…

She: (Only smiles.)

He: Come on, lady! One drink! Will be fun!

She doesn’t respond. The flight has come to a halt, and she flees from her seat.

Defeated, the suit looks in my direction. I am ‘wide awake’ now. He gives me a sheepish smile. “Hi. You live in Delhi, Sir?’

Why, Viveka, why?

Here’s what I wrote when Nafisa killed herself. While we still don’t know why Viveka did ditto, it’s a good time to visit it again. No, we effers still aren’t worth it.
(Click on the images to enlarge.)

Why must we care about these people?

Here’s what surprises me about the Mukesh/Anil saga: wonder why their story hasn’t been turned into a TV soap as yet. It’s got all the ingredients that can keep the nation hooked for weeks, months, even years together. Business rivalries, stock manipulations, political machinations, raw ambitions and naked greed, family fall-out, court cases, serious bad blood and most importantly… kitchen politics.

Ah, kitchen politics. I have always believed (and I recall writing about this five years ago in Sunday Mid Day), the seed of the break-up was actually planted in the Sea Wind rasoi ghar. Abominable though it may sound, I deeply suspect the chain was triggered by a clash between Nitaben and Tinaben. Hard to prove, but quite plausible. We mustn’t forget the massive egos at play out here… Anil is only two years younger to his bro, and just for that reason alone, he would be loathe to playing second fiddle all this life. Something no man, or more significantly, a wife would digest.

But here’s the important question: Why must we care about the Ambani feud? How does a private family break-up affect us? (The Ambanis are, after all, self-serving businessmen, like all businessmen are, and couldn’t care if the rest of us lived or died.) Well, unless you are a shareholder in their companies, you shouldn’t care. 99% of the nation has nothing to do with the brothers directly. And yet, we seem very interested in their lives. Why so? The obvious answer is because they are very rich and very famous, and therefore evoke interest among the masses. Sure, that’s a good enough reason. But I think it’s deeper than that.

I think it’s gotta do with the fact that we Indians are deeply emotional people. We believe in family, or at least want to believe, and we don’t like the idea of brothers fighting. Which is why the conflict between Arjun and Karan of Mahabharata saddens our collective hearts. Which is why countless hit Hindi films have been made about brothers itching to die for one another. We want families to stay together and be happy. We want happy endings. Period.

I think more than anything else, the recent thawing of the Ambani’s icy-cold relationship makes us happy on that level. We are the Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Ghum people. Irrational, but so be it. Not financial, it’s emotional, and that’s what defines us.

Anyway, to go back to the kitchen, I suspect the best bet for the brothers to totally resolve their issues and even operate together is for the two bahus to kiss and make up. That’s where it all began. And no, nothing will please us more than a phull phamily photograph.

Total desi soap opera.

BJP’s downfall is our downfall.

A few points to consider as the UPA Part 2 completes one year in power. They actually did not win last year. The BJP and its allies lost. Make no mistake about that. Had the opposition party been strong and in some degree of good health, am quite certain Sonia’s government would have been shown the door by the voters. This was the situation last year: Terror on the rise, Naxal activities on the rise, prices on the rise, corruption on the rise, and rank bad governance by the Congress-led state governments (particularly in Maharashtra, which has been the most shoddily ruled state of all times). And things continue to be in limbo.

Sadly, the BJP was in tatters. Horrible leadership. Juvenile election tricks. Divisive agendas. Rabid infighting. Confused ideology. Uncharismatic netas. Whatever the Indian voter might be, one thing she is not: stupid. No one in their right minds would vote for such a messed-up party. To compound matters for the BJP, even its allies were either busy defecting or were in shambles themselves. (The Shiv Sena, for example, has been on the path of self-destruction for some time now. And is on its last leg.)

Ergo, we voted the UPA back in only because of the curse of TINA (no, not the Ambani bahu). There Was No Alternative. And what’s worse is that a year down the line the BJP is still confused about its ideology, there is no clear leadership, and their new portly leader, Shri Gadkari, is going from one goof up to another. From one perplexing statement to another. Already, there’s news of power struggle amongst the younger BJP leaders.

And the Congress leaders know all this. Damn well. They know they have no competition. They know their best bet is to do nothing. That itself will ensure they keep getting re-elected. Anyone who watched the PM’s presser (and managed to stay awake) can figure Dr Singh is basically chilling, warming the kursi for the Gandhi scion.

