Why must we care about these people?

Here’s what surprises me about the Mukesh/Anil saga: wonder why their story hasn’t been turned into a TV soap as yet. It’s got all the ingredients that can keep the nation hooked for weeks, months, even years together. Business rivalries, stock manipulations, political machinations, raw ambitions and naked greed, family fall-out, court cases, serious bad blood and most importantly… kitchen politics.

Ah, kitchen politics. I have always believed (and I recall writing about this five years ago in Sunday Mid Day), the seed of the break-up was actually planted in the Sea Wind rasoi ghar. Abominable though it may sound, I deeply suspect the chain was triggered by a clash between Nitaben and Tinaben. Hard to prove, but quite plausible. We mustn’t forget the massive egos at play out here… Anil is only two years younger to his bro, and just for that reason alone, he would be loathe to playing second fiddle all this life. Something no man, or more significantly, a wife would digest.

But here’s the important question: Why must we care about the Ambani feud? How does a private family break-up affect us? (The Ambanis are, after all, self-serving businessmen, like all businessmen are, and couldn’t care if the rest of us lived or died.) Well, unless you are a shareholder in their companies, you shouldn’t care. 99% of the nation has nothing to do with the brothers directly. And yet, we seem very interested in their lives. Why so? The obvious answer is because they are very rich and very famous, and therefore evoke interest among the masses. Sure, that’s a good enough reason. But I think it’s deeper than that.

I think it’s gotta do with the fact that we Indians are deeply emotional people. We believe in family, or at least want to believe, and we don’t like the idea of brothers fighting. Which is why the conflict between Arjun and Karan of Mahabharata saddens our collective hearts. Which is why countless hit Hindi films have been made about brothers itching to die for one another. We want families to stay together and be happy. We want happy endings. Period.

I think more than anything else, the recent thawing of the Ambani’s icy-cold relationship makes us happy on that level. We are the Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Ghum people. Irrational, but so be it. Not financial, it’s emotional, and that’s what defines us.

Anyway, to go back to the kitchen, I suspect the best bet for the brothers to totally resolve their issues and even operate together is for the two bahus to kiss and make up. That’s where it all began. And no, nothing will please us more than a phull phamily photograph.

Total desi soap opera.

BJP’s downfall is our downfall.

A few points to consider as the UPA Part 2 completes one year in power. They actually did not win last year. The BJP and its allies lost. Make no mistake about that. Had the opposition party been strong and in some degree of good health, am quite certain Sonia’s government would have been shown the door by the voters. This was the situation last year: Terror on the rise, Naxal activities on the rise, prices on the rise, corruption on the rise, and rank bad governance by the Congress-led state governments (particularly in Maharashtra, which has been the most shoddily ruled state of all times). And things continue to be in limbo.

Sadly, the BJP was in tatters. Horrible leadership. Juvenile election tricks. Divisive agendas. Rabid infighting. Confused ideology. Uncharismatic netas. Whatever the Indian voter might be, one thing she is not: stupid. No one in their right minds would vote for such a messed-up party. To compound matters for the BJP, even its allies were either busy defecting or were in shambles themselves. (The Shiv Sena, for example, has been on the path of self-destruction for some time now. And is on its last leg.)

Ergo, we voted the UPA back in only because of the curse of TINA (no, not the Ambani bahu). There Was No Alternative. And what’s worse is that a year down the line the BJP is still confused about its ideology, there is no clear leadership, and their new portly leader, Shri Gadkari, is going from one goof up to another. From one perplexing statement to another. Already, there’s news of power struggle amongst the younger BJP leaders.

And the Congress leaders know all this. Damn well. They know they have no competition. They know their best bet is to do nothing. That itself will ensure they keep getting re-elected. Anyone who watched the PM’s presser (and managed to stay awake) can figure Dr Singh is basically chilling, warming the kursi for the Gandhi scion.

Which brings me to the point: I feel sad that the BJP is on life-support. Mind you, I have no love lost for that party, and I singularly hold Advani responsible for all the riots and terror of the last two decades… that man has been a shraap on this nation. But equally, it’s critical that this nation has a powerful opposition, so that the Congress and its allies don’t take a billion Indians for granted. Only a threatening opposition will force the government to take risky decisions, to do SOME work. To cut corruption, and come out with fresh solutions to the many problems we face. And just for that, I wish the BJP well. I wish they get their act together. Else, we can be sure of another decade of non-action and mis-rule.

