Scamistan to Goonistan?

A few years ago we used to get knocked every other day by stories of mega scams, all planned and executed at the highest levels of politics and business. Inspired, some of us began fondly addressing our nation as Scamistan (gosh, hope that ain’t seditious!). Frustrated, a whole lot of Indians, taken in by the promise of ‘Swachh Bharat’, voted a brand new government into power. And to its credit, financial scam stories no longer accompany our morning cuppa, at least not those involving top politicians. Down the line, especially when it comes to the bureaucracy, corruption rages on as usual, and we have learned to live and deal with it.

However, we now get whammed by stories of criminal assaults. And rabid intolerance. An old man gets lynched in his house only because someone suspected he enjoys beef for dinner. Elsewhere rationalists are being murdered in cold blood. Free thinking students are being rounded up and sent to jail. And justice isn’t being delivered by judges, it is being dished out by lawyers that hang out in the court premises. Jats don’t get reservations in colleges and jobs? well, they get it by unleashing terror on the streets, while raping a woman or two as part of the fun. Just the other day a Shiv Sena lout beat up a female traffic cop in Thane. Her crime? She did not approve of his driving while kwacking on the cell. And it goes on.

It’s not that violence wasn’t happening before, it’s just that a section of this population seems to have got further emboldened to let their fists talk, mainly because the government seems to be going soft on these goons, or at least that’s the perception. Apart from his love for foreign travel, no one can say for sure exactly what goes on inside the mind of the PM, he doesn’t talk to us on important issues. One thing is for sure, though. Events of the last two years indicate it definitely isn’t ‘Sabka Saath, Sabka Vikas’. It seems more like ‘Kuchhka Saath, Kuchhka Vinash’.

The good news is the international press is having a field day covering stories of fisticuff explosion in this country, and this flies in the face of the ‘Make in India’ campaign. Hopefully this will awaken the current dispensation, in any case mota bhai cares only about what the goras and the NRIs think of him.

National vs anti national

The increasing polarization has led to an inevitable fall-out: Debate on patriotism and gaddari. Every other day you hear guests inside TV studios try to heckle one another by shrieking ‘My nationalism is bigger than yours’. And it’s always a shriek, civilized debate is an alien concept to Indian news studios. As a result the definition of nationalism and sedition is being wildly stretched. It’s gotten so bad, some people have begun to wonder if they can criticize the PM’s suit/boot without risking jail time.

I have always believed we have a warped idea of patriotism. Going after patrons who refuse to leave the comfort of the multiplex seat while the anthem is screened, and then going home to deliver a tight slap to missus for serving cold food. Is that being patriotic? Singing desh bakhti songs on the morning of Pandra Agast, and then pissing on the streets after a late night out with buddies. Is that being patriotic? Furiously cheering the cricket team, and then chucking empty water bottles on the ground when the boys lose. Is that being patriotic?

If we really want to measure our love for the nation, here’s what the government should do: Make payment of income tax completely voluntary. No punishment if you don’t pay. My hunch is 99.99% Indians who fall in the tax bracket won’t pay their due taxes. And the rest 0.01% that do so will be dissed by their families and ridiculed by their friends.

So much for nationalism.

Sanju baba’s new life

There has been talk of favourable treatment being meted to Dutt, and it’s not without basis. However, let’s just accept this: Bhai served his time in jail, the full sentence as ordered by the SC. He used his legal and financial muscle to enjoy all the benefits available to him: Paroles, furloughs, early release and so on. All within the boundaries of the Indian law. And there’s nothing wrong with that, we would do the same in his place. It also could not be proved in court that he was directly involved in terrorism. Perhaps the prosecution failed on that score, but that’s not Dutt’s problem. Many powerful netas who have communally divided this nation and caused the murders and rapes of thousands of citizens never went to jail for a second. I think we should respect the fact that Dutt’s done his due time. And that he deserves a new, blemish-free life.

Only hope: He is now genuinely a changed man.

Deadly Headley

So then Davidbhai, correction, Dawoodbhai, has appeared on a giant screen in our courtroom. Cool. And exactly what is he doing? Well, confirming the nefarious designs of our friendly neighbour, designs that we are already well aware of. Apart from ‘revealing’ young Ishrat Jahan’s credentials, he hasn’t shared anything sensationally new. Also, Dawoodbhai is a hardened terrorist who has entered into a plea bargain with a US court to escape the death sentence. So we can never be sure of any of his utterances. Perhaps he’s busy gassing about stuff, perhaps he’s singing the truth. Point is: We don’t know, therefore the television drama has zero value.