Which brings me to the point: I feel sad that the BJP is on life-support. Mind you, I have no love lost for that party, and I singularly hold Advani responsible for all the riots and terror of the last two decades… that man has been a shraap on this nation. But equally, it’s critical that this nation has a powerful opposition, so that the Congress and its allies don’t take a billion Indians for granted. Only a threatening opposition will force the government to take risky decisions, to do SOME work. To cut corruption, and come out with fresh solutions to the many problems we face. And just for that, I wish the BJP well. I wish they get their act together. Else, we can be sure of another decade of non-action and mis-rule.

Think of those days when there was only one phone supplier. Only one scooter maker. Only one car maker. Only one airline. We consumers used to be treated like dirt, spoken to rudely, and taken for granted. While the nation has moved on from there in leaps and bounds, as for politics, we find ourselves in the same monopolistic situation. Sad.

Get well soon, BJP. You owe it to the nation.

Introducing, BOW Awards 2009

(This article was originally carried in IMPACT mag.)

By Anil Thakraney

It’s that time of the year. When the best of best (hopefully!) ads will get honoured in sunny Goa. So this time, we decided some of the lemons must also find their rightful place in the sun. After all, they too worked really hard. To create the most banal, the most irritating, the most sadela pieces of work.

Take a BOW, people. For the winners of the ‘Best Of Worst’ Indian advertising, 2009.

PS: There were a million other silly ads not even worth considering. So that should make the winners just a wee bit proud. At least they got noticed!)


1. The ‘Rubber Duck’ Award of the Year: rediff.com

The commercial features a man in his bathtub, as his rubber duck comes alive and gets crooning. Mr Bath Tub tries to capture this great spectacle on his handy cam, when his newspaper turns into a paper dog, while his handy cam starts singing as well. This is followed by even more bizarre stuff. 'Just your stuff', announces the super. Dull, dull, dull. And very painful to watch. Surely the most ducked commercial of the year.


2. The ‘Zero Chemistry’ Award of the Year: Reebok Hexride

The most thoughtless casting of the year. Reebok Hexride roped in brand ambassadors Dhoni and Bipasha Basu. Maahi looked lost and Bips looked hot.

The commercial features a long sequence of the two racing across the streets, attempting to outwit each other. Because Dhoni isn’t able to emote at all, the interaction between the two goes for a toss. Poor Bips. She can’t pull off a movie on her own steam, how could she do that with an advert. Suddenly John Abraham felt like an Oscar winner.


3. The ‘Navel Gazer’ Award of the Year: Tata DOCOMO

Tata DOCOMO’s ‘Friendship Express’ commercial was downright infuriating in its narcissism. The TV commercial features people from different nationalities on a train, complete strangers joining in to recite Tata DOCOMO’s totally rubbish, ear-ache inducing jingle. Wish the Naxals had hi-jacked that damned train.


4. The ‘High Flatulence’ Award of the Year: IDEA

IDEA unleashed ‘Walk & Talk’ as a part of its social causes based campaign. Basically the idea was to encourage people to walk for fitness. An April Fool’s joke. Especially so when you consider that people anyway tend to walk around while using their cell phones, the signal being eternally weak. Thank god no one took the idea seriously, else many fatalities would have occurred as folks yapped away while walking the bustling city roads.


5. The ‘Twisted Creative’ Award of the Year: Bajaj XCD 135

This one features two crazy sisters involved in a deadly karate fight, in an attempt to finish each other, as we later discovered they were trying to decide who would sit on the ‘one billion’ pillion seat. The twisted sisters made sure this was one of the most juvenile and disjointed ads of last year.


6. The ‘Untimely Death’ Award of the Year: Onida

The killing of the devil made national news, and the subject was heatedly debated on prime time television. And the new campaign for the assorted Onida durables featured a couple called Siddharth and Ritu, and it had the duo exchanging some maha silly banter with each other. No idea, no memory hook, no nothing. Resulting in what can easily be called the most horrendous advertising of last year. The devil must be guffawing in hell.


7. The ‘Dark Ages’ Award of the Year: EBay

EBay released a series of black and white commercials, and the appalling creative strategy was to revive the dark old days of Doordarshan. And so the anchors hired were Messers Fossils, Dr Narrotam Puri and Komal GB Singh, both from DD’s rotting archives. Completely ludicrous advertising, completely irrelevant, and worse, it was not even funny. DD must be happy, though.