Think of those days when there was only one phone supplier. Only one scooter maker. Only one car maker. Only one airline. We consumers used to be treated like dirt, spoken to rudely, and taken for granted. While the nation has moved on from there in leaps and bounds, as for politics, we find ourselves in the same monopolistic situation. Sad.

Get well soon, BJP. You owe it to the nation.

Introducing, BOW Awards 2009

(This article was originally carried in IMPACT mag.)

By Anil Thakraney

It’s that time of the year. When the best of best (hopefully!) ads will get honoured in sunny Goa. So this time, we decided some of the lemons must also find their rightful place in the sun. After all, they too worked really hard. To create the most banal, the most irritating, the most sadela pieces of work.

Take a BOW, people. For the winners of the ‘Best Of Worst’ Indian advertising, 2009.

PS: There were a million other silly ads not even worth considering. So that should make the winners just a wee bit proud. At least they got noticed!)


1. The ‘Rubber Duck’ Award of the Year: rediff.com

The commercial features a man in his bathtub, as his rubber duck comes alive and gets crooning. Mr Bath Tub tries to capture this great spectacle on his handy cam, when his newspaper turns into a paper dog, while his handy cam starts singing as well. This is followed by even more bizarre stuff. 'Just your stuff', announces the super. Dull, dull, dull. And very painful to watch. Surely the most ducked commercial of the year.


2. The ‘Zero Chemistry’ Award of the Year: Reebok Hexride

The most thoughtless casting of the year. Reebok Hexride roped in brand ambassadors Dhoni and Bipasha Basu. Maahi looked lost and Bips looked hot.

The commercial features a long sequence of the two racing across the streets, attempting to outwit each other. Because Dhoni isn’t able to emote at all, the interaction between the two goes for a toss. Poor Bips. She can’t pull off a movie on her own steam, how could she do that with an advert. Suddenly John Abraham felt like an Oscar winner.


3. The ‘Navel Gazer’ Award of the Year: Tata DOCOMO

Tata DOCOMO’s ‘Friendship Express’ commercial was downright infuriating in its narcissism. The TV commercial features people from different nationalities on a train, complete strangers joining in to recite Tata DOCOMO’s totally rubbish, ear-ache inducing jingle. Wish the Naxals had hi-jacked that damned train.


4. The ‘High Flatulence’ Award of the Year: IDEA

IDEA unleashed ‘Walk & Talk’ as a part of its social causes based campaign. Basically the idea was to encourage people to walk for fitness. An April Fool’s joke. Especially so when you consider that people anyway tend to walk around while using their cell phones, the signal being eternally weak. Thank god no one took the idea seriously, else many fatalities would have occurred as folks yapped away while walking the bustling city roads.


5. The ‘Twisted Creative’ Award of the Year: Bajaj XCD 135

This one features two crazy sisters involved in a deadly karate fight, in an attempt to finish each other, as we later discovered they were trying to decide who would sit on the ‘one billion’ pillion seat. The twisted sisters made sure this was one of the most juvenile and disjointed ads of last year.


6. The ‘Untimely Death’ Award of the Year: Onida

The killing of the devil made national news, and the subject was heatedly debated on prime time television. And the new campaign for the assorted Onida durables featured a couple called Siddharth and Ritu, and it had the duo exchanging some maha silly banter with each other. No idea, no memory hook, no nothing. Resulting in what can easily be called the most horrendous advertising of last year. The devil must be guffawing in hell.


7. The ‘Dark Ages’ Award of the Year: EBay

EBay released a series of black and white commercials, and the appalling creative strategy was to revive the dark old days of Doordarshan. And so the anchors hired were Messers Fossils, Dr Narrotam Puri and Komal GB Singh, both from DD’s rotting archives. Completely ludicrous advertising, completely irrelevant, and worse, it was not even funny. DD must be happy, though.


8. The ‘Tapori Award’ of the Year: Montblanc


Montblanc positioned the pen as a proud legacy that gets passed down from gen to gen. Fair enough. But they needed a sophisticated actor like Bachchan to pull the story off. Instead, they settled for the ‘poor man’s Bachchan’. Didn’t work. Slumdog Anil Kapoor essayed tapori character roles pretty much all his acting life. He’s as far removed from literature, class and pedigree as are Shakti Kapoor and Rakhi Sawant. Ekdum dhaasu pen ka vaat lagaa dala!