So then what next? Well, it’s certain the Indian government will dispatch a fresh set of dossiers to the Pak government. I have always wondered how these dossiers are sent out. Snail mail? Email? WhatsApp? Knowing the way governments operate, guess it’s snail. And exactly how does Pak treat these dossiers? Again, I would suppose they do what most good governments do to inconvenient files: Dump them inside a dusty storage room.

In other words, nothing will change. Except that we can look forward to another attack. Why am I so sure? Let me explain this situation in another way. A cardiologist can only tell you where the blockage lies inside the heart. You can visit him or her any number of times, you can visit any number of cardiologists, you can run any number of tests. That will not remove the blockage, it will stay in your heart, making your life miserable. To deal with that, you need to move to the next level: Meet a heart surgeon. He or she will open up your heart and solve your problem.

As far as our Pakistan strategy is concerned, we are still doing the rounds of cardios, we are still doing ECGs on different machines. And we are still dishing out reports, You get the point.

The Facebook ‘Unlike’

I am no tech geek, but common sense tells me that by killing Facebook’s Free Basics, the government, under pressure from the so-called net neutrality champions, may have killed a golden chance for the poor in India to access the internet. Currently, you have to pay a couple of hundred bucks if you want internet to function on your phone, and this denies the less privileged access.

If Facebook was allowed to operate its plan, the poor would have been compelled to only visit the sites Zuckerberg wanted them to, but what’s really wrong with that? Isn’t some access better than nothing? At the very least, Free Basics would have enabled the net ignorant to get a taste of the digital space, a free trial, so to speak. And with time and prosperity, and having tasted blood, these millions of people would have dumped the free subscription and graduated to full paid access.
 
The unfairness of it all is that a few upper and middle class wallahs have made sure the poor continue to be
deprived of access to the net. And this was done without even taking their opinion! If this is not elitism, what
is?

Breathe in India

As I write this post, ‘Make in India’ week has begun in Mumbai. ‘VIPs’ are flying in from across the world, and of course, a shiny image of the city will be projected to them. No one will tell them that right inside the heart of the city lies a dump yard that no one cares about or bothers to maintain. And that this dump yard routinely spews poison into the air, choking the lungs of residents who live nearby.

  

My thing is: Sure, we’ll make in India. But can we Breathe in India, first? Please? In case you missed it, here’s the link to the blog I wrote for NDTV last week:

Click here.

(Image courtesy: Phawker.com)

Get netas out of education

The entire week has gone by with the media fretting over the unfortunate suicide of the Dalit student in Hyderabad. And of course, next week he will be confined to the dustbin of history, and nothing will change. That in fact is a more depressing thought than the suicide itself.

Even as we witness the usual blame game natak, we have to ask ourselves why these tragedies happen. At the heart of the problem is the involvement of politics in education. And politicians, through the various student unions, will do what they are best at: Divide and rule. And so, as always, one caste is being pitted against another. While it’s sad that this happens at all, it’s becomes criminal when this divisive crap seeps into the lives of young students, this nation’s future. 

There were no politicians meddling in the running of the business management school I passed out from years ago. As is common practice, there were a few students who had been admitted through the reserved quota. And the rest of us had a fair idea who these students were, simply because they lagged behind in class in almost all subjects, and were generally not of the same competency level. But I remember clearly no one discriminated against them in any form, in fact they were encouraged and helped in doing better at school, without anyone being condescending toward them. Today they are all doing well for themselves. All this happened because there was no neta sitting in the next office trying to cut us apart, or a union trying to disrupt the general bonhomie. 

Incidentally, there was this dreadful subject called ‘Econometrics’. In which I stood last in class, and the only way I was able to save my life from this monster was to sign up with an expensive private tutor. And all these years later I am still trying to figure how cos, beta, theta and sigma can help anyone in any business, or in any field of life for that matter. Will the bitchy colleague at workplace stop back stabbing if I threw theta at him? Will Reliance drop their power rates if I discussed gamma with them? Will the street tapori stop molesting girls if they sold sigma to him? Anyway, I digress.

RIP, Rohith.

