Keenan & Reuben should have caught the patli galli.

That the two men stood up for their female companions was obviously the right thing to do, and they will always be respected and admired for it. However, I still can’t understand why Keenan Santos and Reuben Fernandez decided to continue to hang around outside the restaurant, having been threatened by two vicious goons, that a bigger attack was coming. Was the paan irresistible? Naah, can’t be that, most paan makers in Mumbai churn out average stuff. My own hunch: It was male ego at work; not willing to back away from a potential confrontation. Or not wanting to be seen to be backing away. 

Their tragedy reminds of a similar situation I once found myself in. About twenty years ago, we had dropped by at New Yorker restaurant at Marine Drive for dinner. I used to love their strawberry ice-cream soda, wonder if they still serve it, and if it still tastes as good. As usual, I digress.

For some reason, vehicles were crammed along the Marine Drive stretch, and we couldn’t find a single slot to dump the car in. It was peak summer, I still recall, and in those days, because I was not ‘senior enough’ in the organization I worked for, they had allotted me a ‘non air-conditioned’ Maruti 800. Hot under the collar, and desperate to dive into the ice-cream soda, I frantically looked for space, any space. Eventually, not finding any, I steered the car into the back lanes of Marine Drive, hoping to get lucky. Of course, they were packed too, local residents park their vehicles in these lanes. Builders of those ancient structures did not account for India’s auto revolution.     

By now I had run out of patience, and so had my two companions, one male and one female. Just as I was about to drown in my own sweat, I found one slot close to what looked like a car garage. Not outside it, close to it. I triumphantly parked there, and we decided to make a dash for New Yorker. The strawberry ice-cream soda alongside chana bhatura was going to happen, after all.

Just at that moment, two young men, topless and wearing soiled shorts, car mechanics that obviously crashed inside the garage at night, came charging at me, and demanded that I remove my car. I launched a protest. It was a public road, and I wasn’t blocking their gate, or anyone’s gate for that matter.

‘Nahin bola matlab nahin. Yeh apun ka space hai. Chal nikal abhi.’

Now the cocktail of Bombay summer, ‘non air-conditioned vehicle’, and rude, unreasonable pests can be a lethal one. I lost my already boiling head, and soon we were down to MCs and BCs.

‘%$#& tu thahar idhar, dikhate hain tere ko.’ One of them hollered, as they rushed into their garage. 

What was my immediate reaction? I panicked. Not just because I’ve never been a ‘macho man’, I was conscious of the fact there was a woman with us (and I state that at the risk of offending my easily-offended feminist pals). And the panic probably saved our lives.

We jumped into the car, reversed, and started to race out of the lane. In the review view mirror I saw six topless men chasing the car, shouting cuss words, all of them armed with ‘weapons’ that can be found in a car garage. Iron rods, car jacks, spanners, hammers and other unrecognizable objects. 

Thankfully the lane wasn’t crowded and so I could speed out and hit the Marine Drive road. And these men chased us right till there. They wanted to see blood that night, that was clear.

Heaving a sigh of relief, and having long forgotten New Yorker’s tempting menu, we continued speeding right till Haji Ali. And then slipped into the juice center, to down good old mausambi juice. No match for strawberry ice-cream soda, but it did help me cool off, and to be thankful for having escaped in one piece.

So what’s my point? There are times in life when we men need to kill our stupid ego, and quietly exit from a dangerously volatile situation. Because some battles in life just aren’t worth fighting.

To be fair, and as I said at the start, we don’t know exactly what transpired at Amboli, what prompted that group to continue to linger in the area. One thing I am sure of, however: Had they chosen to flee, much like I did, they would have been alive today. The group could have later visited the local police station to file charges, if they wished to.

Some of you might find my actions to be that of a chicken-hearted sissy, and you might diss me for suggesting Keenan and Reuben ought to have behaved likewise. Fair enough, and I will live with that.

                                                                                    And twenty years later I would still catch the patli galli in a similar situation. Thank you very much. And yeah, must do New Yorker one of these days. Will hail an Uber this time, it's air-conditioned, too.

KaKuji, now what?