8. The ‘Tapori Award’ of the Year: Montblanc


Montblanc positioned the pen as a proud legacy that gets passed down from gen to gen. Fair enough. But they needed a sophisticated actor like Bachchan to pull the story off. Instead, they settled for the ‘poor man’s Bachchan’. Didn’t work. Slumdog Anil Kapoor essayed tapori character roles pretty much all his acting life. He’s as far removed from literature, class and pedigree as are Shakti Kapoor and Rakhi Sawant. Ekdum dhaasu pen ka vaat lagaa dala!


9. The ‘Titanic Disaster’ Award of the Year: Nirma

Desperate makers of Nirma dived underwater for some inspiration. And they floated in mermaids into our lives. As they frolicked underwater, to the beat of lilting operatic music. Good show. But too much of a creative leap for a down-market brand. Only a day earlier, desi chicks called Rekha, Jaya and Sushma were promising us ‘dhoodh si safedi’. Predictably, the mermaids drowned before the year was out.


10. The ‘Get Chicks Free’ Award of the Year: Xylo

More thakela suits and equally more thakeli pretty women. The Mahindra Xylo boasts of some cool plusses. Foldable flight trays, walk-through aisles, flatbed seats, individual reading lamps, digital drive assist system, etc. And what did the commercial highlight? Hard partying duds and tight close ups of tits, legs and arses of bimbettes. All grooving to the eighties track, ‘Have the time of your life!’ Either the Mahindra Xylo managers were utterly confused about their target audience. Or had a very poor opinion of India’s corporate honchos.


11. The ‘Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde’ Award of the Year: Maruti SX4

Makers of the so-called ‘man’s car’, Maruti SX4. decided to tell us who the asli mard was in their judgment. A pucca gentleman otherwise, but the moment he lays his hands on the car’s steering wheel, the fellow morphs into a raging beast. The TVC features a suit behaving pretty decently in public places. But once he gets inside the SX4, the dude lets loose all hell on the road. They should have cast Mr Alistair Pereira in the advert. Neighbours said the chap is basically a nice guy.


12. The ‘Eoooooooow!’ Award of the Year: Nerolac Excel Total

An interesting metaphor was used by Nerolac Excel Total to communicate durability of its paint. They used make-up peeling off a woman’s face to make the point. The TVC stars a boisterous behenji named ‘Papdi Priya’. Overtly decked-up with layers of make-up, she is seen frightening the hell out of everyone on the streets, as her make-up gradually peels off. A totally creepy commercial. Papdi Priya looked like a victim in a B-grade Hollywood horror flick. Almost like Freddy Krueger did his number on her face. Brrrr…

Hold the party yet!

So people are happy that come May, we’ll see a closure on young Qasab. The honourable judge will first convict him, then pass a death sentence (he has no choice!) and that’s that.

Well, things aren’t that hunky dory. After the sentencing, young Qasab has the option to appeal against the judgment in higher courts. That will take a few more months to sort out. Sure, the honourable judges will eventually uphold the sentencing (they have no choice!), but even that will not ensure closure.

Then, young Qasab has the option to file a mercy plea application with the President of India. Mrs Pratibha Patil will immediately do what ALL Indian Rashtrapatis do: Sit on the application, and get busy cutting ribbons at assorted shindigs across the nation. And hold High Tea Parties for the celebrities. And that file of Ms Patil is full-up already. There is a long list of mercy petitions collecting dust within. So young Qasab will be in a long queue. And in India, that’s the ONLY queue that people don’t jump.

Of course, due to the media pressure she could fast-track young Qasab to the gallows, but that will be an entirely controversial thing to do. Other sentenced terrorists, who are already in queue, will have every reason to feel short-changed. Their crimes weren’t any lesser.

So it may take a loooong time before the hangman is called in. (Meanwhile the dude can switch on his Havells CFL bulb to pre-atone for his impending sin.)

And yup, even after all this, after young Qasab hangs by his neck, will that be closure at all? For the victims? Not really. His masters, the brains behind 26/11, are busy having a blast (intended) in Pakistan. So what joy in killing a brainwashed, penury-driven, uneducated foot soldier?