Kalanick got a smooth ride

Travis Kalanick, Uber’s big chief, was here, and unfortunately I did not get an opportunity to dig my claws into him. Those journalists that did, blew it by sticking to irrelevant global questions. No one asked why in India drivers are being commissioned without adequate checks. And the problem isn’t just about security, it’s more to do with lack of knowledge. Whichever part of India you live in, there is a fifty per cent chance you will run into an Uber driver who is blissfully clueless about locations, has no idea how the damned GPS works, leaving you with the job of having to find your way. And if you happen to be new in the city, god help you.  

I once hired an Uber driver in Mumbai who didn’t know where Cuffe Parade is. And the word ‘Colaba’ sounded Greek to him. That evening I badly wanted to wring Kalanick’s neck. The officer escaped me on this occasion, next time he won’t.

And of course I would have said a thing or two to him about the bloody ‘surge’ pricing, a feature designed to fleece you. Uber needs to keep a lid on such dodgy practices if they wish to hold their ground in a seriously competitive market. By the way, here’s an example of how to interview Kalanick. Enjoy.

Click here.

ISIS crisis

So the intelligence guys have gathered a few ISIS linked suspects in India, and there is an allegation these dudes were planning something murderous on Republic Day. Only time will either confirm or reject this suspicion. And if the intelligence guys are right, they deserve a huge pat on the back, they do get roundly dissed when they fail, so appreciation is also in order.

However, the truth is, the threat is real. ISIS leaders badly want to globalize their campaign, and there are many disgruntled elements in India ready to be grabbed like low hanging fruit. So here’s wishing everyone a safe 26/1.

Jyoti: The girl who fired up a nation

I don’t know if it has occurred to you, but each time we address her as Nirbhaya or Damini, or any of the other dreadful names coined by newspaper subs, we are doing the young lady disservice. Because buried under the pseudonym is the primitive belief, a belief that we actually want to get away from: That the rape victim’s identity must be protected to save her and her family embarrassment. This, when the nation is gradually coming around to accepting that there is NO shame for the victim or her family, the shame belongs entirely to the rapists and their families. In fact, it is the primitive thinking that discourages women from filing rape complaints, and this allows rapists to get away with it. We simply have to change the goalpost, so that more and more women seek justice, rather than cower at home. 

Am happy that Jyoti’s parents have changed that, even though it came three years late. The poor folks are still searching for justice and closure, the ‘juvenile’ assaulter will walk free this weekend, but at least their daughter shall be remembered and honoured by her real name.  

Is being creepy a crime?

We still don’t know all the facts of the Jiah Khan death case, perhaps we never will, this one looks like Aarushi Part 2. What seems to have been established so far is that it was suicide, not murder, and that the principal abettor of the suicide was one Suraj Pancholi. If convicted, the dude will be jailed for a few years, but that’s a long way off.

The point I want to make on this date is: Pancholi may have been a poor partner, a coward, a creep, an insensitive lout. And chaps such as these need to be dumped immediately. But can he really be charged with abetment? Is that fair? Relationships often don’t work out, couples uncouple, there is inevitably a degree of bitterness, and then life moves on. Now if Jiah was an overly sensitive soul, a fragile individual who completely fell apart as a result of the break-up and could not accept and deal with betrayal by a creep, and chose to kill herself, can the boyfriend be accused of abetment? Is that fair?

I don’t think so. Unless proved in a court of law that he encouraged her to commit suicide, he must be let off.  

A five minute journey that takes a lifetime

This little film from Conde Nast Traveller beautifully captures the India-Pakistan border crossing at Wagah. I had expressed similar sentiments in my diary published in Outlook earlier this year, but this is Fatima Bhutto, so she could cross the border, unlike common man me. Anyway, I like the way the film has been shot, must watch.

Click here.

PS: Am taking a break for Christmas and New Year. See you on the other side. Insha Allah.

Hum Chaar, Hamari Ek.

All eyes, groggy from the revellery of the night before, will be on Delhi on January 1. Because only vehicles carrying the odd number will be seen on the streets. I do not believe this scheme will work in the current scenario in India (read my previous post), but one thing is certain: A whole new revenue stream will open up for the local traffic cops, they are likely to be shaking to the Achhe Din jingle on 31^st night, unlike the rest of us.

Lots of debates have begun on the subject, as alarmed Dilliwallahs have been trying to put Plan B in place (which in most cases is the acquisition of the second car). And not just them, citizens in other large cities have been breathing uneasily, and not because of pollution; a copycat local neta might thrust this measure on his/her constituency. I was criticized (as usual) on my last post for being much too cynical (as usual) about Kejriwal’s idea to save Delhi’s children from death, and a few readers asked me to come up with a solution.