9. The ‘Titanic Disaster’ Award of the Year: Nirma

Desperate makers of Nirma dived underwater for some inspiration. And they floated in mermaids into our lives. As they frolicked underwater, to the beat of lilting operatic music. Good show. But too much of a creative leap for a down-market brand. Only a day earlier, desi chicks called Rekha, Jaya and Sushma were promising us ‘dhoodh si safedi’. Predictably, the mermaids drowned before the year was out.


10. The ‘Get Chicks Free’ Award of the Year: Xylo

More thakela suits and equally more thakeli pretty women. The Mahindra Xylo boasts of some cool plusses. Foldable flight trays, walk-through aisles, flatbed seats, individual reading lamps, digital drive assist system, etc. And what did the commercial highlight? Hard partying duds and tight close ups of tits, legs and arses of bimbettes. All grooving to the eighties track, ‘Have the time of your life!’ Either the Mahindra Xylo managers were utterly confused about their target audience. Or had a very poor opinion of India’s corporate honchos.


11. The ‘Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde’ Award of the Year: Maruti SX4

Makers of the so-called ‘man’s car’, Maruti SX4. decided to tell us who the asli mard was in their judgment. A pucca gentleman otherwise, but the moment he lays his hands on the car’s steering wheel, the fellow morphs into a raging beast. The TVC features a suit behaving pretty decently in public places. But once he gets inside the SX4, the dude lets loose all hell on the road. They should have cast Mr Alistair Pereira in the advert. Neighbours said the chap is basically a nice guy.


12. The ‘Eoooooooow!’ Award of the Year: Nerolac Excel Total

An interesting metaphor was used by Nerolac Excel Total to communicate durability of its paint. They used make-up peeling off a woman’s face to make the point. The TVC stars a boisterous behenji named ‘Papdi Priya’. Overtly decked-up with layers of make-up, she is seen frightening the hell out of everyone on the streets, as her make-up gradually peels off. A totally creepy commercial. Papdi Priya looked like a victim in a B-grade Hollywood horror flick. Almost like Freddy Krueger did his number on her face. Brrrr…

Hold the party yet!

So people are happy that come May, we’ll see a closure on young Qasab. The honourable judge will first convict him, then pass a death sentence (he has no choice!) and that’s that.

Well, things aren’t that hunky dory. After the sentencing, young Qasab has the option to appeal against the judgment in higher courts. That will take a few more months to sort out. Sure, the honourable judges will eventually uphold the sentencing (they have no choice!), but even that will not ensure closure.

Then, young Qasab has the option to file a mercy plea application with the President of India. Mrs Pratibha Patil will immediately do what ALL Indian Rashtrapatis do: Sit on the application, and get busy cutting ribbons at assorted shindigs across the nation. And hold High Tea Parties for the celebrities. And that file of Ms Patil is full-up already. There is a long list of mercy petitions collecting dust within. So young Qasab will be in a long queue. And in India, that’s the ONLY queue that people don’t jump.

Of course, due to the media pressure she could fast-track young Qasab to the gallows, but that will be an entirely controversial thing to do. Other sentenced terrorists, who are already in queue, will have every reason to feel short-changed. Their crimes weren’t any lesser.

So it may take a loooong time before the hangman is called in. (Meanwhile the dude can switch on his Havells CFL bulb to pre-atone for his impending sin.)

And yup, even after all this, after young Qasab hangs by his neck, will that be closure at all? For the victims? Not really. His masters, the brains behind 26/11, are busy having a blast (intended) in Pakistan. So what joy in killing a brainwashed, penury-driven, uneducated foot soldier?

Yeah, hold the party yet.

Let’s get after the damned RTOs.

I drive a lot. In the city (when my driver is absconding), and down the countryside (which is a passion, the driver gets paid leave). I have done many long journeys, the most memorable one being Delhi to Bangalore… totally awesome, Outlook featured that yatra, here’s the link: http://www.outlookindia.com/article.aspx?226162
And I have come to a clear conclusion, having encountered lakhs of vehicles on Indian roads: Drivers in India, a good number of them, do not know how to drive. Not only is there no respect for the laws, I am quite sure in many cases people don’t even know the laws! Not even basic rules.