Yeah, hold the party yet.

Let’s get after the damned RTOs.

I drive a lot. In the city (when my driver is absconding), and down the countryside (which is a passion, the driver gets paid leave). I have done many long journeys, the most memorable one being Delhi to Bangalore… totally awesome, Outlook featured that yatra, here’s the link: http://www.outlookindia.com/article.aspx?226162
And I have come to a clear conclusion, having encountered lakhs of vehicles on Indian roads: Drivers in India, a good number of them, do not know how to drive. Not only is there no respect for the laws, I am quite sure in many cases people don’t even know the laws! Not even basic rules.

There is a general belief that the main reason for road accidents is driving under influence. Quite certainly alcohol plays a role. (It’s a different matter though that I drive better after a couple of pegs… it de-stresses me… and I must have been a lorry driver in my previous birth, but this is not something I recommend to others.) So there is a massive campaign on against drunk driving in the cities, and that’s a good thing. It’s another story, of course, that the rich get away easy, and that there are no checks on the highways, but that’s not my topic today.

The issue is this: Yet, accidents continue to occur, even when people aren’t sloshed. So why must this be the case? The answer is quite simple: we people DON”T KNOW how to drive safely. And as in all other evils in the nation, the root cause is corruption. Our RTOs (with the help of their pimps), literally give away licenses to kill. These guys distribute licenses like channa watana.

Before I go any further, here’s a confession. Years ago, I too obtained my driving license through devious means. I had gone for a test to the Tardeo RTO in Bombay. I flunked the test, khilaoed 200 rupees, and was cheerfully granted a license. And then what did I do? The very next evening I ran my car into a labourer, but thankfully she got away with very minor injuries. (And yes, I did take her to the hospital, and no, I wasn’t drunk or drugged, just in case you’re wondering.) As usual, I pretended ‘losing control’ of my vehicle. And was back in action soon thereafter! So yes, I am guilty as well of this dirty business.

Net: Our RTOs are essentially doling out death. In no other nation (except Pak and Bangladesh… surely we aren’t in the same league!) can one get a driving license this easily. So what’s the way out of this mess? Only one: the media needs to run a sustained, lasting campaign against the nation’s RTOs. Not the sort they do with the usual stories… milk the masala, suck it dry and then chuck it. It has to be dealt with in the way a Jessica Lal murder case got dealt with. Continuous pressure and hammering till the RTOs get cleaned out. The tests become very strict and the process becomes ghoos-free. And only the truly deserving people get licensed to drive.

Frankly, I can’t think of another way out of this mess. Hope the mass media journos are reading in. With some effort, we can save many lives.

My Ayer was special

Everyone is well aware of Mr Ayer’s great qualities as a top leader. Let me therefore relate two incidents to bring out the humour and compassion the tough exterior packed in.

On my first day at OBM, where I joined as a nervy, shaky, trainee account exec, I was assigned to work under Chris Bhang (who was an account supervisor at the time). Being a tea addict, when I asked Chris what number to dial on the intercom for pantry service, he matter-of-factly said. “333”. (Chris, you dog!) So I promptly dialled and demanded, “Bhidu, Anil Thakraney bol rahaa hoon, ek chai milega?” I heard some heavy breathing on the other end, and then a fearful nasal twang, “This is Mani Ayer speaking.” I dropped the phone as one would a deadly cobra, fled out of the office building, downed three cigarettes in a row, and contemplated my next career option. (Chris, you dog!!) Anyway, the same noon Mr Ayer walked past in the corridor, and even as I tried to slink away, he caught hold of me, laughed loudly, and ordered the pantry fellows to serve me tea. Don’t think I had chai at OBM for one month thereafter. (Chris, you dog, stop giggling!)

On another occasion, I had to present some Titan Watches ads to Mr Ayer. His secretary, Phil, sweetly informed that boss was out on a meeting the entire day. Assuming he was held up in some corporate shindig, I shrugged and moved on. It was only on the next day we found Mr Ayer had spent the entire day at the funeral service of a peon who had passed away of old age. Not just that, he spent hours with the family comforting them long after the funeral was done. I simply can’t think of another Chairman giving such personal attention for a peon. Most top men would delegate ‘chores’ such as these. But Mr Ayer was a special man. A special boss. A special soul.