So here’s what I think: Even as we suss what happens when half the cars (allegedly) disappear from Delhi’s roads, governments in Mumbai, Bangalore, Chennai, Hyderabad and Kolkata must immediately begin working on another policy: One Family, One Car. Or as Sanjay Gandhi might have put it, Hum Chaar, Hamari Ek.

And so this is the best option in my view. No family can own multiple vehicles. The authorities will have to figure out a way to enforce this, and if they do manage to, three things will happen: One, people can drive out whenever they wish, without being at odds and ends. Two, it will dramatically reduce the number of private cars on the roads. And three, it will free up parking spots in public places as well as inside residential areas. Bachcha bachcha knows that parking wars in housing colonies were unheard of in the past, and the mess only began after each member of the family started boasting of a personal vehicle.  

What Sanjay baba could not achieve with human beings, let’s make it happen with machines. His disturbed soul will rest in peace.

(Image courtesy: Shutterstock.)

No one killed Noor Ullah

I am not sure if the judge gave this a thought: Complete acquittal of bhai in the hit, kill and run case would shock the nation’s conscience, and many would lose faith in the judiciary. And that it would reaffirm public’s belief, that if you have the big bucks, you can manipulate the ‘system’. It’s possible the judge took the principle of ‘beyond reasonable doubt’ to its extreme, and ignored an age-old legal maxim. That justice must be SEEN to have been done. Either way, bhai has been let off the hook, and this development should make those like Ms Janhavi Gadkar smile a bit wider. In fact, she should launch a charity initiative ASAP, and hire a kickass PR agency to push it.

But all is not lost; if the state appeals for a review in the Supreme Court, bhai can face jail time all over again. My own hunch: With the ditto same evidence placed on the bench, the SC is likely to take a harsher view. Therefore bhai’s fans must keep their pastries and garlands on hold for some time.

However, what interests me is this: If the SC upholds the acquittal, will the television media do what it so wonderfully did in the Jessica Lal case? Which is to compel the judiciary to order a re-trial. I hope that happens. Noor Ullah may have been a poor man, but his life wasn’t any less precious than Ms Lal’s. All of us need to stand up for him when the time comes.

Chennai: Social media 1. Mass media 0.

Unfortunately, sitting in dry Mumbai, much as though one wanted to (like many other Indians), I could do nothing to help citizens of Chennai. However, images of people and vehicles trapped under water reminded me of 2005, of that dreadful day when the sky literally fell upon our heads. I was one of those stuck in office till late at night, unsure of the extent of the damage, unsure of what my next move should be. This, despite being a journalist working for a daily. All we were getting was sketchy information from colleagues who had ventured out. I prudently decided to stay put at office, many Mumbaikars didn’t, and lives were lost as a result.

What we in Mumbai lacked at the time was social media, and indeed it is this new tool that has helped people in Chennai fare better than we did ten years ago. There have been continuous updates and tweets on the situation… information on the most affected areas, localities that need urgent help, the kind of help that is needed, information about missing family members, and the general dos and don’ts. Am quite certain if we had this support back in 2005, some lives could have been saved. So the next time you scoff at rubbish chatter that goes on on Facebook and Twitter, remember they can help you in perilous times.

One other thing: Mass media had pretty much ignored the Chennai floods, every other silly story was being covered but no attention given to the sufferers there. Once social media got into the act, guilty Big Brother mass media had no option but to emulate. In fact this has become a trend now, social media usually takes the lead. Just goes to show where the future of the media lies. 

Hasta la vista, baby.

So the ‘juvenile’ who was involved in the brutal assault on the Delhi gang rape victim will be out of the ‘correctional facility’ this month. And he will dive into the waiting arms of a caring NGO that will provide him ‘vocational training’ (I hope the staff is all-men). If the incident hadn’t been so tragic, this would have me go ROFL. I understand that the chap can’t be sent to an adult prison, but does that mean we have to treat this ‘juvenile’ rapist cum murderer with kid gloves? Can a person responsible for this level of monstrosity be expected to reform? Was he charged with picking a pocket on that bus? Make no mistake about this: This criminal will be back to his dirty tricks in good time. So what’s the solution? I am no legal expert but the least that should happen to him is to be put on a technological leash, an electronic bracelet, so that there is 24X7 surveillance on his every activity. If the law doesn’t permit even this, well, we should go ahead and do it anyway. Laws are made for the welfare of people, not to put them in danger.