Young KaKu (Kanhaiya Kumar) was the media star all week, and he deserved to be. A victim of doctored tapes and hard-line approach by the government, poor chap spent many nights in jail. And when he emerged, the lad belted out an inspirational speech, a speech that went furiously viral, turning him into an overnight sensation. All very well, but now what? Although I am not too excited with his ultra-left ideology (it borders on the regressive), I really think our dude should get his focus back on academics, do well in his thesis, and then find a career in public life, a career through which he can try to change things, the kind of change he passionately speaks of. Arvind Kejriwal is a possible role model (minus the regular drama). KaKu has the political platform from which can take-off anytime, we also now know he has fantastic oratory skills, but he needs to sharpen his mind, broaden his world-view, get some real world experience, before he contests for mainline elections.

However, I fear this is what will happen: KaKu, encouraged by his newly-found media popularity, and cheered on by his fan club (his leftist co-students) will undertake more road shows and ferociously take part in TV debates on all sorts of issues. An opportunistic political party will offer him a ticket to contest in an assembly election, in which he will easily win. Raw and ill-prepared, he will get sucked into the very system he is trying to change, and eventually fade away into oblivion.

I know the politically-charged students of JNU don’t want to hear this, nor does the chirping pro-KaKu Twitterati, but KaKu must now do what a good student joins a university for in the first place: Get top-class education. Hope his parents have the good sense to tell him so.

(Image courtesy: Times of India. Perfectly spells out the temptation staring at KaKuji.)

It’s okay to see a shrink

It is estimated that nearly 10 million people in the US regularly consult psychiatrists for counseling/treatment. And guess what? No one scoffs behind their back, it is accepted in that country that mental problems are no different from physical problems, that both need medical attention, as simple as that.    

Figures aren’t readily available for India, but I suspect the number would be very low. That’s because there is a social stigma attached to mental problems, and most people therefore avoid seeking professional help. Saala yeda hai. Woh ladki ka screw dheela hai. Keep away from that paagal neighbour. If you think people would whisper stuff like this when you consult a psychiatrist, you are dead right.

The reason I bring this issue up is the slaughter of fourteen family members by a man suspected of suffering from schizophrenia. Or maybe it was debts that made him go on a murderous orgy, or perhaps there was guilt of incestuous activity (based on a Mumbai Mirror report). Whatever the trigger, normal people don’t do such things, you have to be completely mind-effed.

Many questions spring to the head. Was he regularly meeting a shrink? Was he attending counseling sessions? Was he taking his meds on time? Were his family members encouraging him to do all this? Perhaps we’ll never know. It’s possible the extended family did not take the man’s mental illness seriously, perhaps they ignored it. Most likely because of the stigma.

So how do we deal with this problem? Only one way. The government needs to sponsor a sustained campaign with the objective of removing the social stigma. If they can find funds to keep the nation swachh, surely they can find some to keep it safe and healthy.

Budget: Unfair & Unlovely

I don’t understand finance at all, so have no insights to offer on the budget. But it’s obvious the government is desperate to shed its ‘suit/boot ki sarkaar’ image, and therefore the rural focus. No problems with that, our farmers need and deserve every help they can get. My problem is: The finance minister wants to rob the urban taxpaying middle class and pass on the money to the villages. That is being both, unfair and lazy. He should have found a way to rob those people who duck taxes or don’t pay them at all. But that’s too much hard work, no?

Scamistan to Goonistan?

A few years ago we used to get knocked every other day by stories of mega scams, all planned and executed at the highest levels of politics and business. Inspired, some of us began fondly addressing our nation as Scamistan (gosh, hope that ain’t seditious!). Frustrated, a whole lot of Indians, taken in by the promise of ‘Swachh Bharat’, voted a brand new government into power. And to its credit, financial scam stories no longer accompany our morning cuppa, at least not those involving top politicians. Down the line, especially when it comes to the bureaucracy, corruption rages on as usual, and we have learned to live and deal with it.

However, we now get whammed by stories of criminal assaults. And rabid intolerance. An old man gets lynched in his house only because someone suspected he enjoys beef for dinner. Elsewhere rationalists are being murdered in cold blood. Free thinking students are being rounded up and sent to jail. And justice isn’t being delivered by judges, it is being dished out by lawyers that hang out in the court premises. Jats don’t get reservations in colleges and jobs? well, they get it by unleashing terror on the streets, while raping a woman or two as part of the fun. Just the other day a Shiv Sena lout beat up a female traffic cop in Thane. Her crime? She did not approve of his driving while kwacking on the cell. And it goes on.