In the recent past, Mr Ayer would now and then react to my blogposts, and leave insightful comments. Here’s what he wrote on my post, last year, concerning the general apathy of the state government each time the Thackerays hold the city to ransom. Should give you an idea of how sharp and agile his mind was till his final days.

“Dear Anil, I read your 'Conspiracy of Silence'. Yes, we have a destructive monster staring at us, and the party in power seems to be the only one that seems oblivious to it. Else people like Shivraj Patil, Vilasrao Deshmukh, Ahmad Patel, etc, would by now have been turfed out. Even Bombay's Girni Kamgar Union wouldn’t tolerate such incompetence! Regrettably, all the problems we face are due to the Congress and one particular individual - Indira Gandhi. The Shiv Sena was nurtured during her regime to keep the Communists out (don’t forget she was solely instrumental in kicking out, by 'sleight of hand', the first Left government in Kerala… she hated Krishna Menon, a man with left leanings and thought he was instrumental in ending her father's charisma and stood for elections against a Congress candidate in North Bombay). So in comes Bal Thackeray to do 'seva' for madam, and the list is endless.
Sometime in the early 80s, there was a cartoon that showed two scrolls of honour: One said, 'Mahatma Gandhi's men: Pandit Nehru, Vallabhai Patel, C. Rajagopalachari.’ The other said: ‘Indira Gandhi's men: Antulay, Gundu Rao, Bhajan Lal.’
And if this was to be extended to the 2000's, it would perhaps say: ‘Sonia Gandhi's men: Shivraj Patil, Arjun Singh, Vilasrao Deshmukh.’ That’s progress for our Bharat Mahan!
Unfortunately, Indira Gandhi has so firmly established a political culture that suits every political party including the Left. Symptoms: money politics, rented crowds, dynasties and manipulation. Why won’t the MNS suit this environment?
The answer lies in the Congress being kicked out and staying out of power for a long time which forces them to rebuild without any traces of the current culture-dynasty, cronies, etc. The last time they were out of power was too short (eight years only). Or we should have something like the set-up in Kerala - two fronts with differing philosophies and some similarities. And they get kicked out if they fail to perform. In this format the regional types like the MNS are marginalised (see the plight of the so called Keral Congress or The Muslim League).
Anyway, good luck with your mission. Mani Ayer.”

Rest in peace, dear Sir. You were a truly special man.

(This article was originally written for IMPACT mag.)

Mullicksaab must be smiling...

I had the great fortune of having worked closely with Suresh Mullick when I was a lowly account executive at OBM (now O&M). He used to write press ads for Titan Watches himself, and my key result area was to make sure the artworks (that was the format used in those days) reached the client in Bangalore in time. Despite being essentially an unglorified courier boy at the time, this close proximity to Mullick told me a lot about the man. Apart from being a solid creative mind, he was funny, easy-going, kind and a very generous soul. Which is why if he were alive today, he’d probably give a rat’s arse for not being given credit for the new Phir Mile Sur film. Not just because he was above all these small-minded things, but also because the sequel is a complete disaster.

However, since he’s not around, it becomes our responsibility (those who worked with him) to set the record straight on the Mile Sur controversy. Mile Sur was ENTIRELY Mullick’s idea, passion, conceptualisation and execution. It was his baby all the way. However, any creative director needs a filmmaker to shoot a TV production, and that was the role played by Kailash Surendranath. It’s possible he made value additions along the way (ad filmmakers are supposed to!), but make no mistake about it: Mile Sur had Suresh Mullick stamped on every frame. In fact, the last crowd shot in the original film consisted of OBM staffers, bus loaded to the Film City!

In this context, it’s both shocking and unfair that the new Phir Mile Sur film ‘forgets’ to mention Mullick. The correct thing, at the very least, ought to have been this: the last shot in the film should clearly have read: “Mile Sur was originally created by the late Suresh Mullick”. But that did not happen.

So then why was this obviously ethical thing not done? No idea. Personally, I would not blame the channel or the sponsors, though they should have considered the issues of proprietary. I think it was incumbent on filmmaker Kailash Surendranath to have ensured this happened. Because he had shot the earlier film, working closely with Mullick, so there’s no way he isn’t aware this was Mullick’s brainchild.