Incidentally, for the statistically inclined, a study in the US reports that 66% of juvenile criminals who have been arrested will become repeat offenders within 24 months. 49% of them will become repeat offenders within the first year. And this includes youngsters involved in petty crimes. Now imagine the probability of the Delhi juvenile growing up to be a gentleman.

Delhi’s odd car(t) strategy

Arvind Kejriwal wants you to drive your car only on alternate days. Nothing wrong with that, this experiment to reduce pollution and traffic has worked in a few other nations. The problem here, as usual, is that the damned cart has been shoved well ahead of the bloody horse. For one, public transport in Delhi isn’t geared up for the fresh load, so this ploy will create more mess on the streets and inside the underground trains. And two, because they have suddenly set the cat amongst Delhi’s well-fed pigeons (contrary to Kejriwal’s famous public referendum theory), many would rush to purchase their second/third/fourth gaddi, thus creating a whole new set of problems. Until the public transport system is made to rock, such ideas are bound to fail.

By the way, I don’t think Kejriwal worries about offending the city’s middle class citizens, he doesn’t care, his vote bank is the lower middle class and the poor, who have no direct stake in this policy. And when the idea fails, he will simply blame the central government for not supporting him. One more brownie point in his war against Modi. At the aam aadmi’s cost.

Tch, tch, tch.

As a child, I used to get scared of evil spirits, and would often not be able to sleep at night. My mother, who would naturally get rattled by this nuisance, had two options. One, deliver a slap for being moronic, and order me to go to sleep. Or two, discuss my fear, trace the source of it, and then find a way to convince me that the fear was unfounded. And round off by uttering Aamir’s favourite phrase, ‘All izz well’. Which do you think is a better approach?

Too much noise has been made about the star, and as usual, TV debates further muddled the issue. It’s actually pretty simple: What we are saying to Aamir Khan is this: Dude, if you are feeling insecure about life in India, don’t talk about it, just shut up and carry on with work as usual. And if you do, all hell will break lose for you. 

When we do this, aren’t we demolishing the Constitution of India which guarantees free speech to all citizens? How can we take this right away from the man only because he is a popular actor with gadzillion followers? The moment we do this, we turn into an intolerant nation, thus proving Khan’s point. And we end up making him and others feel even more insecure.

The only problem I have with what Aamir said is this: As the spokesman for ‘Incredible India’, he should have first resigned from that job, and then called a press conference to share his reasons. What he did at the event was, I suspect, abrupt and not really thought through. This is something we don’t usually expect from Mr Thinking Actor.

And by the way, no, Khan isn’t taking the first flight out to Damascus anytime soon. He is busy looking to purchase a 200 crore rupee property in good old Bandra West. And jealousy is making me intolerant of him. :)

Pappu fail ho gaya. Again.

Loved the way students of Bangalore’s Mount Carmel College stumped 'young' Rahul Gandhi. Here’s a link:

Click here.

Two points: I am amazed that youngsters in Bangalore believe in the idea of Swachh Bharat. That city is perhaps the dirtiest in India (Mumbai is better, and that’s saying a lot), each time I visit I spot uncollected garbage strewn around one housing complex or another. And their municipal corporation is notorious for its sloth and corruption. Perhaps students of Carmel belong to Bangalore’s most affluent families, and so they have failed to notice the mess. Only that would explain the optimism.

As for Gandhiji, there’s a simple lesson even a basic public speaking course will teach you: When you are caught in a spot, try and be witty or smart. Humour will almost always get you out of a tight situation. In his place, this is what I would have said to the students: Hehe, you guys in Bangalore believe in the idea only because you have a Congress led government here. We are doing the PM’s dirty work, while he is busy entertaining the swachh NRIs. Or words to that effect.  

Am told Pappu likes to hang out in Bangkok. Don’t know exactly what education he gets there, we can only imagine. I would suggest signing up at a public speaking institute in New Delhi. Am sure they have a few.

Idiotic censors

Still reeling from the massive response to my interview with the CBFC chief (for Mumbai Mirror). The interview once again proves that for the Indian government, now and in the past, chamchagiri has always taken precedence over merit. This is the biggest reason why the country progresses at a snail’s pace. For those who missed the hilarious exchange, here’s the link:

Click here.