It’s not that violence wasn’t happening before, it’s just that a section of this population seems to have got further emboldened to let their fists talk, mainly because the government seems to be going soft on these goons, or at least that’s the perception. Apart from his love for foreign travel, no one can say for sure exactly what goes on inside the mind of the PM, he doesn’t talk to us on important issues. One thing is for sure, though. Events of the last two years indicate it definitely isn’t ‘Sabka Saath, Sabka Vikas’. It seems more like ‘Kuchhka Saath, Kuchhka Vinash’.

The good news is the international press is having a field day covering stories of fisticuff explosion in this country, and this flies in the face of the ‘Make in India’ campaign. Hopefully this will awaken the current dispensation, in any case mota bhai cares only about what the goras and the NRIs think of him.

National vs anti national

The increasing polarization has led to an inevitable fall-out: Debate on patriotism and gaddari. Every other day you hear guests inside TV studios try to heckle one another by shrieking ‘My nationalism is bigger than yours’. And it’s always a shriek, civilized debate is an alien concept to Indian news studios. As a result the definition of nationalism and sedition is being wildly stretched. It’s gotten so bad, some people have begun to wonder if they can criticize the PM’s suit/boot without risking jail time.

I have always believed we have a warped idea of patriotism. Going after patrons who refuse to leave the comfort of the multiplex seat while the anthem is screened, and then going home to deliver a tight slap to missus for serving cold food. Is that being patriotic? Singing desh bakhti songs on the morning of Pandra Agast, and then pissing on the streets after a late night out with buddies. Is that being patriotic? Furiously cheering the cricket team, and then chucking empty water bottles on the ground when the boys lose. Is that being patriotic?

If we really want to measure our love for the nation, here’s what the government should do: Make payment of income tax completely voluntary. No punishment if you don’t pay. My hunch is 99.99% Indians who fall in the tax bracket won’t pay their due taxes. And the rest 0.01% that do so will be dissed by their families and ridiculed by their friends.

So much for nationalism.

Sanju baba’s new life

There has been talk of favourable treatment being meted to Dutt, and it’s not without basis. However, let’s just accept this: Bhai served his time in jail, the full sentence as ordered by the SC. He used his legal and financial muscle to enjoy all the benefits available to him: Paroles, furloughs, early release and so on. All within the boundaries of the Indian law. And there’s nothing wrong with that, we would do the same in his place. It also could not be proved in court that he was directly involved in terrorism. Perhaps the prosecution failed on that score, but that’s not Dutt’s problem. Many powerful netas who have communally divided this nation and caused the murders and rapes of thousands of citizens never went to jail for a second. I think we should respect the fact that Dutt’s done his due time. And that he deserves a new, blemish-free life.

Only hope: He is now genuinely a changed man.

Deadly Headley

So then Davidbhai, correction, Dawoodbhai, has appeared on a giant screen in our courtroom. Cool. And exactly what is he doing? Well, confirming the nefarious designs of our friendly neighbour, designs that we are already well aware of. Apart from ‘revealing’ young Ishrat Jahan’s credentials, he hasn’t shared anything sensationally new. Also, Dawoodbhai is a hardened terrorist who has entered into a plea bargain with a US court to escape the death sentence. So we can never be sure of any of his utterances. Perhaps he’s busy gassing about stuff, perhaps he’s singing the truth. Point is: We don’t know, therefore the television drama has zero value.

So then what next? Well, it’s certain the Indian government will dispatch a fresh set of dossiers to the Pak government. I have always wondered how these dossiers are sent out. Snail mail? Email? WhatsApp? Knowing the way governments operate, guess it’s snail. And exactly how does Pak treat these dossiers? Again, I would suppose they do what most good governments do to inconvenient files: Dump them inside a dusty storage room.

In other words, nothing will change. Except that we can look forward to another attack. Why am I so sure? Let me explain this situation in another way. A cardiologist can only tell you where the blockage lies inside the heart. You can visit him or her any number of times, you can visit any number of cardiologists, you can run any number of tests. That will not remove the blockage, it will stay in your heart, making your life miserable. To deal with that, you need to move to the next level: Meet a heart surgeon. He or she will open up your heart and solve your problem.

As far as our Pakistan strategy is concerned, we are still doing the rounds of cardios, we are still doing ECGs on different machines. And we are still dishing out reports, You get the point.

The Facebook ‘Unlike’

I am no tech geek, but common sense tells me that by killing Facebook’s Free Basics, the government, under pressure from the so-called net neutrality champions, may have killed a golden chance for the poor in India to access the internet. Currently, you have to pay a couple of hundred bucks if you want internet to function on your phone, and this denies the less privileged access.