Grapevine suggests Kailash is a bit miffed at not having been given adequate credit for the original version. If this is true, he ought to have raised his voice then. And not found a way to make ‘amends’ years later. As they say in the ad world, a great idea has many fathers...

Anyways, apparently the channel has promised Exchange4Media they will take corrective action, so that’s that then. But here’s the bottom-line: Had he been alive, Mullicksaab would himself have guffawed away this controversy, and would probably have invited Kailash over for some strong beer at the Bombay Gym. And given him some rocking feedback on the sequel, in his inimitable way. Truly talented people are above these petty things.

PS: Isn’t it ironical that this ‘credit’ tamasha should have happened over a film that encourages people to bond and integrate? Life’s a bitch, man.

(This article was originally carried in IMPACT mag.)

That evening, I almost killed myself

Here’s my fifth standard report card. Check out the phenomenally poor marks and the hurtful comments from teachers. That evening, as I was walking back home, I was convinced of being a hopeless loser, that I had badly let my parents down, and that I must simply kill myself. And as fate would have it, when I returned home, they were showing the film ‘Anand’ on Doordarshan, which I sat and watched. And got even more depressed.

Just then my dad returned from work, and asked me why I was looking so glum. Anyways having given up on life (so what further harm could dad’s pasting do??), I showed him this report card. And his reaction was shocking! He patted me on the back, gave me some money, and said, “Don’t worry beta, all’s not lost. Just keep working at it and am sure things will improve. And even if they don’t, not to worry, I am always there for you. Now go and buy your friends some ice cream and have fun. Just take the evening off and don’t think about it for now.”

That totally unexpected reaction from my dad knocked my socks off, it changed my life. Instead of feeling depressed, I began to feel a sense of self-confidence, a fierce determination to work harder. The next day I asked my dad to get me a private tutor, which he did. And I used that tutor to teach me just one thing: how I could memorise my study material. That the tutor did happily, and he taught me tricks on blindly ratofying my syllabus.

And here’s what happened: I began to mug every subject, without even attempting to understand the matter, and lo and behold! From the sixth standard onward I was amongst the top six rankers, year on year. What this tells us about our education system is just one thing: IT SUCKS! The entire exercise is designed to guage your parroting skills, and that’s it. The teachers gave a rat’s arse whether we really comprehended the subjects. But that’s not the topic of my discussion.

What I want to say is this: That evening if my dad had spanked me, put me under pressure, and said I would never make it in life, I would surely have been dead.

Here’s the deal: I think it’s absolutely silly to blame movies, television programmes, teachers, social pressures and the like for child suicides. At best they can add on to a child’s frustrations, but are never the root cause. The key issue is and has always been: bad parenting. I think parents are mainly responsible when kids take their own lives. I know of parents who put immense emotional pressure: “I have always dreamed of a doctor in our family, my hopes are pinned on you, son.” “You will become a clerk and rot your whole life if you don’t get admission into that MBA school.” “Look at Sharma’s daughter, she’s so smart and talented. Learn something from her, you fool!” And so on. In fact, here’s a great example: We were once shooting an ad film at the Film City. One lad had been chosen to play a minor role in that advert. Now, the poor thing got nervy, and just wouldn’t deliver. The boy’s mom grabbed the child and beat him mercilessly, fearing that her son would lose this assignment. And this made matters even worse. Anyway, the director asked for the mother to be thrown out of the sets, and he himself handled the child. By telling him silly jokes and bantering with him, he could get the boy into a cheerful mood and the film was shot. And yet, as soon as the mom arrived, she again began tormenting the poor kid!

Unfortunately, after the child dies, none of this comes to light. One, because the last thing cops would want to do is harass grieving parents. And two, even if they did, this sort of stuff is impossible to prove. And so, the tragedy keeps happening.

All those middle-class parents reading this, please take note: Quite often, unwittingly, it’s possible you are driving your child to breakpoint. By loading them with unreal expectations, or by hoping that they would one day realise your own unrealised dreams. Or by simply worrying about their future, not understanding that often some kids bloom late in life. Or find their calling late in life.

Now, admittedly, neither am I a child psychologist nor a parent. However, I did want to share my dad’s attitude in the face of a very poor report card of his son. Maybe we can all learn something from that. My dad is no more, but this one lesson he taught me, will stay with me for life.

And yeah, go ahead and snigger at my report card. I am doing ditto!! Haha.