There is a general belief that the main reason for road accidents is driving under influence. Quite certainly alcohol plays a role. (It’s a different matter though that I drive better after a couple of pegs… it de-stresses me… and I must have been a lorry driver in my previous birth, but this is not something I recommend to others.) So there is a massive campaign on against drunk driving in the cities, and that’s a good thing. It’s another story, of course, that the rich get away easy, and that there are no checks on the highways, but that’s not my topic today.

The issue is this: Yet, accidents continue to occur, even when people aren’t sloshed. So why must this be the case? The answer is quite simple: we people DON”T KNOW how to drive safely. And as in all other evils in the nation, the root cause is corruption. Our RTOs (with the help of their pimps), literally give away licenses to kill. These guys distribute licenses like channa watana.

Before I go any further, here’s a confession. Years ago, I too obtained my driving license through devious means. I had gone for a test to the Tardeo RTO in Bombay. I flunked the test, khilaoed 200 rupees, and was cheerfully granted a license. And then what did I do? The very next evening I ran my car into a labourer, but thankfully she got away with very minor injuries. (And yes, I did take her to the hospital, and no, I wasn’t drunk or drugged, just in case you’re wondering.) As usual, I pretended ‘losing control’ of my vehicle. And was back in action soon thereafter! So yes, I am guilty as well of this dirty business.

Net: Our RTOs are essentially doling out death. In no other nation (except Pak and Bangladesh… surely we aren’t in the same league!) can one get a driving license this easily. So what’s the way out of this mess? Only one: the media needs to run a sustained, lasting campaign against the nation’s RTOs. Not the sort they do with the usual stories… milk the masala, suck it dry and then chuck it. It has to be dealt with in the way a Jessica Lal murder case got dealt with. Continuous pressure and hammering till the RTOs get cleaned out. The tests become very strict and the process becomes ghoos-free. And only the truly deserving people get licensed to drive.

Frankly, I can’t think of another way out of this mess. Hope the mass media journos are reading in. With some effort, we can save many lives.

My Ayer was special

Everyone is well aware of Mr Ayer’s great qualities as a top leader. Let me therefore relate two incidents to bring out the humour and compassion the tough exterior packed in.

On my first day at OBM, where I joined as a nervy, shaky, trainee account exec, I was assigned to work under Chris Bhang (who was an account supervisor at the time). Being a tea addict, when I asked Chris what number to dial on the intercom for pantry service, he matter-of-factly said. “333”. (Chris, you dog!) So I promptly dialled and demanded, “Bhidu, Anil Thakraney bol rahaa hoon, ek chai milega?” I heard some heavy breathing on the other end, and then a fearful nasal twang, “This is Mani Ayer speaking.” I dropped the phone as one would a deadly cobra, fled out of the office building, downed three cigarettes in a row, and contemplated my next career option. (Chris, you dog!!) Anyway, the same noon Mr Ayer walked past in the corridor, and even as I tried to slink away, he caught hold of me, laughed loudly, and ordered the pantry fellows to serve me tea. Don’t think I had chai at OBM for one month thereafter. (Chris, you dog, stop giggling!)

On another occasion, I had to present some Titan Watches ads to Mr Ayer. His secretary, Phil, sweetly informed that boss was out on a meeting the entire day. Assuming he was held up in some corporate shindig, I shrugged and moved on. It was only on the next day we found Mr Ayer had spent the entire day at the funeral service of a peon who had passed away of old age. Not just that, he spent hours with the family comforting them long after the funeral was done. I simply can’t think of another Chairman giving such personal attention for a peon. Most top men would delegate ‘chores’ such as these. But Mr Ayer was a special man. A special boss. A special soul.

In the recent past, Mr Ayer would now and then react to my blogposts, and leave insightful comments. Here’s what he wrote on my post, last year, concerning the general apathy of the state government each time the Thackerays hold the city to ransom. Should give you an idea of how sharp and agile his mind was till his final days.