If Facebook was allowed to operate its plan, the poor would have been compelled to only visit the sites Zuckerberg wanted them to, but what’s really wrong with that? Isn’t some access better than nothing? At the very least, Free Basics would have enabled the net ignorant to get a taste of the digital space, a free trial, so to speak. And with time and prosperity, and having tasted blood, these millions of people would have dumped the free subscription and graduated to full paid access.
 
The unfairness of it all is that a few upper and middle class wallahs have made sure the poor continue to be
deprived of access to the net. And this was done without even taking their opinion! If this is not elitism, what
is?

Breathe in India

As I write this post, ‘Make in India’ week has begun in Mumbai. ‘VIPs’ are flying in from across the world, and of course, a shiny image of the city will be projected to them. No one will tell them that right inside the heart of the city lies a dump yard that no one cares about or bothers to maintain. And that this dump yard routinely spews poison into the air, choking the lungs of residents who live nearby.

  

My thing is: Sure, we’ll make in India. But can we Breathe in India, first? Please? In case you missed it, here’s the link to the blog I wrote for NDTV last week:

Click here.

(Image courtesy: Phawker.com)

Get netas out of education

The entire week has gone by with the media fretting over the unfortunate suicide of the Dalit student in Hyderabad. And of course, next week he will be confined to the dustbin of history, and nothing will change. That in fact is a more depressing thought than the suicide itself.

Even as we witness the usual blame game natak, we have to ask ourselves why these tragedies happen. At the heart of the problem is the involvement of politics in education. And politicians, through the various student unions, will do what they are best at: Divide and rule. And so, as always, one caste is being pitted against another. While it’s sad that this happens at all, it’s becomes criminal when this divisive crap seeps into the lives of young students, this nation’s future. 

There were no politicians meddling in the running of the business management school I passed out from years ago. As is common practice, there were a few students who had been admitted through the reserved quota. And the rest of us had a fair idea who these students were, simply because they lagged behind in class in almost all subjects, and were generally not of the same competency level. But I remember clearly no one discriminated against them in any form, in fact they were encouraged and helped in doing better at school, without anyone being condescending toward them. Today they are all doing well for themselves. All this happened because there was no neta sitting in the next office trying to cut us apart, or a union trying to disrupt the general bonhomie. 

Incidentally, there was this dreadful subject called ‘Econometrics’. In which I stood last in class, and the only way I was able to save my life from this monster was to sign up with an expensive private tutor. And all these years later I am still trying to figure how cos, beta, theta and sigma can help anyone in any business, or in any field of life for that matter. Will the bitchy colleague at workplace stop back stabbing if I threw theta at him? Will Reliance drop their power rates if I discussed gamma with them? Will the street tapori stop molesting girls if they sold sigma to him? Anyway, I digress.

RIP, Rohith.

Kalanick got a smooth ride

Travis Kalanick, Uber’s big chief, was here, and unfortunately I did not get an opportunity to dig my claws into him. Those journalists that did, blew it by sticking to irrelevant global questions. No one asked why in India drivers are being commissioned without adequate checks. And the problem isn’t just about security, it’s more to do with lack of knowledge. Whichever part of India you live in, there is a fifty per cent chance you will run into an Uber driver who is blissfully clueless about locations, has no idea how the damned GPS works, leaving you with the job of having to find your way. And if you happen to be new in the city, god help you.  

I once hired an Uber driver in Mumbai who didn’t know where Cuffe Parade is. And the word ‘Colaba’ sounded Greek to him. That evening I badly wanted to wring Kalanick’s neck. The officer escaped me on this occasion, next time he won’t.

And of course I would have said a thing or two to him about the bloody ‘surge’ pricing, a feature designed to fleece you. Uber needs to keep a lid on such dodgy practices if they wish to hold their ground in a seriously competitive market. By the way, here’s an example of how to interview Kalanick. Enjoy.

Click here.

ISIS crisis

So the intelligence guys have gathered a few ISIS linked suspects in India, and there is an allegation these dudes were planning something murderous on Republic Day. Only time will either confirm or reject this suspicion. And if the intelligence guys are right, they deserve a huge pat on the back, they do get roundly dissed when they fail, so appreciation is also in order.

However, the truth is, the threat is real. ISIS leaders badly want to globalize their campaign, and there are many disgruntled elements in India ready to be grabbed like low hanging fruit. So here’s wishing everyone a safe 26/1.