“Dear Anil, I read your 'Conspiracy of Silence'. Yes, we have a destructive monster staring at us, and the party in power seems to be the only one that seems oblivious to it. Else people like Shivraj Patil, Vilasrao Deshmukh, Ahmad Patel, etc, would by now have been turfed out. Even Bombay's Girni Kamgar Union wouldn’t tolerate such incompetence! Regrettably, all the problems we face are due to the Congress and one particular individual - Indira Gandhi. The Shiv Sena was nurtured during her regime to keep the Communists out (don’t forget she was solely instrumental in kicking out, by 'sleight of hand', the first Left government in Kerala… she hated Krishna Menon, a man with left leanings and thought he was instrumental in ending her father's charisma and stood for elections against a Congress candidate in North Bombay). So in comes Bal Thackeray to do 'seva' for madam, and the list is endless.
Sometime in the early 80s, there was a cartoon that showed two scrolls of honour: One said, 'Mahatma Gandhi's men: Pandit Nehru, Vallabhai Patel, C. Rajagopalachari.’ The other said: ‘Indira Gandhi's men: Antulay, Gundu Rao, Bhajan Lal.’
And if this was to be extended to the 2000's, it would perhaps say: ‘Sonia Gandhi's men: Shivraj Patil, Arjun Singh, Vilasrao Deshmukh.’ That’s progress for our Bharat Mahan!
Unfortunately, Indira Gandhi has so firmly established a political culture that suits every political party including the Left. Symptoms: money politics, rented crowds, dynasties and manipulation. Why won’t the MNS suit this environment?
The answer lies in the Congress being kicked out and staying out of power for a long time which forces them to rebuild without any traces of the current culture-dynasty, cronies, etc. The last time they were out of power was too short (eight years only). Or we should have something like the set-up in Kerala - two fronts with differing philosophies and some similarities. And they get kicked out if they fail to perform. In this format the regional types like the MNS are marginalised (see the plight of the so called Keral Congress or The Muslim League).
Anyway, good luck with your mission. Mani Ayer.”

Rest in peace, dear Sir. You were a truly special man.

(This article was originally written for IMPACT mag.)

Mullicksaab must be smiling...

I had the great fortune of having worked closely with Suresh Mullick when I was a lowly account executive at OBM (now O&M). He used to write press ads for Titan Watches himself, and my key result area was to make sure the artworks (that was the format used in those days) reached the client in Bangalore in time. Despite being essentially an unglorified courier boy at the time, this close proximity to Mullick told me a lot about the man. Apart from being a solid creative mind, he was funny, easy-going, kind and a very generous soul. Which is why if he were alive today, he’d probably give a rat’s arse for not being given credit for the new Phir Mile Sur film. Not just because he was above all these small-minded things, but also because the sequel is a complete disaster.

However, since he’s not around, it becomes our responsibility (those who worked with him) to set the record straight on the Mile Sur controversy. Mile Sur was ENTIRELY Mullick’s idea, passion, conceptualisation and execution. It was his baby all the way. However, any creative director needs a filmmaker to shoot a TV production, and that was the role played by Kailash Surendranath. It’s possible he made value additions along the way (ad filmmakers are supposed to!), but make no mistake about it: Mile Sur had Suresh Mullick stamped on every frame. In fact, the last crowd shot in the original film consisted of OBM staffers, bus loaded to the Film City!

In this context, it’s both shocking and unfair that the new Phir Mile Sur film ‘forgets’ to mention Mullick. The correct thing, at the very least, ought to have been this: the last shot in the film should clearly have read: “Mile Sur was originally created by the late Suresh Mullick”. But that did not happen.

So then why was this obviously ethical thing not done? No idea. Personally, I would not blame the channel or the sponsors, though they should have considered the issues of proprietary. I think it was incumbent on filmmaker Kailash Surendranath to have ensured this happened. Because he had shot the earlier film, working closely with Mullick, so there’s no way he isn’t aware this was Mullick’s brainchild.

Grapevine suggests Kailash is a bit miffed at not having been given adequate credit for the original version. If this is true, he ought to have raised his voice then. And not found a way to make ‘amends’ years later. As they say in the ad world, a great idea has many fathers...

Anyways, apparently the channel has promised Exchange4Media they will take corrective action, so that’s that then. But here’s the bottom-line: Had he been alive, Mullicksaab would himself have guffawed away this controversy, and would probably have invited Kailash over for some strong beer at the Bombay Gym. And given him some rocking feedback on the sequel, in his inimitable way. Truly talented people are above these petty things.

PS: Isn’t it ironical that this ‘credit’ tamasha should have happened over a film that encourages people to bond and integrate? Life’s a bitch, man.

(This article was originally carried in IMPACT mag.)